Domestic Chaos

10:42:41 o'clock BST
Feeling Thoughtful

Hi all,so sorry first of all for not being here for a few weeks,wow I turn my back for five minutes and journals is going to the wall,I wont be going over to blogger,I had tried that before,its basic and to be honest,I dont have the time,however please keep me on your mail list,it will be nice to catch up,and maybe when my life is going a bit slower,I might re-consider blogger,I dunno.Anyway,these last three weeks have been a rollercoaster ride,not all because of my Dad,or rather a better way to express that,is not all due to my Dads condition.I cannot say here what has been going on,but suffice it to say,I dont need it,dont want it,and I will have to do something about it,when I can focus.Anyway,Dad has deteriorated substantially,as expected,he now has an introvenous pack deploying constant drugs to help his breathing,of course the nurse visited Dad after I left yesterday and gave him this,against his will,and I shall be taking that up with her when I return Monday.Thats what I have been doing,travelling to Dads monday mornings arriving about 2pm,staying all week and returning home friday evenings,late most of the time,I set off on a friday about 2pm and dont get back here till nearly 10pm.I have had to fight like mad to keep Dad out of hospital,as per his wishes,and having not alot of oxygen to his brain,he gets confused by the nurse should I not be there.But now the nurse wants to turn his room into a hospital,by putting a hospital bed in etc,now so far,Dad is still able to stand to use a comode,he doesnt want to be bed bound,all this bed would do is allow the care workers he has to turn him etc easily.Its not for his benefit,and he can turn and get up,eat and use the toilet himself.When I was a care worker that was called independance.When I know he actually needs this sort of care,Ill be the first to concede,till then theyre in for a fight.Surely the one time in life you should be able to have what you want,is when you are going to die.

Anyhow,alot of you have been asking how I am,well Im not brilliant as youd expect,Im starting to eat a bit more now,but my appetite is rubbish,and I assume thats down to stress,the scales upstairs dont bloody work so I cant see if Ive lost alot of weight,but it feels that way.I dont sleep at Dads,I stay up to watch him as he has substantial fluid on his chest and coughs alot,sohe needs to be sat forward to breathe,I dont mind,I catch up alot at weekends,much to the annoyance of some Im sure.I also spend alot of quality time with the children,they want updates as well,but they need me there with Dad at the moment,we did discuss this at length,they dont want him alone,and can cope without me here very well indeed,Im very proud of them.

Its quite possible I may not get back on AOL journals before it is closed,however I am on facebook and this is also published there,if you use facebook,please add me so we can keep in touch,search for me as 'zoe ewers',youll see my pic there,Id hate to lose my very dear friends from AOL.But if I cannot return before the closure,send me the links to your blogger accounts and I will pop over to see you all,Ill save them here for when I can.Keep well my friends,dont forget me and please visit my sidebar and light a candle for my Dad to have a peaceful passing.It would mean alot.Love to you all zoe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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17:27:13 o'clock BST
Feeling Sad

Hi all,sorry I havent been about very much,time has passed so quickly that the summer is over and the nights are getting darker already.I must admit I havent been of the best of health,I kinda know why,of course,but its something I certainly cant help.Im going to see my Dad tomorrow,(saturday),and returning late tuesday,it seems he has had one or two minor strokes since I was last on here,the nurse spoke to me and told me that his whole left side is now numb.Dad now has carers going in to make him a cup of tea in the mornings and heat up some food for him about 12-1pm each day,so at least hes still eating a bit,although it takes a long time to digest,due to the muscle weakness in his body.He is very de-hydrated and his blood pressure is quite low also.

I did mention that I am not so well,to be honest Im not sure that is a clear description really,I have lost my apetite completely,Ive managed about three meals in as many weeks,except this week,I havent eaten since last saturday,so tomorrow is a full seven days.Its not intentional,I dont want to be ill,I do get a little hungry but food now makes me feel nauseous to eat,and prepare,I dread cooking dinner because I cant stand the way it looks or smells,maybe its just my body rebelling because my head is so full up with everything,I dont want to go to the doctor,I dont want vallium or anything else,and thats their answer to everything isnt it.Load me up with tablets and tell me to sod off,in so many words,so thats not an option,I think when I can settle my mind,I can gradually get my apetite back Im sure.

I also heard last week that my uncle passed away last september,he had cancer also,but nobody told us he was ill,it was a shock to learn he only survived it for three months altogether,whats wrong with people,didnt they think Id like to know? To go and see him? Or just perhaps go to the funeral? I dont know what gets into some people,Ive always got on with family,they knew my Dads number and everything.I wonder who else has died and we dont know.

Anyway I must get ready to go tomorrow,Ive got to pack and get myself ready mentally,I am back on tuesday evening but I wont be on the computer until wednesday,but as always you can mail me or comment here,I will answer just give me a bit of time as Im also doing the home learning etc at the moment,take care,

Zoe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

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14:35:11 o'clock BST
Feeling Lonely

Hi all,sorry its been a while since I wrote,I was meant to go and see my Dad last week,but I had such pain with my back,Paul went instead,of course I feel guilty but the 6 hour coach journey would have half killed me.To be honest Im so tired lately,not sleepy tired but tired in my soul.Is there no end I ask myself? Dad was his usual cheery self on the phone yesterday,he told me he asked the nurse if hes going to be here still at xmas,because hes fed up with waiting to die,he said she told him that he wasnt going to be,I doubt she did,but hey it was nice of him to relay that to me,its getting so hard now,every day a new problem or ailment,and I dunno if hes trying to make me feel guilty about being so far away,but I am anyway.I cant talk to anyone anymore,I think theyre sick of hearing about it,so I dont bother,I mean whats the point? Everyone elses lives seem to be marching onward whilst mine is standing still,has been since April.

My mood sums me up lately,a cuddle once in a while wouldnt go amiss,but then that can be misconstrude,so I dont bother.I dont like to be rejective,but I dont know what I want,the pain to stop,the anger to subside,the crying to stop,my own self hate to go away.I used to be so confident,happy and looking forward,why cant I now when I really need to be? Typical tho really isnt it? Life eh? You gotta laff.

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11:29:47 o'clock BST
Feeling Chillin'

Hi all,firstly thank you to everyone who left such lovely comments here,I wasnt aware there was a call for help,but thank you for coming over and taking the time to write.

I am going to see my Dad this coming friday,and returning on monday,( a bank holiday here),so wish me luck on the packed coach back.This will very probably be the last time I see him before he passes,much as I dont want it like this,I live too far away to be able to rush there should I get the call,of course I would try,but my chances of success are pretty slim.However,its the 'every day' that matters,not the end of days.

The DIY is going slowly,as you can imagine,especially when it comes to doing my bedroom,as per the 'norm',it is full of everyone elses junk and its going to take ages to move it all to decorate around the room.To be honest,my motivation has kinda gone,Im a bit flat at the moment.Is that a good analogy? It is now !

My neighbour has piled more rubbish into her front garden,as I write this I am currently admiring the view of....a massive glass patio table,six matching chairs,one small trampoline,two hoola hoops,(broken),one horrid blue and cream stripey mat of some sort and various bags with what seem to have rotting vegetation oozing out of them.I would have opted for flowers in my front garden,but each to their own I suppose.Ive given up moaning about them,every week theres something else going on here.I havent got the energy to be honest.

Anyway,at least I am getting this house back on its feet slowly,I just need to work on myself,Ive gone from comfort eating to starvation,all without conciously trying and its annoying the hell out of me,so Im yo-yo ing lol,Im not even stepping onto the scales,last time this happened to me,I had gone into hospital for laproscopy,( camera in the knee),to check for damaged cartaledge,I had to have a shower in disinfectant before-hand,and there was a mirror in the shower room,I caught a glimpse of myself and saw that my hips were sticking out and I looked like a starving immigrant,not very nice,hence the lack of mirrors in my house,so its not as if I couldnt do with losing weight,but I dont want to be ill on top of it all,ahhh it never rains but it pours eh?

Mail me if you want to,I am still about,but busy busy busy,take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

 

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11:46:51 o'clock BST
Feeling Quiet Yesterday,I recieved a call from my Dad,finally the doctor had come out to see him,mostly because I threatened to contact the medical council to complain that for five days both myself,and the warden where Dad lives,had tried to get a doctor out to him as he was poorly.After being examined,the doctor told my Dad that his right lung was not working,thats why he was suffering severe breathing problems,his left lung being as weak as it is,is having trouble taking the strain.Dad is also in alot of pain,as you would expect,so hes been given morphine tablets and steroids,the steroids should stimulate the left lung enough so he can breathe a bit easier.However,Dad asked the doctor if he was near the end,he was told he is.It will not be long before he is in need of the morphine drip to counter the pain,if he gets that far.I know this was expected,but Im still in shock,hes my Dad,I dont want him to go.But I have to let him,its just so hard.I cant get to see him,at least not in the next few weeks,and I cant talk about this because I dont want to keep banging on and on.I just wish someone would actually face me and talk to me,instead of just listening and occaisionally saying...'ummm',but you cant have everything now can you?

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10:39:38 o'clock BST
Feeling Annoyed

Hi all,I would like to be able to say its nice to see you all,but firstly thats physically impossible,and secondly alerts have been crappy at best.So even after spending a whole morning going around commenting on everyones blogs,no-one actually knew I had.Youve gotta laff havent you? Bless em all at AOhell.Actually Ive had hardly any alerts then I realised why,whatever had caused the alerts problem had also turned my alerts off.Strange,but not surprising,not alot shocks me these days.Except my face in the mirror,but then it would wouldnt it?

Im going to make this a quickie,mainly as if I dont get some decorating done soon the holidays will be over before I know it,just wanted to say tho,I went to see 'The dark Knight' and I give it 7 out of 10,a bit wooden in the acting and to be honest,6 of those marks went to the Joker !! I also went to see 'Wall-E',a lovely funny well made film and it had the added bonus of shutting up the children,so a win win situation lol.So it gets 10 out of 10,we are going to see clone wars at the weekend,so if youre at all interested,I will let you know what its like,OI WAKE UP !!

Ok Im going to leave you with a video,I havent done that for a while have I? Lets hope I can remember how to do it...mwahh to all and mail me if you want a chat,TTFN xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

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12:42:29 o'clock BST
Feeling Stressed

Hi all,firstly,apologies to everyone for not getting around to commenting on all of your blogs,time is certainly running away from me at the moment.Its not an excuse I know,but Im hoping to get round to you all today,touch wood n'all that.Actually,now that the summer holidays are here,for the children at least,I find myself busier than ever,the garden has taken me bloody ages to do,its only small for crying out loud,but after four weeks of rain,the weeds were like triffids,it took me four hours to weed,I havent cut the grass yet,and my back !! OMG !!!

That leads me to another subject,well same but different anyway,Ive been suffering from a sciatic type pain in my back for nearly a year now,so tomorrow I am going to force myself to see the G.P about it.Im not keen,mainly because Ive seen the treatments online,(yes I know I know you shouldnt look on the computer about things but I wanted to self diagnose etc),and really theres not much that can be done,not to go into the boring details,but its either physio or an operation,and no,Im NOT having an operation,not unless Im told what is wrong will land me in a wheelchair I wont.But anyway wish me luck,Im going to need it judging on my recent results.I went to the optician for an eye test and ended up with glasses,then I went to the dentist and ended up with a filling,not bad though seeing as its my first EVER filling.But Ive come to the conclusion,Im getting old folks ! Yes it is hard to believe lol.

Well it comes to us all,no doubt tomorrow will see me leaving the doctors with a zimmer frame,heaven help us.I also need to have a hormone test,apparently,mainly because I have suffered with hormone problems for nearly 20 years,and so its about time I had the bloody test,I just think this new doctor is trying to cover every base,but it if shows what is wrong,hey Im game,I bet you now,I will go tomorrow and he will find sod all wrong with me,as per the norm,Ive been to the doctor,with what I thought was a temperature,palpatations and breathing problems,he took my blood pressure and heart rate and said I was fine....how could I be fine? Then he told me to expect this 'sort of thing' at my age.......I was 37 ?? What did he mean? Stupid idiot,I get that every month just before my period,err hello alarm bells ringing? Hormone problem you wazzack !! I want to get this sorted before the dreaded menopause if you dont mind.

Anyway,I mustnt get myself in a tizz must I? But I know tomorrow will be an education in G.P bull***t.Oh well,anyway onto other news...

My Dad is doing ok,but we think the cancer has developed substantially in the left lung now also,as hes getting a fair amount of pain there.Hes also a bit moody etc,mainly because I think he wants me there with him,its a bit impossible now though,Paul starts work this wednesday in his new job and my eldest son Ben starts work tomorrow in his,so travelling is hard and confined to a coach trip of six hours on a friday night,stay over Dads Saturdays then come home on a six/seven hour trip on the sunday,not a pleasant visit and a very brief one.I will have to get down there soon,but God alone knows how.

The home learning is finished now,a week later than nationally for their holidays,as we had 12 days in Corfu,the children have done their revision of their work from January and did very well,the revision papers saw me typing in word pad for six hours one evening,hence the need for glasses I assume lol.Robert has finally broken through the barrier of writing,at long last and is making great progress,his reading is really good and his maths seems to be his strong point,so alls good there,hes doing science and I.T. in september with his maths and english so wish me luck lol.I held those subjects off until he grasped the writing,as he needed to focus and did very well,however he cannot decide what hand to write with and thats whats holding it all up.He holds the pen/pencil between his thumb and index finger when using his right hand but has a wobbly form of writing,but when he holds the pen in his left hand,he uses his fist and writes firmer.Both Antony and Ben are left handed and Kerry is right handed,I would tend to think Robert could be ambedextrous,( Dunno if I spelt that right),but his right handed writing is very weak,still he will choose soon hopefully.

Ok well thats my boring news,I hope youre all well,no news on Barry yet Im afraid,even though Im bothering AOL etc,lets hope hes just broken thecomputer and thought,'Dammit I will move to the artic circle for some peace',I would but its too cold for me,and I dont like fish.

Toodles xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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00:12:36 o'clock BST
Feeling Sad Ive cried alot today,the speculation over Barry having passed away is getting to me.Alot of people know him for his views on message boards,and his blog,fair enough but that is only one part of a whole person.To me he was kind,he listened when I was so very down,he kept mailing me to make sure I was ok,at a time when I lost all hope,when I didnt see the point of life.I am so angry at the comments he has had,mainly because in the free world,an objective view,albeit not our own,is what separates us from mindless zombies who spend their lives,'punching in',pressing buttons,punching out and going home.I am so worried about him now,maybe because I will lose my father soon,this is affecting me more than it would normally,I cant answer that.But Ive not had alot of love in my life,I take what I can get,but just for one split second,I saw the love he had for his wife and new baby,and just for that split second I started to believe,that life can be good,not the crud I usually have.If youre out there Barry please get in touch,your inbox is full and we dont know if youre ok.I hope he is,his family are the ones suffering here if hes not and I hope they never see what has been going on I truely do.

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11:23:36 o'clock BST
Feeling Anxious

I recieved this email today and Im quite worried about Barry,(vengeance),does anyone know whats happened? Read below....

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00:08:57 o'clock BST
Feeling Bored

I just popped on here whilst I ate yet another ginger biscuit,theyre very moreish arent they? And realised I hadnt been on for ages.I wonder why that happened? Anyway,I did go down to Oxford to see my Dad,thanx for all of the comments asking how he is,hes actually very well,hes got his appetite back and is walking better...I know its mad honestly,if he hadnt lost so much weight,you wouldnt know he was ill !! Im not sure I know whats going on there to be honest but thats life I guess,best enjoy it eh?

Other than that nothing is really going on here at the moment,the toilet is behaving,the neighbours are quiet,well actually theyre on holiday but I await with bated breath the next instalment of...'What colour hideous extensions shall I wear today?' I must take a picture to show you one day,my neighbours hair is scarey !! She has very short hair and clips in the worst matched extensions Ive ever seen,you can see the clips !! Monster !! The best bit though,is that she then parades around the close flicking her hair back and tottering on high heels looking to see if we are paying attention,she stops outside my living room window and preens !! Still you gotta laff eh?

I had an epiphany earlier,but Im much better now.....that was an intellectual joke,so if you didnt get it we will all snigger at you. Can you tell I am bored? My mood gives it away a tad doesnt it.Well Im so sorry my life isnt interesting today,Pauls away,Ive got a big bottle of wine in the fridge and children to look after,so fun kinda goes out of the window.I can dream of the wine,but darent drink it whilst in charge here,I know some people would,but if there was an accident or something,and there would be wouldnt there? I can just see the policemans face now when he realises Im drunk....I can just see the uniform........go make a cuppa Im dreaming of the uniform..................go play with the traffic a moment........Oh for goodness sake OK Im back,Jeez !! God almighty I should have given you a tenner to go to the cinema you gooseberries !

Anyway,enough of that,my highly erotisised imagery is too explicit for this time of night...or day if youre not here,well obviously youre not HERE but in the UK I mean.Oh who cares eh? No I swear I havent had any wine yet,this is me normally,prattling away to myself,its quite soothing isnt it,just writing whatever pops into your head.........like men in nothing but oven gloves.....obviously Im referring to the sort of men I would never get,more Gazs type of hunky man,the jammy so and so,no I get men,bless em dearly,who dont mind sitting in front of the telly watching a re-run of 'hows your father',rather than practising it.Dont get me wrong,I dont want a hunky beefcake...well I would say that,Im happy with a hunky cheesecake,but Im like a man in reverse,men look at page three and think,'hmm shes nice but I bet she cant crack a walnut between her thighs whilst dusting the pot plant',and I look at the odd pic of hunky firemen and think,'Hmm hes nice but I bet he cant do the ironing,download 6000 mp3 songs and mess up the kitchen with residue spag bol all at once' !! Oh no not many men can do that whilst regailing their family on what they did that week on the phone.It tickles me that does,bless aww.

Oh well now Ive bored you silly,Ive finished my ginger nuts,(easy),I must away,but before I do I shall ask you something....did you read about the miracle birth in the papers last week? You know the man who was a woman who had a baby.If not a quick explanation...There once was a woman,who loved another woman,but in their country they couldnt marry,so the woman became a man,well by tablet I believe,not surgery,anyway the wife couldnt have children as she had had a hysterectomy,so the man had artificial insemination and gave birth,hence the miracle baby born to a man,but two questions sprang to my mind

1) The man is still a woman so is it still a miracle she/he gave birth?

2) If the man is effectively still a woman,doesnt that make the marriage null and void?

Thatll keep me up all night,as usual answers on a postcard to...

Miss Mary Likes

The cockwell Inn

Tillit

Herts.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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