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30 April 2008
07:08:19 o'clock BST
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing washing machine
catch up
ok I know its been ages
sorry
we are all doing ok,...... still thinking about him night and day, its funny the things you miss, even his sleeping in the chair is missed
Nadine is getting ready for her gcse's and it aint easy for her, in fact her first exam is on the 20th May
the garden is looking a picture and I only wish he could have seen it, he put so much work into it
bye for now I will try to work out how to put pics on here one day
just seen i have already just have to remember how !!!!! lol
Written by xtizwasx
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12 December 2007
06:33:59 o'clock GMT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing clock ticking
quick catch up
just a quick bit
not dizzy anymore thank god
still not quite ready for Xmas but getting there, the trees came and to be honest I couldn't have asked for better, they are wonderful, well after a bit of chopping, they were so big and full they needed a trim
Ricky put his dads tree in the front garden and it looks great, mud everywhere but the tree looks good lol
I still haven't sent any cards out I have them but just cant be bothered to write them out (I wrote 4) it feels weird just putting Loraine and family after all the years I put his name I find I have to think about it or I go to put Kev
I was talking to my aunt the other day on the phone and she said you know he is with you, I was thinking is he, I don't think so, must be nice if you believe, at one time I did
I found out that Nadine was so sad as she thinks Kev is unhappy, I have told her he understands now and he is happy with his friends and family, I just wish I could make it better for her
I will write again soon
Written by xtizwasx
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01 December 2007
06:36:14 o'clock GMT
Feeling Worried
Hearing ricky getting ready for fishing
deck the halls
I don't have much to tell you
the decs are mainly up ermm just a few bits to do and the wait for the tree lol
they say that after six months it hits you well...... no one told me it would be like a bus at 50 mph its really weird .... I suddenly thought that's it for the rest of my life, I aint gona see him or hear him, I am alone, bit scary really.
Nadine is messed up but trying to understand, its hard cos of the pressure of school on her, she has her mock gcse's next week..... she is doing 11 ...... thank god we got her out of french as she really couldn't get her head round it. I had a bit of a fight to get her out of it but when I made it very clear she didn't have to come back a few days after her dad died to take a maths exam that she didn't do very well in and didn't get the help other people got they started to understand that I was on the edge of punching someone if they didn't start putting my daughter first and exams second she really is trying her best .... good luck babe and don't worry
I am looking forward to Christmas well we all are, but with a bit of dread in out hearts, he so loved it. we cant let him down, its funny I have presents, decs, food, but not a single card lol normally I have my cards done and ready to send by today, its as if there is no outside world and even if there was I don't care about it
I found doing my blog hard to get round to this time......... don't know when I will be back lol
Written by xtizwasx
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25 November 2007
06:32:04 o'clock GMT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing radio
i hate sundays
I have never liked Sundays, trust Kev to die on a Sunday
anyway its Sunday morning and as per I am stuck ere in front of the PC kids are all in bed and will be for hours yet lol
got some Xmas bits coming from asda today turkeys sweets etc
boys are going in the loft to get the decs down so I can sort them out about 3 boxes I think and a few black bags
might start putting them up in the week as it takes me days to do the house, just not sure my heart is in it, but that don't normally stop me doing things I just put my mind in overdrive and fight back the tears lol
had a great dinner last night Ricky wanted to make yorkies so he got a recipe from the Internet and went for it ... they were lovely but if it was up to me aunt bessies aint a bad option
only waiting for one more present to come and a few bits I have to go out to look for then I am done yippee
Written by xtizwasx
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23 November 2007
05:40:04 o'clock GMT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing clock ticking
nothing much going on
thought i best add a pic .... the love of my life (well one of em)lol
not got very much to tell you .... got most of the Christmas bits including the turkeys, well they will be here Sunday and a few more presents still to arrive, bound to be loads of things I still have to get but at the moment I cant think of them lol
waiting to here about my housing benefit I need to take my premium bond and a letter for Dave's JSA down, I have had my bond almost 50 years its worth £5 and they want to see it lol. I also found out I should have told the child tax credit that Kev died and here was me thinking that it was a government office and they would know, silly me so they might want all the tax credit back, just have to wait and see .....
I find myself thinking about how other people cope at this time of year..... people that don't have the close family I have .... how are they are going on ..I have too I have kids, any little problem gets blown out of all proportions like running out of bread or the milkman being late I wish I could help them. not the ones who just want attention, the quiet ones who really need help but cant or wont ask.....
got to start wrapping soon and I don't mean like a pop star, the boys are getting the decs out of the loft at the weekend, the trees are coming on the 10th dec. I cant wait to get the decs up but I know this is just me bouncing from one thing to the next as its better than letting myself think, that thinking thing aint all is cracked up to be, lol ..
going round jays today to help her with her chickens then to the oldies to drop off the pressies we got for them to give to my lot so they can wrap them,
by the way I don't feel as dizzy now well not in the day just at night when I turn over I wake up cos the room is spinning lol , much better than I was.
the kids are getting on ok they understand their feelings and are looking forward to Christmas, so am I, we know we are going to miss him a lot and thought we might light a candle by his pic in the morning Christmas day, he will be in our thoughts but to be honest that is not going to be any different to any other day, most things I do remind me of him in some way, even when I Hoover and he used to put the coffee table back or telling him to move his feet lol ...
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21 November 2007
05:52:19 o'clock GMT
Feeling Sad
Hearing radio
lost
we are off out today , nice day at the council office, i need to put in for houseing ben as my widows ben is only 82 a week and the rent is 70 odd.... even a lil will help and the blinking council tax .... but we will nip to macdonalds after so that will b nice for the kids.....
feeling a bit lost if i am honest.. this time of year is a killer for anyone who is alone, i know i have my kids and a would b worse if not for them but i still miss running what we r getting ppl for xmas by him and him saying, yea great babe they will love it,
kev and i always said we were together cos that was what we wanted if one of us didnt want it we would split up, he said that he knew i would b ok i was strong and would cope really well, i wonder if he can see this weak woman now lol,dont get me wrong i aint falling apart, but i really dont feel like the ox kev thought i was lol........ its 6 months now and i still miss him constantly ... i would get up early and kev would keep me topped up with coffee he would then sleep in the arm chair most of the day but he was still there ,, like now if i was dizzy he would b really helpfull, silly things like coming downstairs, i had to call him, having a bath,he would sit in the bathroom. i never asked he just done it, he felt it was his job to look after me bless him,we have a big turkey xmas and he would help me get it in and out of the oven,mental note to self small turkey this year, i remember once we were doing doughnuts and the deep fat fryer started to fall cant remember y now but he pushed me out of the way and caught it b4 i got hurt,,, he was and still is MY HERO lol...... he would really laugh at that.. he was a strong man with a heart of gold a brilliant dad (maybe too good) and a caring hubbie............. i hope he is happy where ever he is .............
sorry i have tryed to read this bk for typos but i just cant .....
Written by xtizwasx
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20 November 2007
06:32:53 o'clock GMT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing quo
quick update
my pills made me ill... had pain in my tummy like a bad virus... never mind just wait it out now, they say this only last's 2 months longest
got all my pressies coming this week then all i have to do is wrap them lol
i feel like rubbish but with luck i may feel a little better by xmas
where is he when i need him
Written by xtizwasx
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16 November 2007
04:39:02 o'clock GMT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing peggy sue
mum are yours pills in date
for the last week thats all jay has said, as if i would take out of date pills, its 2 years ago this happend and i was thinking pills last longer than that ................. well no they dont they ran out 18 months ago, lol what a clown i am now jay thinks im old and loopy and in my new pack i was reading the pros and cons and it says dont take out of date pills, dont say what they do if they r out of date tho..... lol no wonder they wernt working
trying to get xmas shopping done but just cant sort it at the mo i have lists and everything but just aint getting it done ...i think its cos i have to get my housing ben sorted and i cant think past that at the mo
Nads is having nightmares about Kev .... not sure whats going on there just trying to keep her talking and asking her if she can see a patten to the dreams ... i told her her brain is trying to point something out to her so she can face it i wish i could take that away for her but its something she has to face
its friday so its all round the oldies this afternoon....... prob have plenty to put on my blog tomorrow lol
Written by xtizwasx
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14 November 2007
05:54:31 o'clock GMT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing washing machine lol
ordered the trees
I ordered the christmas trees yesterday, one for the garden so it can grow and one each for jays lot and us, cant wait...... they will b delivered on 10th dec
I have now got to get one of the boys to go into the loft and get my decs down for me so i can sort them out and get rid of the rubbish ones
I seem to b throwing myself into things first the funeral, it had to b perfect then the garden then the house...... had to b decorated from top to bottom (that took a few months) now christmas. the only thing on my mind at the mo is what am i going to throw myself into after that...... am i doing all this to stop me thinking ...omg i know i am angry inside and still not understanding the whole thing... the hardest part is not letting the anger out, i want to shout it aint f***ing fair i want to tell the world to go away,
kevs bro had a heart op the other day and he is fine and i am happy for him butttttttt ......... no i cant say it
i want to protect my kids from anymore hurt, i would love to go to Nads school and tell them what i think of them at the mo you see if u just missed ur grade by a lil bit they give u help and let u resit the exam but if u missed it by a bit more u have to get on with it and fail and after what happend Nads didnt do that well and has been left to one side, poor lil cow is still trying tho (she said she wants to do it for her Dad) but at the mo she could walk away from school and never look back
I know i should go to the docs about a few things butttttt..... i might just tell them what i think as well ... Kev had pain in his arm a year ago he had a ecg but they said he was ok ......ermmmm let me think ........ ok??? noooooooooo i dont think so
do i feel better for that rant no... its written but not corrected anything
Written by xtizwasx
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12 November 2007
06:17:52 o'clock GMT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing dishwasher
day 4 i think (lol)
Gareth is back and safe, he got home about 5.30
I am still dizzy might have to see the doc,, God I hate them..... apart from that no news
Written by xtizwasx
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