whispering of myself

19:22:12 o'clock BST
 sit in the fog with a tender heart
laid out straight i must start
oh dreaming land and day into night
i know that if i look there it will be alright
so why stress if  love isnt right here
because i have only to keep trying to wait dear
oh i know some where you wait
like a air of mystery  your on time never late
so i will change me till i am perfected just for my soulmate
till then i will look up and wait
for things are always on time and perfect just as they are
and i can sit and wish on the shooting star
as i smile thinking of the touch of your hair
thinking of  romantic evenings with you to share
with poetry and smiles and a touch of your hand
together our hearts take command
so soft and secret like you wait in the mist
i will dream ever softly of your perfect kiss

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19:21:20 o'clock BST
one night i fell into a sleep
wanting that lover so to keep
i wanted tender kisses to wake mei could not bare who i make me
i looked harder into my mirrorthere was no one i could like there
so i recreated and hoped and prayed
wanting love to fall my wayi tried walking to clear my head
to make an image no longer deadand found my heart had wings
and my mind on other things
then i saw a sweet faded rose
oh how i loved it sofor the fragrence set me free
i hold it yet close to me
oh i love you count the ways
i hear the poet stop to say
but with me i count on this
the hope of one sweet kiss
a lover who wont shun and go
a love lasting the ages so
i reach out do you hear my plea
can you ever love me
i am who i am i say
but i would be yours any day
so dream lover i shut my eyes
capture me i long to cry
i will be yours take me away
i am in dreams  to stay
and into the fog and mist i roam
love has finally taken me home













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19:20:18 o'clock BST
rainbows painted sweet the sight
of something special energy  given right
instead of darkness i see the  light
painted special such a rare sight
as i stand i see the ray
given to me on this day
oh such color i think of each
rose and violet  yellow and peach
such a color i wish to touch
loving image i trust so much
a radiant dressing across the sky
loving special makes me sigh
now i touch the silkened form
glad i loved them ever warm
touched my mind each special soul
each child a special hold
they are different painted new
making me happy i ask it too
that they only try there best
each one in a special dress
standing walking sitting smile
glad they spent this years gone wild
smiling tender hair going grey
such a blessing  every day

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19:19:12 o'clock BST

effigy  hung me
made me crazy
why do i care
why even share
does there seem to be anyone
who can wait and i win
or will i loose one more time again
oh please don't  you hear me plea
what is wrong with me
no one seems to know
what through all i go
i call out and you just dont say
what your doing anyway
i am so unwelcomed why do i even try
i cant stand it so i cry
my emotions wash me away
then i die more each day
so hang me high please use a new rope
aftet all i am nothing and have no hope
so i die bury me deep
i am never anything anyone wants to keep.

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19:17:04 o'clock BST
the image of loud music takes me away
from the images of hate that seem to say
go we dont care if you live or die
the pain i live with i dont know why
i scream with words you never hear
the pain you cant bare
i carry it all with the  smile you think is real
but why dont you  hear me whats the deal
am i a raging flood you cant see is cascading over
i am the agony  that stands at the barred door
i hide the pain the shame the humilation i am
so that i can be a good friend
i dont dump what i carry on another shoulder only God knows
because who else would waste time so
do you pray each day that my burden is lessened
i do that for you
but i am evil what else is new
i am hurt not angry make no mistake
i have taken and taken and yet take
see your word are two edge swords cutting me apart
from the child i was i still cant depart
hated and hated and told i am no good
why did you say what  you did
i dont yell or critize i just need a reason to dry my eyes
i sit tears yet shake me like a earthquake of emotion
did i ever matter i ask again
as i believe all the pain the enemy lays bare
i wonder why was i born why am i even hear
i am screaming louder than the loud music i play
who am i to you why do you laugh that way
dont say you dont you set a trap bare
and i wanting to be your friend am caught in there
so why not be real share the truth inside
be happy that i am here stop making me cry
or are you my enemy hurting me for no good reason i can find
i want a friend why cant you hear me  in my mind
i open the door of friendship with ease
just be nice to me
i could be cruel and u se words a weapon to form
but i was taught to believe kindness does less harm
so speak i this a kind gentle word
to those who bother to let me be heard
but to those who speak nasty and hurt me so
i say you have to option to go


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19:15:49 o'clock BST
Feeling Angry

like echos of my soul 
this pain is growing old
it rises up day to day
never able to go away
people share no shame
they dont listen they just blame
they do not see the words shut me tight
making me cry every night
sour pain in my heart till i choke
no one here no  more hope
i don't dream happy things
i dont feel the love that makes me sing
i cant stop looking down
no one cares if i am around
i cant scream help me up
they pass me a poisoned cup
with words or actions they show me true
how much they dont think of what i do
no replies when i write
no praise i need or i die
why doesnt anyone see what i need
i beg and ask and out right plea
so who am i why am i here?
am i here just to be laughed so they jeer
it sure seems my place is below
where i dont matter so i will go
i will hide behind them all
feeling always so very small
i don't think one will even reply
as i sit here and cry.





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19:23:42 o'clock BST
Feeling Surprised

I had the oddest moment reading recent comments apparently someone still reads this old persons odd works and words. I didn't think anyone still did

it is hard on a author not to have readers like being forgotten

and added to recent health issues and alot of sadness i have just felt i should give up

they encouraged me to try still and even said they would miss me

so this confuses me alot

do i stay do i go am i really wanted

most days the answers are as follows ... no   yes  no

and well today i am fighting saying i should still go hide away in my closet of a life

living as pathetic as i have become and just give up alittle more

it seems to be harder lately to get up in the mornings

or even eat

i have lost a few pounds which thrill me anger those who say they care

and concern those who know about my health

i am working as many hours as they give me

and no one seems to notice if i am home nor not

and i love ohhhhhhhh were u at work when they call my phone

lol

gotta look at the chart kids

it says .. when i go and come

oh well

kids dont always listen

my family life has been a down hill slide again

and mixed with depression illness exhaustion work and just generally hating me

i am back to not praying

which is weaking me

i don't really have anyone  to reach out to with that prayer uplift like i used too

i  miss my good friends and i wish i had more time to speak to them

well i guess since no one is on

i will just go back to bed

yes i do that alot anymore

stay up a couple hours then go to bed

nothing much to stay up for

i did buy a couple stupid films

lol

okay i got a chick flick

the sisterhood of the traveling pants

and i cried

it felt so much like how i feel that i just empathized with everyone

okay i am a rather odd person

lol i cry at movies

but i guess it makes me human

well time to walk a dog

eat something before i get knocked in the head for not doing so

and then nap

yes i getting old enough for naps

to those who still read laugh at those moments

lol

 

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07:05:17 o'clock BST

TO THE VERY FEW WHO BOTHERED TO READ I OFFER A BRIEF APPOLOGY

SORRY BUT DUE TO THOSE WHO DO NOT HEAR ME

I WILL JUST REMOVE OR BLOCK THIS AND ANY OTHER WHISPER WRITINGS

IF YOU HAD OR WISHED TO BE ADDED TO A PRIVATE EMAILING LIST

I WILL HONOR IT WITH A COUPLE EXCEPTIONS. HAVE GREAT LIVES

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05:45:39 o'clock BST
Feeling Angry

i am hurting no one sees me

i am angry no one hears

i hear lies tossed at me

as people sleep or play or go to chats i sit in absolute agony

wanting death more than i am supposed too

i cry inward out word and with out words

no one sees

no one who says they feel me do

i am so tired of this agony of being alone all the time

the only time anyone says they care isi if i am listening to their romance

or their fun day in a filthy chat

i dont care about the fakes on line

i was a real person

i wanted to matter i even said that

no one hears me no one

not the best friend i am supposed to have who has my home phone

and my cell number

not the people i work with

not the people at my house

i get critized abandoned and hated

for the stupidist reasons

and i am so tired of it

i really am

i have shut up when people fail me

when i sit on line even when sick and tired

to support someone in need and all i get when i need someone

is there stupid comments about someone else i dont even know or want too

it is as if i am totally invisable

really what is the use of calling them friends if they cant even hear me

today i had all i could do to turn over a found razor

okay if you dont know mei am a cutter big deal cry over it right?

well with my history one cut can lead to one attempt

but do u care proably not see i wasnt worth keeping at birth

i wasnt worth keeping from one foster home to another

as a person i am not worth bieng respected at home job or in life

so i turned with hope

the last hope to my two friends

one heard me .. but only a bit

the other went on about themselves or went silent so i felt i was really int he way

that is the one who hurts me most

even though i was thinking bad things wanting to go to exit life

i called her

saying .. hey i heard your message how r u

letting go of my own self hate and pain to be there

tonight i get AIR

absolute air

while she talks of her hopeful romance

of her chat room buds

and how i can come in

omg why would i want a crowd of strangers around me when i am feeling hated .. thinkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

darn

just think i am feeling hated okay

i bet they dont even read this not that it matters to them i ever was

i dont want to hear the lies anymore

if they hate  darn it say it

so i can heal or die alone

instead of always hoping i reached one idiot in the world

and someone did once care..

darn me

darn them

and darn life ALTOGETHER

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11:08:50 o'clock BST

life and friendship have been destroying me part by part till frankly i dont want or care anymore.

i am slowly loosing the couple friends i have

and kids i called my own betray me and make my life hell i dont care if they read this

i am still destroyed by their actions

when i have never set out to harm anyone no one ever

i was a peace loving person who wanted to be loved by others

and who valued them above myself

i was a person who would cry in private over every nasty word said at me

or of me and relayed to me by careless people who liked gossip

i was a person once  who had a dream

i have no longer why bother i will never be valueable to anyone

i have nothing to hold to but the hope that i can die

and be done so everyone will be happy

i do not lie about my feelings or try to hide them

i do not care if anyone finds this offensive

it is not their buisness if i am sad

they didnt care when i  had hope

now there is none

 

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