Still Teen Traumas

16:24:15 o'clock GMT
Feeling Happy
Hearing My Chemical Romance...Helena

Food In take for the day = Nil (happy)

Caffine In take for the day = Too Much (not sure how i feel about that)

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22:08:54 o'clock GMT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Trivium...The Deceived

4ways to avoid eating ...

1. Dont carry money around, bus pass good investment

2. Spend all the time possibly in the libary, your learning and avoiding food

3. Sleep Alot,

4. When you are about to eat place a miror in front of yourself (works for me)

 

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18:05:02 o'clock GMT
Feeling Angry
Hearing Avril Lavigne...Complicated

Yeh listening to soft punk rock, extremly rare for me especially when i am so fucking angry and pissed of at me everything about me and everthing i should be and i am not....

 

it has started again i sat and watched it bleed

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20:46:28 o'clock GMT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Thank You...Simple Plan I am spiralling into the black abyss that is my own twisted me, as i sit here writing iam eating starburst, and crying i feel as though i am reaching the end of the line, i couldnt sleep again last night and just as i was starting to get used to more than 2 hours uncomfrotable sleep, i spent all of last night crying, i just hate the fact i have no one, no real friends there is no one i feel that i can just sit and talk to... i was talking to some one online and i felt as though i was helping them, how the hell can i help them when im such a mess, it made me realise that im less than sorted, i hate christmas i feel as though i have eaten more than i should, then i go and throw up until my stomach is completly empty then i go and eat cookies its like i cant even control my own body anymore so i cut, and watch it bleed, it is the only releif i have and the only control i sem to be able to maintain over myself and i hate myself cause i have seen the scars, in a picture, a photograph, the scars were there jumping of the page for everyone to see i felt as though my privacy was being invaded. i deleted them all and tore the prints up. somethings are best kept personal,

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23:40:16 o'clock GMT
Feeling Happy
Hearing Fall Out Boy...The Pros And Cons Of Breathing

Well i ate to day but through my own choice bad idea...cause my stomach didnt want it, and i spent quite some time cooking...my hair is starting to break and that is so not cool...im gonna need to take supplements and i hate pills, of any sort some im kinda in a messed up place that i created...was it my imagination or was it really there at the back of my closet. Had a good day, some retail therapy is good brought my latest calling. Bullet For My Valentine...Poison. The album is very very good recomend also invested in some other metal albums (system of a down. and. trivium) also very good but i brought the wrong trivium album so back to the shops but still good.Is it possible that not one shop stocks slipknot when they check their computers but when i have a browse its jumping of the shelf into my hand. Also got a great cd player which i can plug my mp3 into and also an SD card slot which is just great. really made my day. i came home smiling which is change. wen to the chinese doctor a few month back who gave me some herbal thing to drink to help me sleep. worked wonders i actually dremt and i was rather sceptical before hand but my mom convinced me to give it a try. also been drinkin lots of green tea which is meant to speed up the metabolism. havent played the drums in a while but thats due to the UCAS thingy who knew choosing a course and 6 universitys would be so difficult imagine if i could only choose 1 i would be here 2mnts later with no anserw. well 6mnts since i started looking and i have 8 will narrow down to 6 after some visits...well im of to bed as i have a long day ahead of me...

adios...

*music saves lives*

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03:48:08 o'clock GMT
Feeling Mischievous
Hearing The Oc

I was going to add more but thought ill leave t until tommrow incase nothing exiting happens..

*the music rocks my socks*

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03:44:18 o'clock GMT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Bullet For My Valentine...Hand Of Blood

Well i havent spoken for a while thats cause i have had a block put on...i was in hospital blacking out and apparently im malnutrisoned(however you spell that) and dehydrated, but i just cant drink water, i really dont know why so know im drinking green tea, which has a bitter taste but isnt to bad. My arm is pretty raw from the scratching, cutting and so on. The drum kit is really great. I am not talking to my dad and i actually don't mind[i think he is the mount to all my problems...i started cuting to get the anger towards him out. i also turnt to mia because ever since i was young he has been saying im overweight and it really got to me, everyone said i wasnt but after a while it gets to you and now i have only gone and proven him right thats why i need to loose weight so bad. i think it will help with my confidence aswell im going to uni next year and i cant even communicate with new people as i think they are just judging me by appearance just because i judge myself by my apperance and he is bloody ruining my sister as well, i thought about killing myself the other day. but i could never do that to my mom or sister]. I havent eaten for three days which is really great for me im so happy. i havent drunk any water either so im just stocking up on the liquids now. gonna go to bed soon. i dont think im loosing any weight but then again my mom has hidden the scales. i really love my mom she is brilliant, but it is really frustrating her doing this to me. she doesnt actually know she is hurting me.

anyway i brought a cd player for myself today. the first thing i have brought for myself since i have been recieving pay... and it didnt work so i took it back, exchanged it and it still didnt work so i kicked the door with no shoes on and really hurt my toe and stabed myself in the arm with some nail scissors, quite sharp then i stabed them into the door and walked out. i need to get my emotions under control, one minute im crying then screaming with happiness, also been going to a few gigs that has been the greatest time when i just forget everything for a few hours. anyway im gonna go to bed my knees are hurting and i believe the internet band has been lifted, so ill be online a lot more....=) bye for tonight

*i believe the music saved my life*

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23:50:52 o'clock BST
Feeling Quiet
Hearing The Mascara Story - Kissing A Vending Machine

Well A Ruined Day, But At Least I am Not Sleeping On A Matress On The Floor Anymore My Bed Has Been Put In. I Have Not Eaten Anything Today...I Still Dont Feel Hungry, I've Had 2 Cans Of Diet Coke and Red Bull. I Feel A Little Sleepy Ive Had A Rough Day And Have Some Pretty Red Pictures On My Arms To Show For It. I Hate My Self, Because I Think Im Killing Me And I Actually Want To Die. Just Sleep Forever And Not Be Botherd By Life. I Needed To Vent So I Got My Guitar A Little While Later, I Think I Should Of Got The Guitar Straight Out And Not Gone For My "Box Full Of Sharp Objects" (the title of a song by The Used). Iam Going To Order A Drum Kit Next Week If All Goes To Plan, The I Can Thrash It Out On That, And Not MySelf....I Think Im In Love And It Is Tearing Me Apart But I Dont Know Who With....Confusing Or What, Maybe I Just Want To Feel The Feeling Of Loving Someone.

Well, So Long And GoodNight (My Chemical Romance - Helena)

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00:39:24 o'clock BST
Feeling Loopy
Hearing Simple Plan - Vacation

I am Totally Nutty I Want To Buy A Drum Kit In Addition To My Eletric Guitar, So To Make More Space I Have Disposed Of My Double Bed:'(    I Now Have The Top Half Of My Sisters Bunk Bed...Kinda Kool Until I Realise What I Have Done And Regret It Real Bad. I Have Eaten 3 Slices Of Cheese And 2 Crackers... I Havent Even Felt Hungry Although I Was Craving For A Diet Coke Earlier.

 I Read An Article In A Magazine About ProAna/ProMia Websites n' How Bad They Are, And I Went On One And Looking At The Thinspirational Pictures I Couldnt Help But Wishing I Looked Like The Beautiful Models And Wishing I Had Their Perfect Lives And Perfect Boyfriends And Perfect Bodies. I Want That So Bad, But I Kno I Should Loose Weight The Healty "Doctor Approved" Way But It Doesnt Help. Mia Has Actually Done Something I Can Actually See A Diffrence And I Love The Feeling Of Acheivement.

The Problem With Tv. I Love The Oc and Adam Brody aka Seth Cohen. All The Girls Are Stunningly Drop Dead Goregous And Have To Die Gor Figures You Watch Them And Cant Help But Want To Be Just Like Them. Stick Thin And Perfect Lives, Some Have It All.

 

Signing Out ~Ajay~

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00:54:15 o'clock BST
Feeling Quiet
Hearing My Chemical Romance - Helena Iam A Teenage Drama Queen, I'll Throw My Guts Up For Self Esteem. (Not 100% True But 50%)

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