Paul Daniels' Diary

Wedding in Scotland

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 13:07:41 GMT

Until today, Debbie and I had a really nice weekend. We flew up to Newcastle and then rented a car to drive up to a town I had never heard of, called Hawick.

Like me, you are mostly likely pronouncing it like it looks but up there they call it Hoyck (that's the nearest spelling I can get to the sound). All I can say is if you can go there for a visit, GO. In the photo it doesn't look like much but this is a town of wondrous charm and history.

We were there for my nephew's wedding and we were booked into a B and B, called Bank Hill because it had been a High Street Bank at one time. Donna and her husband have turned the ancient offices into really tasteful rooms and the first thing we did was go for a walk up and down the High Street. Tiny shops like all towns used to have whipped me back to a time when shoppers, usually women, would wander from shop to shop, the sales people knew their names and what they liked and they would meet all their friends and nip into the lovely little tea shops for a natter.

Just about everyone talked to us. We bought various bits and bobs and wonderously, in a stationery shop, the lovely lady wrote down the prices of our purchases, drew a line under the column, and added it all up in her head. Yes, they did sell calculators but I couldn't help thinking how much they had saved on computers, cash tills, electricity and the like over the years.

The butchers and fishmongers were displaying the best wares I have seen in years and the smell from the several small bakers drew you into their shops.

Sadly, I believe, the local council had allowed a Supermarket to be built on an old auction site and the tiny tell tale signs of 'the end is in sight' are just starting to show. I have no doubt it is more efficient to drive to the shop and collect everything from one place but oh how the buyers are missing out on the beauty and the social aspects of walking that High Street.

Outside our room window was a strange pair of mirrors on an arm. I assumed it was a sort of early CCTV for the bank but when I went out those little mirrors were dotted up and down the street.

I asked about them and they are called 'Nosey Mirrors' and the women could sit inside and see who was coming and going up and down the street. One lady said that her Grandmother died at the age of 106 and she was convinced that the Nosey Mirror was one of the reasons because it kept her interest in the town alive.

Rain was forecast for the day of the wedding but apart from a bit of wind from time to time all was well weatherwise. The wedding was really well organised by Sarah's parents and friends and we were invited to enjoy the gardens (very special) and the tremendous views around the marquees in which they were wedded and the functions took place. You could feel their happiness and we met a whole lot of new relatives!

Being me, and tending to find the funny side of stuff, I thought you might like to see this old property behind the High Street.

What made it funny for me was the sign on the door:

I couldn't help wondering what it looked like before the restoration!

We came home via Newcastle and a meeting with Martin Duffy (it was his birthday) and on the way had a call from the fabulous banjo player Steve Galler. He stayed last night and the chat went well into the night.

Today it is Mam's 92nd birthday. She has asked for a new wheelbarrow so I will deliver it when we go round a bit later. What a woman!

Bits and Bobs

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:20:03 GMT

Well, I have been playing at sucking silt this afternoon. One correspondent has suggested barley straw and I read about that but it seems to be used for clearing algae and I don't have any of that. The water is very clear. What I have is a deep layer of silt on the bottom of the cul de sac of a creek.

My latest attempt is to use a 'vacuum' cleaner that sends the muddy water into a sort of handbag with a net bag inside it. When the bag is full up you put it onto your compost heap. The first snag was the very vague instruction sheet on how it all went together, especially the bag. The second snag was that the mesh in the bag did not trap the silt, which is as fine as talcum powder. The third, and major snag, is that every few minutes any twig or leaf bungs the whole thing up and you spend more time clearing the blockage than you do sucking. Ah well, on with the thinking cap again.

Someone has written about the current game shows on TV. Hmmm... dare I say this? The powers that be don't seem to understand that a game should have an entertainer as the host and not a journalist. They have no sense of the fun of the game and their timing is generally dire. I love Eggheads and truly admire their ability to recall such a wide range of knowledge. I like Dermott, who presents it, but oh dear, I do wish he would change the script. Every night, every game, every word is repeated and it is now becoming boring. Such a shame.

The Weakest Link is one of those shows that could so easily be improved and made into a far better game. You might be thinking I want to remove Anne Robinson but even if you didn't do that the structure of the game could be changed to make it far more interesting. An entertaining presenter would be better, but it's not all that necessary.

QI? I wouldn't alter a thing. I love it.

Speaking of TV shows, I felt badly let down by one of my favourites this week. 'New Tricks' had a script that kept going on about a 'magician' when they kept talking about a hypnotist and then, on top of that, mixed that up with a person who affected people using 'neuro-linguistic programming' when every one with half a knowledge knows that is pure gobbledegook used to cover up normal mental magic. Such a shame for such a great programme.

Off to Scotland tomorrow for a family wedding.

BIG NEWS: It didn't rain today.

It's a Joke, isn't it?

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 10:34:55 GMT

Is someone having a laugh? I know I went on a bit about the so called 'Olympic' games but it has now hit me how daft it all is. This was caused by there being nothing else on TV so I decided the time had come to transfer my off air recordings of the Magic Shows from VHS to DVD. I started last night and, of course, not knowing what the details are I had to watch three 40 minute shows and list the stuff.

This morning, checking the DVD the normal programming cut in as I paused the playback and there were some girls playing a 'pat-a-ball-over-a-net' game on a beach. I have seen this on beaches around the world where families and friends are having fun BUT I ask you - an OLYMPIC SPORT? Get outta here. This is truly silly. AND on the news they have named Phelps, a swimmer, as the Greatest Olympian of All Time. What nonsense. He only swims. The greatest Olympians, surely, must be chosen from the Decathletes, who are truly great athletes and have to succeed right across the board.

One correspondent who left a comment on my blog came up with something I wrote about before, so I am bound to agree with him. Like me, he suggests that the Olympics should be held in Greece every time and that would cut down on what it costs nations to host this event for people whose hobby is their own body.

Mind you, as deception is my job, I did laugh at the world watching graphic creations of fireworks and not the real thing as well as listening to a pretty girl miming to another girl's voice. I do love a good con.

In normal life I decided to try some pond sludge clearance stuff to clear the sludge in my creek. I dumped, as per the instructions, 30 zillion micro bugs into the water. They are supposed to go munchy-munchy and devour the 'orrible stuff. It will take some time of course but despite that I went out later to see if there was any sign of disturbance on the bottom. The creek was full of ducks going munchy-munchy on my bugs! Ah well, back to the drawing board.

The Boring Olympics

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:59:45 GMT

I used to think I was alone in my opinion of the Olympic Games but then I unwrapped a very old magic trick and the newspaper wrapping from all those years ago had an article by a journalist who, like me, simply could not understand what ALL the fuss was about. As she said, these are people who have a hobby, and all their running jumping lifting riding does absolutely nothing at all to benefit anyone else but themselves.

IF they want to do it, fine, but why should the BBC cut off ALL other programming so their relatives can watch them playing. It is, after all, only a GAME, not something that will save the world. It is, to a non participant, utterly boring. Ah yes, but Great Britain might get a GOLD medal. No we won't. The hobbyist will.

And now it has got worse; professionals compete in what should above all other competitions, be for amateurs. This morning I was promised that I could watch amazingly non exciting stuff like girls' hockey, and badminton. Oh my God.. at least it makes me do some work.

Dear BBC, I don't want to watch stamp collecting or men with train sets on TV, so why should I consider watching other hobbies?

OK reader, convince me I'm wrong.

The Guardian opinionpaper

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:33:17 GMT

Today somebody sent me a copy of a review in the Guardian newspaper. It was quite nice about me and my act

but I can't believe what is written.
To understand that we have to cover quite a bit of information. Years ago, on a children's TV programme, a

director was asked by a child how to handle the comments that critics made and the advice was to consider it

carefully and if the comments were in any way constructive, then 'you should consider them even more carefully

and decide whether they really did apply to your act or performance. Then it is up to you to take those comments

on board or not. It's a choice. On the other hand, if the criticism is destructive, then ignore it completely because

it serves no purpose at all.' Great advice. I have tried to apply that thinking to every review I ever read.
Then I started to think about the peculiar job of being a critic. They say that to be in showbusiness you have to

have an ego, a conceit, but surely there is no one in show business with such a conceit as a critic, who believes

that what he or she says, is of any importance to the audiences that go to shows, or watch TV. Who cares what

the critic thinks? Ask anyone in this business and the know that the biggest seller, or the biggest killer, of tickets,

is word of mouth.
Over a long period of time some critics do build up a rapport with their readers who start to understand where they

are coming from and what they like and don't like.
I have often wondered why they are called 'critics' and not 'enjoyers' because who in their right minds goes out to

see a show to criticise it. We, the public, go out to enjoy ourselves and in the main we do.
Certainly in the current show I watch the audience every night falling about and even crying with laughter at the

antics of the performers. Make no bones about it, the vast majority of every audience leaves the theatre having had

a wonderful night of entertainment.
So let us consider the Guardian, a newspaper that everyone knows has always been extremely blinkered and only

looking to the left and at the 'politically correct'. I stopped reading it years ago because of that. I think that

newshounds should offer a wide and unbiased view of what is happening in our world. The editor obviously chose

a person to review this show who totally ignored the audience around them. They found racism where it does not

exist. Jokes exist in this show and if you leave out jokes about various races then surely you are being racist. I

didn't find it racist when the Indian comics sent up the British so well in their show. These are JOKES and the only

criterion is whether the jokes are funny or not. Let's face it, the vast majority of racism now is coming from the

ethnic minorities and 'New Labour' politicians against the white majority in this country. I prefer jokes.
The writer criticises wee Jimmy of the Krankies for going on about her bus pass but we all get old mate and surely

it is better to make an older audience feel that it is OK to laugh at that fact, than write depressing columns that

scream 'ageism'. Isn't that supposed to be politically incorrect?
This ill-informed woman seemed to have no idea that you aim a show at a particular audience and she knew who was on the bill before she went in. She did not do her job of reviewing the show for its intended audience and found a desperate need to bring in 'New Labour' (who we all know were really old Conservatives in the beginning and then for the second time since the Second World War have taken the country into bankruptcy - ooops.. sorry, is that too policitally correct for this response?)
She likes alternative comedy, where in the main young comics believe that saying a naughty word to young audiences that find that use funny. Well, eventually they will grow up, and perhaps, so will she.
All in all, that is why, sadly, I can't believe the nice words she wrote about me. If, as is true, she got the rest so wrong, maybe she was wrong about me too.
Come to the show and let me know.

Best of British Variety 2008

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 16:51:36 GMT

The show is on the road after the months of talking about it. I drove up to the east coast to get to Skegness for mid-afternoon. The sun shone, then it rained a bit, then the sun shone...it's been a bit like that all week. It's always nice to turn up at a theatre and see the 'SOLD OUT' sign out front.

Many people asked me how long we had been rehearsing but the professional side of showbusiness doesn't really do that much. The performers KNOW what they want and how to do it. They can surprisingly quickly tell the lighting man, the sound guy, and the stage manager what they want and when and the jigsaw all fits together.

Backstage, of course, there's a lot of laughter and banter and it's fun. It really is fun and believe me, if you can get a ticket, see this show. It has one review so far, written on the first night http://www.thestage.co.uk/reviews/review.php/21515/best-of-british-variety-tour

I didn't hang about after the show because I do like to get at least half way to the next venue and as there is no finale I was on the road before it ended, after a quick burger with Les and his kids (who knew all the words to the old songs!).

When I arrived at the Travelodge I discovered that I had left my phone in the dressing room and just had to hope someone did a sweep to check. True enough, Kiersti told me the next morning that Claude, the touring stage manager, had got it, so I set off for Lowestoft and picked it up at lunchtime. That meant I was there far too early. The show isn't until 7.30, so I tidied the car, had a burger (the luxury of food on the road) and generally doodled my way through the day. The theatre is a little gem and the manager Martin should get more help from the council. He is doing a great job. The show was sold out again and I went round to watch the Krankies act. I have decided to watch one act every few nights so that I will see them all by the time the run ends.

The Krankies have been the butt of jokes by the media and 'modern' comics who have obviously never sat and watched their act. The way the act built and built on the laughter was a real lesson. She is brilliant at timing a gag. There were moments towards the end when I couldn't breathe from laughing and the audience was roaring.

I had my car packed and decided to drive home instead of staying over. I do love my own bed but I didn't make it home until 2.45am.

Tonight I have the night off so I will go to Luton airport and pick Debbie up at about 1.30am. Another late night. It's nearly 6 o'clock now so I will go and cook my dinner. Er... does a fried egg sandwich count as dinner? Does it count as cooking?

Tomorrow, Southend.

TESCO

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:04:31 GMT

For those who have not seen it yet.... try going to http://www.visit4info.com/advert/TescoComparecom-Paul-Daniels-Magic-Tesco-Compare-Car-Insurance/62073

Clearing Sludge and other things

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 15:32:51 GMT

As I write this it is late afternoon on Wednesday. The Tescocompare.com advert has been seen by everyone but me and one nutter even phoned me up for a quote on a Mondeo.

When I dropped Debbie off in Southampton to go on the Aurora on holiday, I drove home and packed my clothes, my stage clothes, my washbag, computer, cameras and the stuff for my act. It was my intention to stay away all this week and that packing is, believe me, not the first time I have done it. So, having driven to Southampton and back, I then drove up to Doncaster, calling at Mam's on the way to make sure she was OK. She seems to be more OK than me.

In these days of theft I had to carry all the valuables into the Travelodge, stuffing things under my arms and balancing them and me. Why is it that Travelodge room doors have such strong springs on them. Over the years I have developed a technique but this one was tougher than most. I put down what I could, balanced on one leg whilst I found the key that I had lost in the 25 yard walk to the room, managed to force the door open and stick one foot against it whilst I pushed through and dropped the rest of my luggage. I turned round and bent to pick up the bits I had put down as the door decided I was a pretty good target. It banged forward to close, hit my arse and knocked me across the corridor to bash my head on the opposite door.

In my dreams this is the moment when the stunning blonde opens the door and kisses me better but the huge semishaven guy who answered wasn't amused by my 'Sorry wrong door'. Thank goodness he wasn't gay because he could easily have pulled me in and that would have been the end of me, literally.

I fought the door again and spent a boring couple of hours playing with my toys. I had booked in for two nights and the next morning did not have to carry everything back out again. Les met me at the warehouses and marvelled at the amount of stuff I still have to dispose of. Like most illusion stores the props need refurbishing before they go back on stage, but that was always the way with the travelling magicians. I wonder if anyone wants to buy them.

After that I went to visit Lewis and Camilla and together with Martin and Jo we went out to a local pub for dinner. Perfectly timed for me to get back to the motel to watch 'New Tricks'.

I thought that I would have a lot of work to do the next day but after measuring Martin's stools (no, it's not a medical thing, they are props) and visiting a financial advisor (why is it they never have as much money as me?) I set off for Skegness. After a few miles I realised that I would then have to waste two days of my life so I turned round and headed for home. The M1 was blocked. Oh joy. A lorry had jacknifed. In such situations I think about all the people who are missing appointments, aeroplanes, holidays and so on and I always think that the person who causes the accident should have insurance to pay compensation.

I got home in the early evening and couldn't be bothered being a hive of industry. Today I have cleared the site for my new shed (Yes... another one), cleared some sludge out of the creek, tested the new oars on my dinghy and bought some new rollocks. ROLLOCKS madam, spelt rowlocks thank you. And yes, I HAVE heard all the jokes. I am in for a quiet evening and later might check all the props for tomorrow when I will be heading for the first night of the tour. Wish me luck.

The Silence of the House

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 15:05:56 GMT

This house is very quiet. Nothing disturbs it but the whirring of a computer fan. I can almost hear me breathing. What difference to the last few days. Keith and Sue, Martin and Jo, Lewis and Camilla, have all been staying here and our life has been a whirlwind of going to the theatre and the cinema as well as shopping, going to the beach in Reading, playing crazy golf and watching Camilla fly high in the air on a bungee jump. We even went to Legoland and entered the world of log flumes and roundabouts. Late at night we rode the river trying to see if there was anything in the way as I tried to remember the way it twists and turns.

Late nights and early mornings resounded to the laughter of conversation and television was ignored. The first to go, yesterday, was Martin with his family and they were then quickly followed by Keith and Sue. Debbie went into a flurry of ironing and packing and I washed up (don't tell anyone).

When Debbie dashed out this morning to do her early stint on Radio Berkshire it was my turn to sort out the myriad bits and bobs of my act and pack that and a week's supply of clothing. Midday and Debbie came home, quickly changed and I drove her to Southampton to join the Aurora for a week with her family and then I drove home.

This house is very quiet. I am the only one here. Soon I will have stored the boat under the house, loaded the car with clothes and props and laptop and phone chargers and make sure the security and alarms are all active....

Then I too will head north for a week of sorting out the old illusions and tricks that I have in containers; meet up with financial advisors; head for Skegness, then Lowestoft, and start the Variety tour before picking up Debbie at about 1.30 in the morning of Sunday so she can go to the studios again. After that, whilst I am heading for Southend, she will hear the silence of the house.

Big Bad Mouse

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 09:03:16 GMT

Almost 10 am and I have already been into Henley, parked, had a haircut, taken Paddington to have an eye check, and I am back again.

Paddington? Yes, that's the nickname for my friend Keith who is married to Sue who was the small waitress in the comedy series 'Allo 'Allo and is now in the play Big Bad Mouse. This is starting to read like one of those 'linking TV shows' that are getting more and more prevalent.

Debbie and I, and our good friends Peter and Jean, all went to see Big Bad Mouse last night in Windsor at the Theatre Royal. IF you can get to see it this week, GO! We spent a couple of hours laughing our heads off. The play is very old and the couple who made it famous originally (it toured for 12 years) were a couple of comedians called Jimmy Edwards and Eric Sykes. Sykes is a comic genius.

Of late two of the UK's top comics have taken it out on the road and Tommy Cannon and Bobby Ball did a great job last night. They kind of control the play 'cos they don't stay in character and you never know when they are going to walk out of the set and ad lib to the audience. Great fun, and highly recommended. This is the last week of the run before Tommy and Bobby become part of the Variety Tour that we start on the 7th.