Ten thirteen goes forth

A typical get together in middle england

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 22:03:53 GMT

Just had a brill weekend which started on Friday with a leaving do for a work colleague. I havent seen many of my colleagues due I suppose to me being a sarcastic bastard in the workplace so it was good to abuse them again . Saying that two of the "life skills" (pinko cack subject!!) got their own back . As I tried to walk to the bar to get a drink in my currently unusual walking style they thought I was trying to dance and tried to join me on the floor . I thanked them warmly but pointed out I was merely trying to cure my thirst .. Funny tho !! However Saturday was the real jewel I am waiting to share but still awaiting a whole load of pics from what was one of the best parties I have ever been to . A 70s retro fancy dress job ... Ideal ... now what could I possibly go as ...

Got a lot of stick for looking far too comfortable .. !! Will put the other pics up when they come thru ... truly brill . Only downside was had a private physio session and have got a lot of issues with right leg following the surgery ... Lots more swimming on the menu for next week ..

Regards

Shaun

The early memories of small children ... and what goes around !!

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 11:51:18 GMT

I am one of four boys and am 8 yrs older than my youngest brother Liam . As a small child Liam achieved three major qualities that young men need .At a very early stage Liam had achieved courage , stupidity and was extremely gullible . What this meant was that Liam was expected to play a full and active role in the full contact competitions we held whenever my parents were not within eye or earshot . Indoor rugby and boxing matches were not uncommon and sadly for Liam being in a nappy did not exclude him from participation . As I recall he was actually quite willing to take part and more than fancied his chances in whatever we did . A particular favourite was always pillow boxing where we would wrap our fists in something soft like a pillow or a cushion and beat the hell out of each other . In Liam's case as he was so small we would go on our knees and let him beat hell out of us until the last minute of the fight .... during this crucial period Liam would always seem to get caught by a big right hand and was sometimes unconcious before he hit the floor . The beauty of him "nearly" winning was he was always game to come back for another go !! (the fool!!)

Now before anyone says how rotten we were to Liam it was the way we all were and no grudges were ever held ........ or so I thought !

Liam is now bigger than all of us and is a respected and successful physiotherapist in South West London and is excellent at treating musco - skeletal disorders . Clearly his "Spartan" upbringing instilled a wise career choice.

Both Liam and his wife Sylvine who is also an excellent physiotherapist came down yesterday to do some work on my back and leg . I was very gratefull and lay face down on the floor as Liam suggested . he moved in behind me and I realised I was actually unable to move ...

I heard the words i dreaded ..... "Remember those boxing matches mate ?" .... Now call me a bit of a girl if you like but I am convinced that the following manouvre is nothing that the institute of chartered physiotherapists know about .

I do jest ... yes it hurt a lot but it was all neccesary and I felt a lot better for it ... when I regained conciousness ! Also having the whole thing clearly explained and being given some pain releif ideas was also good . many thanks to Liam and Sylvine , who I must add had kinder hands but was not competing against the inner demons of the "competitive childhood!"

Body Logic ... top people !!

Absolutely excellent service !!

regards

Shaun

Super shite TV ads

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 00:54:51 GMT

Are you : TIRED

FRUSTRATED

NOT GETTING JOB SATISFACTION

Did you know that the average salary in the world of IT is 37K a year . If you sign up for some meaningless course with some anonymous training company you too can have a cheap suit and be respected by everyone ... and think of that average salary of £37 grand . Think you all have seen the ad ....

What it doesnt say is that this average salary probably includes that of Bill Gates and if he dies the average comes back to about £13k !!

nearly as much cack as

ARE YOU ...... FAT

BALD

LONELY

INCAPABLE OF MEETING WOMEN

BELIEVE THAT 20 YR OLD STUNNING WOMEN WITH MASTERS DEGREES ARE INTERESTED IN BEING YOUR LOVE PARTNER FOR LIFE !!

Well simply text some shitey text number and good looking, horny and incurable nymphomaniac will want to love you forever ... Of course there may be some long chats at premium rate to your 20 yr old dream date who is in fact 65 ... But hey ... she loves you !!

Another thing that irritates me is all these bloody tossers who sell viagra and see fit to fill up my spam box with "Buy affordable viagra!!" I do not need it and if I did want some help with my private parts I certainly would not seek chemical enhancement from some unknown internet nerd ... you get me !!

The true definition of Marketing is Customer .... Needs .... Satisfaction ....

In the world of Bastard marketing you find someone weak , vulnerable or in emotional crisis , find their achilles heel and then mentally , emotionally and financially kick the shit out of them !!

Must away as Cilla has just come on to remind me to take out other policies I do not need so as that I can leave a dollop of cash for my loved ones when I peg out !! As far as I am concerned have already done that as in my will it states that the sum of £500 is over the bar for the wake ... That is 200 pints of Blue cider ... shame I will miss it !!

Actually I have one final thought on sick advertising ... Whoever was sick and morbid enough to put a picture of Myra Hindley as part of the London Olympic video should be named , shamed and if possible prosecuted .. I can see the funny side of a lot of things but was disgusted by that . I will be even more angered if I later discover the video to have been made with public money .

I have subsequently read that the video was made by people called "Visit London" using an image by an artist called Marcus Harvey who actually made it from childrens handprints . Rather than issue an immediate apology "Visit London" defend the image illustrating how it shows a freedom of censorship . Marcus Harvey .... you are a wanker who has insulted the feelings of those who lost children to Brady and Hindley . "Visit London" a perverse bunch of psuedo artistic loons . I only hope the video becomes your companies "ratner moment" ... Now thats freedom of censorship !!

regards

Shaun

The Olympics are coming to Portland

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:13:06 GMT

Firstly conditional apologies to anyone I offended in previous blog with my language over the Myra Hindley video . By conditional I exclude "Visit London" and Marcus Harvey ... I still hope ur next poo is a pineapple !!

Ok ...so the sailing at the 2012 Olympics will be coming to Portland and I for one can only see that the performances of all the competing nations can only be improved , especially over that of the previous few Olympic games . So what is it that Portland has that the likes of Beijing , Athens and Sydney do not have ..... (other than a fear of rabbits ! and the elixir of life that is blue cider !)

The answer is simple , it is what we do not have in Portland that will improve the performance of the sailors because they will be far more relaxed and less concerned about falling in the water !!

(The first attempt to mark out the sailing course at the Sydney games ) Yes that is correct ... Athens , Beijing and Sydney all had bloody big Nobby Clarkes in the water . In Portland we have intelligent bass and stupid mackerel and no one is scared of them !

There are some scary tourists in the water and I must confess that the island is not a hotbed for beautiful bodies and fashion icons

Mind you .. we do have some fantastic venues for sailing ... I took these pics of the Kite and wind surfers earlier today whilst driving .... (shortly before I crashed !) Absolutely fantastic .

The water is clear , fairly shallow and sandy . Quite often as you drive across the causeway the surfers stay level with you and they get some fantastic speed up . Also just along the same bit of coast will be the official mooring of mine and lightenings boat the "saucy trout" so if anyone wants to get out on the water to see the games , have more money than sense and a morally casual attitude to getting on a small boat with two blokes dressed as pirates drinking blue cider and a zero tolerance policy to public liability insurance you know where to come . Club 18 - 30 (IQ) could be in for a block booking !

Actually all of Dorset has fantastic coastline , an example being Swanage where I went on Sunday for my first proper outing since leaving hospital .

Actually the whole olympic thing will absolutely flounder once it gets to the South west of England simply because the roads will not cope . Have you ever tried to get into Weymouth on a day when the sun is shining ... Unless there is some major new transport development the Dorset coast could well become gridlock city ...

regards

Shaun

Competitive Sport

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:36:14 GMT

Due to my enforced absence from work I have spent a lot of time watching the olympics , which to be honest have been a godsend in my present condition. The performances of team GB have been outstanding ...... I am not just talking about those that have won medals .... there have been lots of performances that have been personal bests and british records which have won no medals but indicate the value of competition . Our cyclists , sailors and oars people have been truly outstanding.

I am at present watching the Dutch swimmer who came back from leukaemia to win a gold . if that doesnt inspire i do not know what does !

\Many (usually commies , Pinkos and social workers !!) seem to think that competitive sport is a bad thing . How can that be ?? Yesterday I saw Lithuania crush China at basketball ... In what other medium could that possibly happen in ... none ! Closer to home ...If you are lucky enough to go to Lansdowne Rd / Croke Park to watch Ireland play rugby then you are watching all of Ireland ... there is no Eire / Ulster divide .... everybody is supporting Ireland ... again showing the value of competitive sport ...

Closer to home ... in a Hellmouth pool challenge the other night against my mate lightening , I had to sign a disclaimer that if I lost I could not blame my health problems as a contributory factor . Lightening was generous though as on two occasions when I could not reach the ball to play a shot he did allow me to put my crutch on the table and use it as a rest !! I didnt win !!

The back and legs still causing probs but am working hard on it . On Liam's advice (he is a private physio) I have started to use electric therapy to re generate nerve growth ...

Sadly for me I have since been visited by Rocky and Lightening who do for the reputation of Physiotherapy what Burke and Hare did for the Ambulence Service , they truly have the comforting bedside manner of Harold Shipman !! Having seen the practical use of mild electrotherapy they have got a Plan B for me .

I think they mean well but am mildly apprehensive !

Regards

Shaun

How to lose lots of weight and how to catch mice .... in the style of Mr Rambo !

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I have to date on three occasions managed to shift a couple of stones quite rapidly and being an all round good egg have decided to share the secret of my success , and without any hidden charges . I did discuss doing this as a for profit type blog with my mate lightening , Wigan's own god of charm and etiquette but his sole contribution was that I should share some physiological information that he regards (when three sheets to the wind!) as highly classified . Wigans finest reckons that a fortune can be made going around telling people that their mouths are actually bigger than their arses and as such should be used less. I warmly thanked him and moved on !!

When I first decided to lose weight I went to weightwatchers and was ritually humiliated by the group leader who insisted on publicly weighing everyone and if you hadn't lost weight saying out loud in the worlds most patronising voice ..... "Mmmm gained 2pounds ... are you disappointed ?" I dreamt of saying "Of course you sadistic bitch ... do you think I enjoy paying £6 to be publicly hung , drawn and quartered ?2

I would be desperate to lose weight and on wednesdays rather than get an "Are you disappointed ... would try and give two pints of blood or donate a limb or organ at the local hospital ... !" I even started going to circuits with Pete da gangsta ... me to lose weight and him as an alibi . The first time I went I actually took three aspirin before starting to give the paramedics a chance of saving me from my impending heart attack ! I gave up going the day when we were doing a step excersize and I looked across to see Pete singing his heart out to "One for Sorrow !" by steps !! It was too much !

Pete is back right !!!

Shortly afterwards I discovered that the easiest way to lose 3.5 stone was for your wife to have an affair and for you to lose your house and family . I have discovered a lot of people , both men and women who have found this method highly successful .

The second plan is a diet plan and will probably not be endorsed by the medical profession . The Caustic Plan !! Whilst working in the food industry I managed a team that had to clean out industrial fryers .. which were about 18 yards long !! We used very strong caustic solutions to eradicate the grease and filth . On Xmas eve 94 whilst tipping a barrel into a fryer I dropped the barrel . rather than run like hell (Correct option !!) I tried to catch it ... (stupid option!) and ended up with dangerous chemical over my face in my eyes and in my mouth . I was dragged straight under the ice shower and had freezing water poured directly into my eyes and face ... I was fully clothed and did knacker the company phone !!I was allowed out when I fainted ! I then spent the rest of the night in hospital with saline solution being squeezed into my eyes to reduce the alkalinity and drinking water like crazy !! I was terrified of losing my sight but the nurses were fantastic !! ... Net result , spent Xmas and New Year feeling like death and unable to eat anything .... .. yet more drastic weight loss !! Another possible plus to the Caustic plan was it got rid of several lines and wrinkles in a rather radical way .... Don't try this at home !!

Finally ... I have in the last 6 weeks managed to lose over 2 stone again on a new scheme called the imobilisation and toilet avoidance plan . When my back was bad prior to going into hospital I could not get up to go to the toilet (My pain killers were also good at constipation!) As a result I simply cut right back on my eating to avoid the need to toilet . I managed to persevere with this in hospital right up until I was able to get out of bed .... a day of deep joy and relief .. sadly most of this weight loss is muscular and my legs have gone from this !!

to this !! Constipation can kill !!!

Again ..... not one to try at home or to take even remotely seriously !!

Now on a lighter note I was given some advice on how to catch mice whilst in the inebriated world of Lightening the other night . At the time he owned two really rather crap and very large furball cats called Starpuss and Frankpuss ! On the day in question Lightening was in his kitchen when spying the rodent ... as a member of HM navy at the time he was fit and took off after it , chasing it into the room where the cats were preening themselves . The terrified mouse ran straight towards the claws of frankpuss who rather than catch or attempt to catch the mouse pulled back out of the way and simply gave Lightening the sort of look which said ... "catch it yourself !!" Lightening continued after the thing chasing it around what is a very large living room . Frankpuss remained stationary and when lightening looked at Starpuss he was sat on the settee with a "You are a really shite mouser !!" expression on its face . Cats do possess the rare talent of looking at you like you are a piece of rubbish .

The enraged lightening finally managed to capture the mouse , sadly though he was unable to return it to the wild as the shotgun didnt leave much behind and he had to spend the next two hours filling and re plastering the wall . There were no little treats for Frankpuss or starpuss for some considerable time !

Regards

Shaun

The Great British Mentality

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 23:02:08 GMT

This one is a bit of a tough call and I must admit a certain bias in that I have family practicing within the sector but my recent experiences into th realms of being imobilised have opened my eyes to certain things . Physiotherapists ..... are they a force for good or do they deliver advanced torture techniques purely for their own pleasure ? For anyone who needs a hand with that question .... let me help ... The evidence for is simply that they simply want to help people return to mobility or to maximise the mobility possible and also to help individuals try and control their pain . They also are very well qualified intelligent people .

The arguement against ..... well as regular readers of the blog will know I was recently laid up in hospital and spent 8 days on a ward . I have no complaints whatsoever about the care I got and nothing but praise for the care staff . Saying that I was also desperate to get home the first chance I had . Obviously to go home you had to show that you were physically able to cope which natuurally meant satisfying the physios.. What I found amazing was the attitude of some of the others on the ward ....

anyone remember this ??

The physios would enter the ward and people who had been chatting a minute earlier would pretend to be asleep ! I actually heard a patient accuse them of just wanting to hurt him . I found the whole attitude amazing but was pleased as it meant I got more physio time for me . It may seem pretty basic and possibly a little crude but being taught how to get out of bed and use a walking frame was one of my highlights as it gave me back the dignity of being able to go to the toilet ... in a toilet ! It also meant I could reach the lads mag that Pete da gangsta and Tracey my guru had brought me ... happy days .... It also meant once I had finished reading the sensible articles within I could take it to the lad in the bed next door ... to ensure further happy days !!

What then confused me yet further was the mentality I discovered outside of hospitals.... On wednesday I had to get to hospital for a physio appointment and due to the foul weather could not get there on my crutches so got a taxi .... As I got in with the crutches the driver assessed quickly and said "got physio have you mate ?" I said I did and before I could say anything else he had gone off on one ..... "F*****G nazis they are mate ... feel sorry for you .... bastards ." I decided it might be wise not to comment as I didnt want to walk !!!

Can it be possible that some people actually do not want to try and improve their own health ?? Do people like staying in hospital ? it is a thought !!!

In typical 1013 goes forth style here comes a shameless plug ... If in the London area and in need of physio help there is a link to my brothers Physio company on the blog info ... Congratulations to Sylvine on landing her first Physio Job today following her recent graduation ...

regards

Shaun

the rigours of the 'A' Level system

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:10:19 GMT

This is like .... really great and kewl innit .... got me A levs results n it was gr8 . Lissenin to fogis talkin bout standards is like really shit cos like gettin 6 A levels is like well common innit speshully when you need to get a stars in sh8kspeer and Inglish ... I mean if u look at the geezer Sh8kspeer he must have been on stuff cos his inglish is proper shit I swear down ... Was bit gutted at only strait A s in Community studies , teenage parenting , sums and the istory of the x factor !!

Right gorra go and chat with me uni .... gonna go Cambridge and do a joint hons in Beckham studies n tabloid journalism . Course is a larrf cos it got the word joint in it !! Ope I can get a cambridge oodie and thers some maccydeees to ang about in .... Bein gest editor was gr8 but cant do it no more cos i dunnow any more words an it dus my ead in 2 ....

respect ..... Zinga

Sincere congratulations to all those students that worked hard and got the grades they deserved ...

regards

Shaun

a blog for all seasons !

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 23:19:42 GMT

Hurrah .... I am off the floor and back on my desktop hence the standard of punctuation in this blog will be increased greatly .... not that this is of any relevence at all according to the dickhead professor who was in the news on friday saying that it was ok to mis-spell words for the youth of today ... he wins the runners up prize for knob of the blog ...

The winners are of course all the hangers on , politicians and superfluous toss potts that outnumber the british olympic team 2:1 in Beijing . We as taxpayers are funding so many bloody jollys it is beyond belief ... ok rant over ..... also apologies for any spelling errors from the initial rant ....

Life on Portland has seemed a little different , what with being imobile , in agony and off work .... luckily I have had several good friends to keep my spirits up ..... The lightening boy , who is of course also at the olympics representing the country in freestyle bigotry and advanced Northern charm ( and a cert for gold unless tested for the stimulant that is blue cider !!) Blue cider is the current elixir of life and can cure all evils with of course the exception of the banging hangover!

This shit is for real and we are professional idiots ... whatever you do ... "Don't try this at home !" I would also like to thank Rocky in that his comments of "get up you bloody cripple" , do not actually imply some form of bullying as we at www.sensitivegroup.co.uk would prefer to think of such comments as pro active motivation !!

Anyway prior to departing for beijing lightening decided that seeing as my back had cost me 3 weeks off work then I was of course worthy of the title of a "Sick Lizard"... I expect all of you know one of these creatures .... off work at a seconds notice and bleating all the way through . With the assistance of Mrs Lightening one of these creatures was tracked down and photographed . The results were startling

Lizardus Sickuss .... The common sick lizard!

Touching this creature will result in outbreaks of self pity and the compulsive need to bother doctors ... Sadly I am at present this creature !!!

Before I get too carried away congratulations to Mr Mark Murphy , Squire of Teddington and Guru to high profile Rugby Players ..I believe he was the man who said to Tony Underwood back in 95 ... Get in Lomu 's face and let him know you're about !".. He is the gay biker in the middle and he has just got married . Sincere congratulations and apologies for the picture which I had promised to delete !!

And finally ... about this time last year I was clowning about with my little camera phone and was trying to take pictures of shite hawks ... i can offer no good reason as to why !!! The object in the middle of the sun was not visible to the naked eye and is not a trick in any way .... I did wonder if it was some sort of eclipse .... any ideas ... ??

many thanks to all who have written or e mailed whilst I was on floor or in hospital ... will try not to embarrass too many .... Gail ... Tracey ... Kev ... Suz ... Lynn to name a few ... The sick lizard thing is a joke and anyone suffering back problems has my full sympathy .... Only blue cider can save you ! My thanks to lightening for bringing gifts of a "Pepperami hot stick and a pie" to my hospital bedside ... I was touched as no other patients got "Northern cures!!) He also brought me a puzzler book because he had seen sick people with them before ... The boy is cheaper and more emotional than a trip to Lourdes!!

Also much respect to Pete da Gangsta for making me the only 45 yr old on the ward with a lads mag .... respect !! He even put it out of my reach . despite this I am still looking forward to going to his 50th birthday party !!

regards

Shaun

an exciting voyage of discovery

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 23:24:52 GMT

following on from last blog , i remained on floor up until the dr calling last monday morning when he announced i had to get straight to dorchester hospitalas i probably had some nerve damage and needed a scan. problem being that it was asolute agony to even move so getting into an ambulance and travelling 17 miles looked a bit awkward

i ended up being placed on a board ... whilst screaming a lot !! and being taken into hospital. i discovered that gas and air does not work other than to make you projectile vomit !

following a scan and some testing i have suffered some nerve damage but can turn it around . i was operated on last thursday as had suffered a prolapsed disc . after a lot af sweat and effort with the physios and nursing staff i came home on mon night, am still in pain and heavily dependent on crutches to walk but do feel much better.

in the last week i have learnt how terrific my family and friends are , how poor the suspension is on ambulances and how difficult sleep can be on a ward . one of the people on there spent the entire time shouting and swearing at all times of night ... yet if anyone else even farted he would roar with indignation . not bad for an 83 yr old ...

am glad to be home and on the floor again !! many thanks to all who visited , rang or texted. big thanks to lightening for not putting the tiger face paint on me whilst i slept ...oh well walking practice in morning so must away ....

regards

shaun