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20:04:00 o'clock BST
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing Milli Vanilli unplugged and accapello
1013s guide to drinking sensibly
As I have frequently referred to .. Drinking is not always big or clever ... sometimes it can be bloody stupid . Whilst I agree with "The Lightening Boy" a true god of consumption that most of lifes issues can be resolved by "flushing them through with cider" It does not always provide the best results . Therefore we have 1013s guide to sensible drinking and it is for women too !!!
My first real "drink is not terrific for you" incident took place as a baby copper in Salisbury . I came across one of the local celebrity idiots ... face down on a wet street , arse sticking up in the air and head jammed in a KFC bargain bucket . Conversation went like this .
1013 .... "dan ... what are you doing ?
Reply .... "looking for the lord our god!"
1013 .... "He 's at Burger king ... your nicked !!"
Now women tend to get quite tetchy and give blokes a bad time about getting blootered and how irresponsible this can be . I did consult the lightening boy who admitted that to many weak men this could be a problem ... He assured me that a strong and proper (northern) man would almost certainly be able to drink through such adversity ! Women also like to remind men that they are multi functional as well as being sensible about their drinking . See below ... the sensible drinking lady can not be bothered to take the call that the sensibly drinking receptionist is trying to pass through ..
Now an educated friend of mine sent me an interesting statistic recently . in the year 2008 eight brits had managed to fracture their skulls with over enthusiastic follow through whilst chundering . Personally I feel this is low and as a nation we should try harder . I did a little research on this and .... would you believe it , managed to find another lady risking skull fracture !
This is a rather difficult position to assume ... I tried and am now awaiting hip replacement . The choice of trousers is inspired in that they will surely conceal any of those little "tell - tale" vomit stains !
Before any girlies get a bit tetchy I must point out that when drinking men can also be a little silly and play jolly little games . I have friends who are very fond of eating the rare and crunchy ,breath freshening hard boiled sweets that people keep dropping in toilets . Never a good move guys ... some of those sweets can actually make your cider go blue !!
A sensibly drinking bloke "bobbing " for toilet sweets !
In a final and somewhat fickle attempt to gain some sort of equality / diversity award in the cynical blog sector I also need to show that gay bikers on tour in berlin also need to respect alcohol . Here lies one of SW Londons finest up and coming business men having had a little too much "Biere blonde" ... Murf ... a top man on tour !!
My good mate Pete da Gangsta has an inbuilt knowledge of when to stop drinking Stella Beatois . Pete says he should always stop when it starts coming out of his ears . Sound advice mate . Ronan is equally sensible ... actually no he isnt he likes drinking water between babychams !
So the 1013 enquiry commitee has come up with the following recomendations.
Apart from fatal accidents , low productivity , increased sickness , domestic violence, violent assault and teenage pregnancy there are no real issues around heavy drinking . The only issue would seem to be to deal with the whole thing better from an individual perspective . If people who got absolutely shitfaced accepted it with good grace .... hid the tell tale signs and were remorseful about the whole thing it would all seem not so bad !!
Bloke ... full of remorse having tried to disperse evidence !
Should the Government want a complete cover up on any other important social issues thecast of 1013goesforth are more than happy to provide a meaningless report , at great public expense , which tells you F**k all important . Quangos move over !!!
My thanks to Lightningboy@liverfailure.com for expert help !
regards
Shaun
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I'm sure that's my daughter in the flowery pink PJs, I recognise the position!!
Linda x
http://journals.aol.co.uk/lindaggeorge/GeorgeMansions/ -
Hey, where did you get those photo's of Jill from??????
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Well done Pam ..... clearly you spotted you were becoming inebriated and decided to drink your way through it ... To be able to reach capacity before contentment is a reflection on your efforts that nite ... A+
regards
Shaun -
Loved comment number 1. I have many, many, many stories of a rather drunken me being very, very, very drunk! No way could I hurriedly think of the worst. The only one that I think could get 1st place would be drinking white Jack Daniels at a JD promotion night (shuddering at the memory) For every 3 jd's you got a voucher for a wee free nip and a free glass to take home. End Result: I groped a steward, Told my boss what I thought of her, On being ejected I shoved a door against a very big burly bad man who Is In charge of many, many stewards!, Threw a roadsign across an alley, fell out the taxi with my carrier bag full of jd glasses!!! All Intact I may add, and ate a fish supper before 11.30pm. All alledgedly of course. My friend who came out with me ,for our first night out In a year to celebrate her birthday!!, has a tendency to tamper with the truth!! ;-) Love Pam xx
09/05/08 21:13
Jaynee X