Ten thirteen goes forth

17:57:23 o'clock BST
Feeling Depressed
Hearing Seasons in Sun ... Terry Jacks

Jayne .... this is for you !! This was student summer ball in Christchurch College Canterbury . Within 6 months of this photo being public I was a stunt double on brookside...  Guess the year ... Tracey Morris is exempt from this !!

I was also much skinnier then than the healthy "more rounded " individual I am today

And my facial hair never looks gay !!!

 

Dress sense ... maybe I will get it one day !!

 

regards

Shaun .....

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

14:25:13 o'clock BST
Feeling Triumphant
Hearing  Spartan Slaughtering music

I am at the moment engaged in a war of mythical proportion with my former mate Kevin (I have a womans moustach !) Benson, who rides around weymouth on a childs motorcycle ! The whole thing is facebook orientated which is about the most poo thing I do with my time ! Myself , Kevin and The lightening boy (African Sunset ... not ginger) On a recent night out .... God I wish I was capable of laughter and looking happy !

basically Kevin found  bad picture of me and has apparently entered it in some gay moustache wearers club sort of thing ... the bastard !! Little does he know I have a couple of hundred hard mates on the way to give him a kicking as we speak !!

Any way I totally digress ... the weekend to date has been an unqualified success starting with my class last thing on Friday morning .. 14 gangsters all passed level 2 Food safety and on completion one said to me "have you had a good morning guv... ?" I have , I replied but this wasnt it ... we both had a laugh at that ! I do like intelligent gangstas .. One of my colleagues left for a new job in the week and got a leaving card from one of the lads which was quite touching . It concluded that " When I get out of here we can meet up smoke some weed then go and get some "Crack Ho's !!" How romantic !

Speaking of romantic .. I discovered how best to keep women eternally happy and sweet ... I might need to patent this !! Worked on Caroline!!

Also on Friday night went out to see a band .. the lead singer who did look a little like Boudica on Acid ran around the bar handing out plastic eggs with rice in them for us to shake to get into rythym .. she was a bit scary so we listened ... Rocky .. being Rocky and probably wondering if she was in any way needy of course surpassed himself and created a little shake dance . Sadly he was unaware of the presence of my camera and so here it comes ... live on this blog a facial of the Rockmeister doing something really silly !

There was the little matter on Saturday ofbuying a boat ... lightening and I had decided that there is great wealth to be plundered in Weymouth and so we have set up a Pirate community on Portland and aquired a boat .... it is 16ft long and called the "Saucy Trout!" ... We thought it would be cool to write on the back  Reg In Panama !! dont ask why as it is a middle aged man sort of thing !!

We are looking to get the trout shipshape prior to the olympics and then charging rich tourists an arm and a leg to come aboard to watch the olympic sailing ... may even have a shoal of trout by then .... please check out www.legalisedpiracyofrichgullibletourists.com  (if you are a complete muppet ...) Some will try !!

Finished off with another of Carolines forced marches over the cliffs around portland .. I reckon she used to be a PTI in the SAS or something ... Saying that when we do go the scenary is special on the jurrasic coast ,,, yes Beckie .. I do fit in well !! lol ...

Primative life on the Jurassic coast !!

Late on saturday I was out with Mr and Mrs Lightening when a rather large and really quite drunk lady approached lightening (in front of his wife) and said "Ooooh your still very ansome!!!" She then informed us that when lightening was in the Navy she had approached him and asked for a dance only to be rebuffed quite strongly with derisory comments on her size and looks ... Baaaard Lightening !!  However a week later she had found lightening alone and the worse for wear in a bar and he had actually said to her "I am alone and no one will dance with me ... will you ?" ... Fantastic stuff ....spent next three hours teasing him ... be sure your sins will find you out !! I also discovered that during his matelot dancing days that Lightening actually possesed a pair of "tucker boots ... " Hilarious stuff !!

regards

Shaun  (sinless and blame free!!)

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 4 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

00:18:55 o'clock BST
Feeling Exhausted
Hearing Stargazer .. Rainbow

Have had such a good weekend and done a variety of really good fun things . Went out in Weymouth on Friday as one of the lads was leaving so we spent the night getting all cultured up before dispersing to the various bars. Myself , Lightening and the girlies ended up in a bar containing several women from London who were all of the fuller figure , clad in cowboy gear , very cultural and excellent fun . At one stage the "WeatherGirls" version of "its raining men was played and it brought back memories of the same song being played in a little taverna in Crete and a little high jinks with my good mate Paddy Mcandrew ... guitar god of manchester . As proper brit tourists we managed to get up on top of the taverna roof and as the chorus its raining men kicked in we both jumped off the roof and on to the dance floor with a bit of a splat .... hilarious at the time but probably a visual thing !!

On Saturday it was decided that walking and a day of health was the order of the day so we walked the oastal path around to Portland Bill

Caroline ... doing her best impression of Xena !! Jurrasic coastline behind . As we walked over the cliff tops we could see the fast rib boats racing through the currents

And then from no where a little face appeared at the cliff edge ... I would not be confident trying this lark !!

We walked about 5 miles in total and I would reccemend this area to any bird spotters or sea conoeists as some of the views are terrific.

Sadly the good health campaign could not last forever so it was into the "Lobster Pot" for coffee and scones before going back for a swim and a steam .

On Sunday I played cricket for the Portland Pirates at motcombe and a fantastic day it was . Pirates have never won a game before but we did today . Bit sad really as we no longer have our Holy Grail to aim for . I didnt bat in the sunglasses !! lol It was fantastic to catch up with the old gang although I did feel a bit sneaky at pointing out to our bowlers that Peteda gangsta is not keen on a fast ball whipped in at his toes whilst the best field to catch the brushmeister is a strong leg side one !! Hell we needed the win more than they did . I was actually dismissed by ny good friend the waggy boy ... see Bye Bye Birseye for details. I had four options ... 1) Tell the world he threw sand in my face and I was blinded as he bowled . 2) I felt sorry for the sickly kid with brittle bones 3) I was paid and did it on purpose ... sadly 4) and the truth The waggy boy got the better of me .. I missed and he hit !!  (the shit !!)

I had a beer with the lads and came home early to Portland . As it is only 00.15 at the moment I bet my fellow pirates are still in some hostel somewhere in Dorset ,

Happy days

Shaun

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

16:19:43 o'clock BST
Feeling Pleased
Hearing jimmy the hoover .... remember them !!

It has been a good weekend !! Friday was a shutdown in work (No students ...pure admin time!!) so I managed to sort out my work and certification. Always nice to realise you are ahead of the game. I also finished the last bit of my PGCE and managed to get it submitted so was v pleased to have it behind me .

Met up with caroline fairly early on Friday and went into Weymouth for a night .. had dinner at Que pasa and went and had a few drinks around the old harbour. Found some karaoke and managed to embarrass all that knew me with renditions of Delilah and Crazy little thing called love .... A scottish bloke was in there singing too ... he was very drunk and suggested that he and I got together and fought all the sassenachs !! This didnt seem like the way forward so I left him to it ! I had visions of him stood on the bar with a face painted saltire doing the Mel Gibson "freedom" chant .... the knob !!

From there we got on to the last bus back to Portland ... never done this before and it was a true cultural delight . We were sitting upstairs and the bus filled very quickly with binge drinking youngsters . As the bus made its way to Portland the youngsters were running from side to side on the bus flashing their naked arses at everyone we passed . The girls were a lot more respectful and simply flashed their boobs at people . caroline and I declined the chance to join in but I did at one stage join in some raucous singing but a pitying look soon stopped me .

Before I get all high and mighty about the antics of the youth of today I recall I sometimes do remarkably childish things myself after the consumption of alcohol. During my student days our college rugby team was joined by a bloke called mark who was also an American football player . He was a former hells angel and had all the appropriate tattoos . I have never met such a boring and obnoxious man as him. He was 10 yrs older than the rest of us and was training to be a Religous Studies teacher which is a bit of a contrast to life as an  angel !!. Myself and my two mates Nick Huizar and Si Hopkins decided to sort him out at the rugby club end of season piss up . We took £2 per head from our colleagues and made up some awards to be presented at the bash . Each prize was a pint of  O.W.D Tom .... one of these fuel type beers which had to be blocked in one . Funnily enough mark won all the awards and had to drink lots of the bloody muck , but it was Nick who surpassed himself by lacing each drink with a chloroform based medicine . By nine Mark was unconcious and out came the Bic razor to redefine his hair and eyebrows. By the time Nick was through Mark didnt have a hair on his head which probably didnt help him the next day in his interview for a teaching job.

Before anyone points out the danger of this ... I know .. we could have killed him but hey ... we were young and stupid !! This is a shot of TULIP our band in college Si Hopkin is in yellow T shirt and Nick Huizar is passing me the cider bottle ... mid song probably !! 1986 !! The fraggle with the tambourine was simply known as hippie ... he is now a manager for Tesco !!

I taught privately on Sat morning and spent the afternoon on a Dorset beach ... when I got in I found out that had just landed a big contract for food hygiene delivery ... happy days !!

On saturday evening I got an E mail to confirm that my last piece of PGCE had passed and within seconds of opening the E mail I had been invited out by the lightening boy . Some quiet beers and home. Today am about to go swimming then taking mother out for dinner .. all things considered a pretty good weekend

Regards from Portland

Shaun

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 4 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

00:24:52 o'clock BST
Feeling Enlightened
Hearing Jumping Jimmy Thunder ..ledgend of wessex !!

Firstly I would like to say congratulations to the shitehawks that live on the flat roof above my bedroom on the successful hatching of three new noisy and obnoxious gladstones . I now hear eee eee eee as well as the usual shitehawk noises . Oi ... passing cats ... they are up here !!!

My cottage is the blue one and the little fluffy lump to the right of the shitehawk is a gladstone . Hurry up .. grow up and bugger off you noisy sods ... guess this means I will not be getting Bill Oddies job . had a funny thought ... wondered if Rockys rhythmic hammering at night actually disturbs the shitehawks ... I do hope so !!

have had confirmation through that my last University assignment has passed and so have been invited up to Bath Spa  University to graduate on 18th July ... to be honest I am not even remotely interested in honouring the academic spirit , dressing up as batman and receiving my PGCE .... however ..... back in 86 ... yes I really am that old when I got my first degree I could not be arsed to go to Canterbury cathedral and graduate . I was too stupid and immature to realise thst it was not for me and was actually a day for my parents as they were the ones who had struggled to get me there . This time around have booked tickets for my mother and will stop off somewhere on way back and generally give her a good day . Also have decided that If I have to don the bat cape I might just as well put a Fathers for Justice badge on the back .... just a thought !!

Have currently got "Love Actually" on Tv and had a memory of the first time around when I saw it ... had not long been seperated and obviously you do not go and watch a chickflick on your own so I borrowed my good mate Pete da gangstas auntie and went with her ... and excellent company she was . Am just watching the part where Colin Firth manages to part company with the love of his life and recall standing up in the cinema and shouting "Go after her you fool !!" happy days !!

had a fantastic Sunday as played cricket for the legendary Portland Pirates at Ellingham in the New Forest .. a truly beautiful setting. Stopped off on the way at the Fish Inn at Ringwood a lovely pub on the banks of the Avon ... great meal and lovely views .

From there we went on to the game and as is our style could not even manage to win the toss . Now most cricket teams do not warm up for the game in the style of the pirates ... ie drinking six pints of cider and then having a big dinner . In fact the only way we warm up is to sometimes sit on the radiator before starting . Most of our players are so unfit that they are in a sweat walking to the middle and several take aspirin before we start to try and assist the paramedics should they have a coronary whilst playing .

The pirates meekly capitulate against Ellingham . I actually started very well and had 25 to my name with only 7 scoring shots as I hit 6 fours rather than run ... sadly at this point I started to believe in my own ego and that was the end of that .. We lost to a decent bunch of lads and had a good afternoon with them ... truth be said one of them was actually a girlie and she managed to dismiss 5 pirates ... needless to say there were some savage fines administered for that . I was actually fined for the offence of flattering to deceive .... a fair cop really .

regards

Shaun

 

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

22:08:08 o'clock BST
Feeling Cynical
Hearing too exited to play music ... just seen list of new Moods to play with !

This wins me an "I told you so !"bet ... It shows L - R Crippen , Me, Shrek, Deano,Brucey , Ninja and half pint after a door job . Now how safe do you feel !!

Ok time to pass judgement on a newspaper article I read today which told me that half of school teachers have no relevant degree and that there is a total shortage of Maths teachers . I have a PGCE and an Adult Numeracy specialist qualification so if there truly is a shortage I am free and available as I would like the teachers salary and time off !! The article is in todays daily express .. page 4 and also states that the government want to make teaching a masters level profession . This leads me to ask two questions .... 1) will teachers then get a masters level salary ? Secondly if teachers have to be at masters Level then surely those that send our soldiers to war , make economic policy and claim enormous financial benefits (that is you by the way MPs !!) should all be PhDs or Professors.  The former Deputy Prime minister was one hell of a smart cookie !! The fact is that the government have created huge dumbing down machines like the LSC that reward large unskilled education bodies that fail whilst ignoring smaller but more skilled training companies. There is plenty of money in Education which is unfortunatly being syphoned off by clip boad management , corrupt contracting and nepotism . In our place of work we concentrate on key and wider key skills and are visited by consultants who say all the right spin and buzz words without actually saying anything at all . they tell us that low level qualifications in citizenship and communicating openly will help disaffected youths return to the workplace and make them employable . Absolute tripe but it keeps them well paid !! ...... If you are .. or know a teacher ask them .....

Ok well this is a short rant as those two irritating women Trinny and Susannah have finally finished on TV and my spleen is truly vented ... time for some proper TV ..... Wesley Snipes .."Blade" far more plausible !!

Bah  bloody Humbug !

regards

Shaun

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 7 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

23:10:24 o'clock BST
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing Bachman Turner Overdrive

Like the man who tries to run from his past mine turned up and bit me on the arse , pocket and liver on saturday morning as two of my great mates , Pete da Gangsta and the Brushmeister visited Portland for a day and night of limited culture . Both lads were looking forward to drinking kidney shrinking levels of beer , taunting some fighting lesbians and enjoying a concert from a urine soaked entertainer . However our first task was to get down to the Chesil beach and cause some serious depletion to local fish stocks .

The big strategic mistake I made when selecting our "Killing Fields" for fish was to stop adjacent to the beach pub . We set up our rod and lobbed some dead attractive looking lures to the fish ... I have never gone fishing on this coast before and failed to catch but clearly this was going to be that day . Brush was the caster extraordinairre one of his casts actually missed the sea as it went straight up in the air causing gangsta and I to run for cover . basically we ended up throwing all my hooks and weights into the sea and going to the pub instead .... As Brush remarked later ... we did kill a few fish .. the ammount of lead we lobbed into the sea must get a few of the bastards . (in time)The only thing we did well was lob the fine pebbles that make up Chesil beach at each other . This is what happens when professional men get bored !!

A spokesfish for mackerel described us as hopeless clueless bastards !!

From there it was the usual Portland activities of eating .... I could not eat the heads of whitebait and was roundly abused by my colleagues and even referred to as a chutney ferret ... not a nice thing

From the cove ... fine meal .. to the Encyclopedia ... fine Guiness.. finally to our destination .. The "Hellmouth" aka Satans portal to earth where every night is halloweeen . Lots of alcohol served by the biactol kid behind the bar and a chance to watch Munster vs Toulouse ... not a great game but the beer was good . Sadly only one fighting lesbian turned up so no fighting as she was not a self harmer . Gangsta did comment on the rather aggressive skin tone on display but I managed to explain that the particular lady had just left the fish shop where she had been "Bobbing" for chips!!

gangsta and brush entering the "Hellmouth"

Gangsta is a hard drinking man who can cope with alcohol really well . Here he is having just sniffed a barmaids apron . At this time Brush and I were probably doing something manly!!

From here back home for a quick dinner and straight back on the lash ( No S&M reference intended) Back to Mars (Pub with 70s decor) for some organic hop beer whilst eating lentils and wearing arrans with the rest of the grateful dead clone clientele . From there we took in Gods waiting room (Legion) Whils in the legion we happened to notice that the guest ale would indeed be appropriate to the talking fox !!

 

It is now been firmly established that the Brushmeister is not fond of the taste of a frothy headed Foxes Knob !! Back to the Encyclopedia (more Guiness and then we thought drink sensibly so we set off for home .

As we walked back past Mars , Tina the barmaid shouted knightcap lads ?? Our ability to drink sensibly went into melt down and we drank more stuff !! Back home and The lads went upstairs to their rather cosy double bed complete with plastic woman .. A thoroughly enjoyable night of culture !!

To conclude a little hint to men everywhere on how to get your woman to dutch oven herself next time you uncork a bottom genie in the bedroom . You need to reply on the self defence mechanism all women have when threatened with attack from above .

1) Produce a silent but deadly guiness and kebab induced botty genie (nb !! do not follow thru and papper your own bed !!)

2) Shout watch out pet to your innocent and trusting partner before pretending to spit twice in the air .

3) In the style of the 300 Spartans avoiding arrows she will dive under the quilt for protection . As this is of her own free will I do not think that a divorce solicitor can count this against you ..... awaiting a test case !!

4) She breaths a sigh of relief before realizing she has been had by your superior intellect , surfacing and saying "Nice one lover ... got me there!!)

Alternative 4) She breathes sigh of relief , gags , Knees you in nuts and calls you a filthy bastard !!

Try it guys and give me your feedback .... My thanks to the "Lightening Boy" Northern man of culture for this handy tip .

regards

Shaun

 

 

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

20:12:00 o'clock BST
Feeling Mischievous
Hearing deliverance

Have had the chance to have a little leisure time this week so been walking up in Mid Wales and also along the Pembroke coast. Have not walked in Pembrokeshire for many years and was hoping to see dolphins , puffins and seals . Failed on all counts but did see a slow worm .... scant consolation .

Started in Builth Wells and did a good walk alomg the river Wye .. plenty to see including loads of fish and a cracking heron .

From Builth I drove down to Tenby in South Pembroke and had a really good day including a visit to Caldy Island . managed to take a picture of a cracking view !!

The day itself was brill and it was still 28.5 oC at 18.40 when I came off the beach . An outstanding site was the slobby chav couple playing with each others bits in front of their own children . Whilst I am in favour of displays of affection this was was pretty gross !! From Tenby I drove to Pembroke and spent the night at the Tregenna guest house ... bloody magic and well recommended . Went into Pembroke for a bite to eat and ended up in a pub that was well rough . I was even scared of the baseball cap wearing and heavily tattood barmaid ... I think it was called the "Dockers Fist ... From there I went into the baaarrdest kebab shop ever... I had a super chilli kebab which was gross ...the bins were overflowing and open .. this was in the eating area . As bad as this was the next pub was a lot better walked into the bar everyone turned and looked ( American werewolf in London style) and someone said "Fuck me we got tourists!" Next thing out came a tray of rolls ... "have a roll tourist !!" These lads were brill so stayed for a lock in and ended up going home in a taxi .

Spent next day in North Pembroke ... went to St Davids which is very pretty and also visited Solva and did walk over the cliffs truly fantastic ..

From Solva went further north and walked to the Blue Pool , a former slate quarry that has become a sea inlet ,,, managed a nice picture

Now it dawned on me whilst I was out doing all these rugged and manly adventures that this could be my new career . Bare Grylls is a yank with a crap name who has been exposed as a fraud !! Ray Mears can eat all kinds of natural shite but could he eat a foul super chilli kebab or drink 16 pints of old paraquat cider in the "Hellmouth"  I think not . I also doubt if he could cope with a night out with Rocky the adulterous shitehawk either !Therefore I have decided to stop modelling for builders wives and am looking for a career in Survial Psycopath weekly ... note I already have the checked shirt (pink)

Regards

Shaun

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

14:14:29 o'clock BST
Feeling Mischievous
Hearing Spongebob square pants

Glittering prizes and endless compromises , shatter the illusion of integrity !! (Lee , Peart and Lifeson)  Now why the hell did I write that ... I do agree that it is important sometimes when you hear something you sould write it down . ... I will return to this theme later .

Many thanks to those who commented re the drinking blogg .... Lets face it .. at some stage of our lives we have all got absolutely minging ... why even the lightening boy sometimes loses his cool persona !!

Now I have to prepare Portland for the arrival of two of the leafy villages greatest social legends ..... The Brushmeister and the Gangsta .... a rabid turf war could be on the cards . I decided to go out last night and perform some sort of reconnaisance mission prior to the lads arrival and took Rocky the wayward willy wandering shitehawk with me . The Rock does actually need a competent secretary as all he gets is non stop phone calls from the bloody needies ... they all know that to him fidelity is how irish folk bands play but all swear him undying love ... bloody sad to see ...

We checked out the "Hellmouth" and the spawn of satan and fighting lesbians were all on good form so that is on the agenda and from there we went to "Gods Waiting room" aka the legion .... As we were about to enter ... I am a member as I did carry a shooter for the queen it dawned on me that my shirt was a little offensive and so out of respect we didnt go in . NB .. carrying a shooter to merk utes or to lick down shotters does not get u a membership .... you get me ?? I was once told that in Eastbourne ... "Next" is a funeral parlour .

From there we crossed to the pub described by the Rock as the "tree hugging sandal wearing gay liberal arms "  After putting on our arrans and growing bushy beards (dress code) we had a pint of organic beer made from sustainable hops and a lentil kebab before running away from the sounds of a folk band !! Rocks language was most unpleasant . The smell was rather like what i encountered at Greenham common .... Yes I went there too ! Funnily enough I went to Greenham Common in my first week as I joined all the other harbingers of death in escorting a cruise missile there . My job was to control one of the roundabouts on the A303 and to ensure that the charliewhiskeys (Cruisewatch peace women ) did not halt the convoy . I was ably assisted by PC170 Rob (Pondlife) Smith . After about 5 mins a rather ropy looking 2CV turned up and out jumped two middle aged ever so nicely spoken peace women . Seeing as I am about a foot taller than Rob they approach me and start singing at me ... "I am a victim of your violence ..you have my blood on your hands " .... My initial thought was not PC but I had only left training school 4 days ago so didnt really know what to do ... At this point a Wiltshire Police motorcyclist arrived to check our welfare . he noted the middle class women in disguise and their chanting and also noted that where we were stood was on the top of a steep bank .  A decision was made and he simply propelled the louder peace woman down the bank on the end of his boot ! Rob and I were mortified (and relieved... never said anything about practical policing like that at training school!!) ..

the quieter peace woman leapt forward ..."Cordelia may be injured ... luckily I am a first aider !!"  Our abrasive colleague simply shrugged his shoulders and kicked her down the bank too !! he got back on his bike and took off .... Our personnel carrier turned up .. I looked at Rob ... "This never happened ?" ..... "Agreed" Anyway i digress !!

Getting back to the reccy mission the Rock and I decided to check out "Fight Club" another local hostelry or hostility depending on who is in .... After an hour or so of listening to the excellent "North and South" well worth seeing if your in Weymouth I went into the toilet . I noted that the fight club mentality was alive and well last night ... as are small brains and cretin level english ... Nearly fell into the urinal !!

Happy days

Shaun

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

20:04:07 o'clock BST
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing Milli Vanilli unplugged and accapello

As I have frequently referred to .. Drinking is not always big or clever ... sometimes it can be bloody stupid . Whilst I agree with "The Lightening Boy" a true god of consumption that most of lifes issues can be resolved by "flushing them through with cider" It does not always provide the best results . Therefore we have 1013s guide to sensible drinking and it is for women too !!!

My first real "drink is not terrific for you" incident took place as a baby copper in Salisbury . I came across one of the local celebrity idiots ... face down on a wet street , arse sticking up in the air and head jammed in a KFC bargain bucket . Conversation went like this .

1013 .... "dan ... what are you doing ?

    Reply .... "looking for the lord our god!"                                                                     

 1013 .... "He 's at Burger king ... your nicked !!"

Now women tend to get quite tetchy and give blokes a bad time about getting blootered and how irresponsible this can be . I did consult the lightening boy who admitted that to many weak men this could be a problem ... He assured me that a strong and proper (northern) man would almost certainly be able to drink through such adversity ! Women also like to remind men that they are multi functional as well as being sensible about their drinking . See below ... the sensible drinking lady can not be bothered to take the call that the sensibly drinking receptionist is trying to pass through ..

Now an educated friend of mine sent me an interesting statistic recently . in the year 2008 eight brits had managed to fracture their skulls with over enthusiastic follow through whilst chundering . Personally I feel this is low and as a nation we should try harder . I did a little research on this and .... would you believe it , managed to find another lady risking skull fracture !

This is a rather difficult position to assume ... I tried and am now awaiting hip replacement . The choice of trousers is inspired in that they will surely conceal any of those little "tell - tale" vomit stains !

Before any girlies get a bit tetchy I must point out that when drinking men can also be a little silly and play jolly little games . I have friends who are very fond of eating the rare and crunchy ,breath freshening hard boiled sweets that people keep dropping in toilets . Never a good move guys ... some of those sweets can actually make your cider go blue !!

A sensibly drinking bloke "bobbing " for toilet sweets !

In a final and somewhat fickle attempt to gain some sort of equality / diversity award in the cynical blog sector I also need to show that gay bikers on tour in berlin also need to respect alcohol . Here lies one of SW Londons finest up and coming business men having had a little too much "Biere blonde" ... Murf ... a top man on tour !!

My good mate Pete da Gangsta has an inbuilt knowledge of when to stop drinking Stella Beatois . Pete says he should always stop when it starts coming out of his ears . Sound advice mate . Ronan is equally sensible ... actually no he isnt he likes drinking water between babychams !

So the 1013 enquiry commitee has come up with the following recomendations.

Apart from fatal accidents , low productivity , increased sickness , domestic violence, violent assault  and teenage pregnancy there are no real issues around heavy drinking . The only issue would seem to be to deal with the whole thing better from an individual perspective . If people who got absolutely shitfaced accepted it with good grace .... hid the tell tale signs and were remorseful about the whole thing it would all seem not so bad !!

Bloke ... full of remorse having tried to disperse evidence !

Should the Government want a complete cover up on any other important social issues thecast of 1013goesforth are more than happy to provide a meaningless report , at great public expense , which tells you F**k all important .  Quangos move over !!!

My thanks to Lightningboy@liverfailure.com for expert help !

regards

Shaun

Written by shauntanner Link to this entry | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 6 comments: Show Recent | Add your own