Jokes off the seawall

22:18:17 o'clock BST

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words....
A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

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22:01:11 o'clock GMT with thanks to Dawn [adlessor] for this and the previous funny.



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15:29:25 o'clock GMT A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.
'Damn!' says the little old lady .'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?
'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell:"$20 or off it comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?''Well,' says the little old lady, 'not all of them pay.'

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12:07:35 o'clock GMT Guy goes on a fishing trip. While loading up his boat he sees another fisherman walk up the bank with a stringer of fish. After much pleading as to the secret of his success the angler told him he was a doctor. His specialty left a nice supply of infected tonsils which seemed to work well for fish bait. Soon another man appeared with a stringer of bigger fish. The poor guy has to know and soon finds out it is another doctor who specializes in appendectomies leaving a supply of bait. Just as the guy is ready to leave he spots another angler with a bigger stringer of huge fish. When he asked the man what kind of doctor he was he replied "Doctor? I'm no doctor I'm a Rabbi"..

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21:03:00 o'clock GMT For those with plenty experience of being 21 ;-)

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.

 

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'

and we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,    

When we remember our favorite things.

 

When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had and then I don't feel so bad.

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22:58:27 o'clock GMT

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18:34:35 o'clock GMT The image shows a Highland Games event, called tossing the caber. You try to lift and throw a long piece of timber as far as you can.


The world's largest Christmas tree has been recycled.
It was turned into the world's largest caber.
It was sent to President Bush, the world's biggest tosser.


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17:56:53 o'clock GMT During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, ‘How Do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.'


'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to Empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
Bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

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22:39:12 o'clock GMT A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible le for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human ,it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

 

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

 

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

 

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

 

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, she's dead."

 

 

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run in to it, and I would turn red in the face."

 

"Yes," the class said.

 

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

 

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

 

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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23:48:23 o'clock GMT
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.


EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!


ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.


DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "


BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.


ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.


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