Life, the Universe and Everything

Heathrow’s Terminal 5 opened to fanfares and exaltations of its modern automated systems to speed up the check-in process for passengers. The actual scenario was a debacle of lost luggage, flight cancellations and massive throngs of stranded passengers. The most surprising fact about this news story is that anybody was actually surprised that the opening was followed by chaos.

This is a country that launched the unsinkable Titanic, has a rail network where it is considered acceptable to replace the trains with buses yet still charge the full fare and celebrated the millennium with the Dome and a bridge across the Thames that had had to be closed two days after it was opened - incidentally, two months late - because it wobbled making people feel sick and lose their balance. With just over four years to go until the start of the London Olympics we have been informed that the building work is ahead of schedule although the budget has risen considerably - is there anybody out there willing to make a prediction as to the final outcome on this one? The high speed rail link for the Channel Tunnel was finally completed and fully opened last year: a mere thirteen years after trains first took passengers through the tunnel.

I do not wish to come across as a cynic that suggests that we are useless in this country, but when we do make a pig’s ear of things, we do take the time and effort to ensure that it is the biggest of cock-ups that we could possibly make. Does anybody remember that day that the London Stock Exchange became computerised or the introduction of the tilting Advanced Passenger Train? I will give you one guess what the aftermath of those two events was.

Cast your mind back to the glory days of British Leyland. I will concede that this company - or rather, collection of companies - was responsible for the original Mini (that nasty little modern German thing does not count) and the MGB; but it also gave us the Austin Allegro: a car that was more aerodynamic going backwards. The Allegro came with a square steering wheel so as to - according to the promotional material - make entering and exiting the car easier. In other words, Austin designed and then built a car that it was difficult to get into and out of!

I do not necessarily believe we should be deeply embarrassed and ashamed of these truly heroic failures - we should not be proud of them either - but neither should we be surprised when the next one inevitably comes along: let us just hope it is not the summer of 2012 that we decide to show the rest of the world our talent for ineptitude on such a grand scale.