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07:06:00 o'clock BST
What makes a Happy Marriage
I've been sitting here this morning and pondering on what makes a happy marriage a happy marriage. This marriage of mine is the third marriage for each Todd and I, both having failed at it twice before. Some would say the "Third" time's the charm and I would have to agree.
Growing up, I didn't really have a good example of a marriage to look at and learn from when I considered my parents. Yes, my mother was devoted to my father, and I believe I learned my desire to please and my ability to to care for someone from her. My dad was not a very good husband. He had never learned the art of selflessness and he had somewhat of a roving eye. My mother was a saint in putting up with and making excuses for all the things she had to turn a blind eye to through all the years, but she always did it wearing the mantle of a martyr. In short...the marriage was not a happy one...and so as children we didn't learn what a strong and happy marriage should be or could be.
I married, the first time, at the tender age of 19. I couldn't wait to be married and I had the beautiful white wedding of my dreams. I remember the day of the wedding ceremony my father took me to the church several hours before the wedding. I had lots of relatives visiting from out of town and he was afraid that because he was responsible for getting them all to the church he might be late getting me there...so he had me there early. I had several hours to sit and ponder on the step I was taking. The night before, my girlfriends and I had gone to a local disco, and I had had the time of my life, dancing with lots of guys and partying. That was something I had never experienced in my very short adult life and I had ENJOYED it! There was a big part of me that wanted to walk out of that church that day.....but there was a bigger part of me that didn't want to let down my parents, his parents, HIM, all the relatives...the guests....I remember thinking it was just those last minute jitters you hear about. In truth, we were both too young and got married for all the wrong reasons...I got married because I'd been brought up to think that that was what you did. As a girl, you finished high school and then got a token education to keep you in employment until a man came along that would be able to keep you for the rest of your life. He got married because his father was dying from leukemia and he wanted his father to see him settled before he left this plain of existance. In short...two wrong reasons....bad marriage....no strength to go the distance.
I got married again at the age of 21 to a man that had been my highschool sweetheart and my parent's paper boy. I had known him since the age of 10 and he really was the great love of my life. We were happy for many years, but in truth, when I look back at it now that relationship was based largely on great physical attraction. In truth, we had nothing in common. We shared none of the same interests or loves, except for our children. He was very controlling and mentally and verbally abusive. I saw myself slowly dissappearing through the long years and being replaced with a woman who truly wasn't me. It took a very long time for me to see that and it was a very hard, painful process coming out of it all. A lot of people ended up being hurt and I lost everything I had ...including my children...but that's another story. I found myself going from living in a big house full of noise to living in a rented bedroom in a single girl's house, very serene and quiet, except on Friday nights...but I was too old by then to play the single girl's life. I did find, however, that I was happier than I had been in many years and that fact, in itself, told a huge story.
I did not want to be alone for the rest of my life though and so I wanted to find a new partner once I had healed and figured out why I had failed myself those two earlier times. It was really important to me that I found a partner in life that I was able to share most of the things in my life that were really important to me with. It didn't really matter to me anymore that the man be handsome, or that we had great sex....(yes, the sex word) what really mattered was that he loved the smell of flowers and going for long walks on sunny afternoons...that he shared the same ideology and faith that I did... that he saw God in the same way...that he had a great sense of humour....and was kind and loyal and faithful....He had to like animals and history and above all he had to be hardworking, honest and true. Being sexy and handsome was just the icing on the cake...but it wasn't the cake. I was really lucky to find him and I find that this third marriage of mine TRULY is the charm....this was the one I was meant to have all those years ago, but was too much in a hurry or too blinded by youthful lusts to look for.
I find myself sometimes regretting that I wasted having my family with someone who didn't deserve it. I truly would have loved to have had a family with this special man I find myself now married to and I know he feels the same way about me. Unfortunately , neither one of us is rich enough or famous enough to be able to go to another country and buy a baby, and we both had ourselves sterilized years ago to fit the desires of our then partners...so we will never be able to have a child of our own. I see other couples and their children together and my heart aches for what we could have had and now miss. But....life is too short for regrets..and it is perhaps through and because of the pain we both experienced twice before..that we have come to the point where we are both finally able to be a good husband and wife now, and, thankfully, experience a Happy Marriage at last...we could spend the rest of our lives thinking what if's and why not's...but instead I think we'll just spend it saying Thank God....
Written by mariealicejoan Blog about this entry |
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Count yourself lucky. Judging by the tone of these journals it's a rare thing to be happily married. By the way, I don't which of the two pictures I enjoyed more (oh, who am I kidding?) ;)
Fred
http://journals.aol.com/ravenjuiced/those-eyes-that-the-che rubim-dre/ -
Oh Marie, what a poignant revelation that many of us can relate to in our own lives. There's a country western song out in the USA entitled, "God Bless the Broken Road That Led Me Straight to You". I think it says it all. That end picture is too funny!
Susie -
Whether you are married or not ,(we'are not ,our choice) a good relationship with all the shared interests as you mention is a treasure and so precious ,its a shame you have to live through bad stuff to realise and appreciate it ,.,.,Jan xx
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Wow, my husband and I are both "third timers", and it is the best! Don't you find you just wish for everyone, the happiness that is found when you have got it right? Reading your journal, I must say, our stories are very similar! Gem xx
19/10/06 02:07