Life And All That It Entails

so sorry!

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 15:53:49 GMT

Oh wow. It's been months and months and months since last we spoke. I am so sorry to anyone who enjoyed this blog, or was waiting on another update. I guess it just takes a comment from a kind welsh person to get me of my lazy backside lol [thanks, by the way, Noel (I think his name was Noel, but my memory is Bad)]

So anyway. What has dear Murray been doing these past ten or so months? A lot. lol. The whole Kyle fiasco is sort of over. He doesn't want me and I can deal with it, but we're quite good friends now. Started third year a few months ago, which is great because I get to do Spanish now =D I've got kind of a big group of friends now, still painfully shy though, and my social life is pretty much dead.

Went to Paris in July. My first time on a plane, I was well scared likes! lol But Paris was soo amazing. I developed a love for languages, just now I'm studying Icelandic in my spare time, Spanish at school and in a few years I'll start German and pick up French from where I left off.

Also. I dyed my hair successfully for the first time ever! I was supposed to be bittersweet chocolate which sounds unbelievably sexy lol, but it turned out more like black. I'm thinking I'll keep it this colour till next summer, then I'll dye it this nice red colour that Shwartskopff does.

Uh. Thats about it really. I'll post if I think of anything else of interest. Still no boyfriend, unfortunately lol.

¡Hasta luego!

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 21:45:27 GMT

I don't really know how I feel right now.. We put up the Christmas tree.. but it made me feel depressed instead of happy.. whats up with that? Now I have a sort of sick flutter in my stomach.. the feeling i get when talk to <3Kyle<3. It's strnage. I know how unhealthy this obsession is. I'll never be able to have a relationship with another guy if i don't get over him. But i don't want to. I'm going to be blunt but whatever. You say I'm attractive, just not to you and that i could be with someone [putting it a bit more pg 13 than you did, lol] but the problem is; I dont want anyone else. I want you. I don't care if i dont get anything for christmas, i don't care if i get beaten up at school, i don't care if everyone looks down on me, I would be happy if i had you, no matter what. You have no idea what i'd give up for one kiss. You have no idea.

-sigh- I suppose it doesn't matter. People learn to live with cancer, with diabetes. Why can't I learn to live with this? Is this fair? I don't know. I'm also haunted by religion. I want to believe in God. But i don't know if i can without proof. And isn't religion just setting myself up for homophobic believers telling me im not welcome? I can't handle anymore rejection.

Oh dear. T'would appear im in over my head.

I REALLY should not be allowed to think

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 21:11:52 GMT

Not much to say. I just feel kinda restless. It's that feeling; like I'm waiting for something, it irritaes me more than anything. Last night I had one of those moments I get. They usually come when I'm alone or vulnerable. It's like I suddenly realise that this is all real; life's not just some game. I WILL die some day, so will everyone I know, and it scares me that I dont know what comes after that. It's the worst feeling in the world and I would give almost anything to never feel that way again. It used to happen all the time when I was little, but as I grew up they became few and far between. But now that i've given up all beliefs it feels worse.

Last night I was thinking about when to 'come out' to my parents. Mostly just to get my mind off that horrible morbid pain. I was thinking, not before 14. I mean, there IS still a chance this is a phase. I've only technically been gay for like a year and three quarters. SO if I come out and then I turn straight itt'll be like all that bother for nothing, y'know? But then again, 14 is mebeh too young for me. I mean; worst case scenario they kick me out. Where do you go at 14? Slightly less dramatic than that, it changes the relationship forever. I'm extremely dependant on my parents and if they start treating me differently i dont know what I'd do. I'm a total 'mummy's boy', and my mother is at a higher risk of going into total freak out mode about it. -sigh- oh the trials of life. I tell you, I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought that life would be this complicated. And then there's my religious grand-parents. God, I don't know where they stand on the whole homosexuality 'issue' [-puke- that almost made me cry when that woman said that to the priest guy]. My gran on my mum's side should be okay with it. And then there's my brother. The typical straight guy. WHich means, when he finds out, he'll freak, then apologise, but always be awkward around me from then on. Should be pleasant, eh?

ah well. C'est la vie.

-sick-

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 18:00:22 GMT

-groan- head hurts. stomach hurts. feel sick, have to go to party. ugh.

i sat around all day watching tv and feeling sorry for myself. a real productive day.

i won't be at school tomorrow because 1. I still feel like major poop. and 2. in the words of my uber cool gran 'its just a half day'

lol. so.... how is everyone?

wow, this was short. ah well. bye

fear the pie!

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 16:49:24 GMT

hi, im murray and im an alcoholic. oops, wrong room -dodders off-

so, today was fun. i shouted at this random girl infront of me in the line at the shop "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" lmao! the look on her face, gawd im such a dork. finished ma box in CDT cus thats just the way it is.

i also inadvertently called nicola fat, lmao! she hit me, i was being sarcastic!

i'd like nothing more [well, thats not entirely true but who gives a treacle?] than to punch Craig Molloy right in his fat, squint, big nosed face. what a fucking bucket pisser-innner.

OMG! have any of you ever eaten cyprus delights? they are the fucking hippos boaby! i <3<3<3<3<3 them muchos! oh the sugary goodness, id walk to cyprus with nicola and aimee on my shoulders right now for another box of them. seriously!

im worried bout caroline. she's extremely unhappy, she's always been. she deserves more and it sucks hippo shit that she doesn't get it. everyone calls her a freak. i think shes unique. plah, <3 caroline.

on a somewhat lighter note, im getting better at keyboard. i can play tears in heaven [sorta] and the intro to hello [sorta] and the first bit of this thing called Prelude. i know its prolly not that big of an achievment and it prolly sounds a lot worse than i think it does, but who gives a treacle? im still proud.
xxx

agressive prostitutes! lmao!

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 20:52:54 GMT

lmao! i was watching the news and this womans all like, i'm scared of prostitutes, AGGRESIVE prostitutes!' lol! its not funny but i laughed for about half an hour anyway. lmao!

nicola got all excited cos matthew poked her [in the side you dirty people!] lol. she put flour on my face and i demanded she lick it off! lmao, miss anderson heard me, [i WAS joking, btw]

so anywho... i've got a few christmas pressies sorted out, now i have to decide what to ask my parents for. i want a full sized living dead doll, but i dunno whether to ask for Demonique or Mildread.. hmmm... any ideas, lol, you have no idea what i'm on about.

my hands are cold

weel, thats all she wrote. bubi
murray, fearing the aggresive prostitutes.
xx

it returns

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 20:51:05 GMT

i went out w/Melody for the first time today. Twas fun, we were trapped in LIDL lol. "i think you have to buy something to get out" "Wrinkle cream? no, i dont want wrinkle cream what are these? oh baby wipes!" lol.

School was vaguely eventful. Shelby was giving Melody shit so i told her off [lol], she was all 'you cannie tell meh what to say teh peepul' so i said more stuff and she said 'are yoo gay?' and i said 'yes' and they all swagger off laughing. cunts.

then lee was being a -deep breath- monkey fucking, attention seeking, cunt sucking, teacher bating, arsehole, holy mother of moses, moron of all morons. so i shouted at him so euan said 'shut it orr i'll start oan ye again!' what? you'll burst into tears and try to kill aimee with a stool? so i was pretty pissed off for some time.

it sucks. i can't talk to my parents about it, because most of the pain i feel has its source in my sexuality. i feel like shit. all the time but i smile and i laugh. people dont seem to understand that pain is an inward feeling. just because my cheeks are dry, it doesn't mean my heart isn't heavy with the burdon of life.

i could go on and on about my problems. i want to but you'l all get sick of me and i'll lose the only thing that's keeping me sane.

but i feel like i need to get it off my chest. i need validation, i need love.

okay, here goes. the biggest problem is the person i keep referring to as 'someone'. i know it's trivial. i know it's stupid and i know that i've most likely scared him off by talking about him so much. do i care? i don't know, i'm past recognising common emotions by now. i can't help how much this hurts. since nicola's already said it in her journal, i guess there's no point in denying how i feel. she was going to edit it out but i told her not to because i'm that screwed up. whether my thoughts are well-founded or not, it hurts so much, because there's nothing i can do about it.

and on top of that i've got the pain that i feel for no reason. doesn't it just call out 'wonderful life'?

ah well. please comment. i need validation, its an obsession and i'm not well if my obsessions aren't fed. what a pathetic arse i am.

drowning in a huge pile of meh

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 16:37:36 GMT

i've spent so much time complaining. i'll shut up and be nice and not bitchy no more.

erm.. today was ok-ish. english was fun, mrs eliott rocks. we had to write a war poem about how brave the soldiers were and how we should remember them blahblah-puke-. so i had this big conversation with her about how the whole honour and glory is so cliched and wrong and how society will never learn. =D twas fun!

but in music, euan had to be moved and mr fowler wanted to move him next to me. he made a big fuss about not bein able to sit next to me without killing me. and he called me a wee cunt and a specky bastart and said it was my fault he got suspended. sorry little person, but i didn't make the irritating ignoramus that you are.

caroline was talking to me today. she says that i'm evil and that nicola has brainwashed me.... i dont want to be all 'damsel in distress' but thank you soo much for adding to my shit-pile. i'll do a post explaining my turmoil, if i decide i can't do the whole 'shutupandbenice' thing.

i have to walk the dawgs again at five, I REALLY dont want to. i'm a bit tired of natalie. she's just really nasty sometimes. i know she's joking but i really hate that kind of humour.

meh.

Well, i'm off. bubi xx
taksan ai

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 21:11:22 GMT

i'm sick of this. It's the most trivial, soap opera shite i've ever encountered.

They lied. Society lied. You see in the films, love is this wonderful thing that lifts you up and makes you feel all weak in the knees. It fucking well isn't. If you feel like that, chances are you're malnourished. And i'm sick with myself for talking about it so much, it doesn't matter. stop gushing and get on with it murray. I'm supposed to be smart. I'm supposed to be stable. I thought i could handle anything and it's this 'wonderful' emotion thats killing me.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. I'm sorry if i've ignored you, but i'm not in the mood to console anyone.

I'm never happy anymore. I thought that if natalie and shona made up, and i wasn;t between them anymore, i'd be happy. That happened today. I still feel like shite.

I hate that i obsess over everything. par exemple; lynx deodorant. it attracts woman therefore men should wear it. what about if your gay? do you wear womans deodorant, or are gay men attracted to the same scents as woman? then i realise: it doesn't fucking well matter! I wasted 5 minutes of my life that i'll never get back thinking about that.

I hate that i'm so bloody needy. He didn't comment, he hates me! She didn't say hi, what did i do to her?! It's so irritating.

And when i've got this on my mind, some degenerate decides its my turn to be tormented! CAN'T YOU SEE I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!? LEAVE ME ALONE!

I've never fellt like this before. i can't handle it. it's not fair.

melody - I'm so sorry that you feel the way you do. You're such a wonderful person and i love you so much. I hope you can find happiness.

nicola - we've been through a lot together in the year we've been friends. I love you and i think your amazing, after all you've been through your still fun and lively. i love you.

kyle - don't feel like your the source of my pain. you're not, it's my own fault for being so weak. you mean so much to me and i suppose in some way you're my first true love. unrequited but true. i've known you for very little time but i feel like you've been with me since birth. I can't imagine life without you and melody and nicola. there would be no life.

i've gushed enough for one night.
i love all of you so much.
taksan ai
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meh

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 13:37:44 GMT

lmao! kyle's hair today was so spantifulous! lol.

I want to rip Lee's head from his body and shove it up his fat arse.

What was the point of having people wear pink today? it didn't raise any money whatsoever. are cancer patients supposed to say, Im cured! they're wearing pink! -dance dance-. ?? mimph.

but im sort of happy now because ksiwsyaawliseedet! lol!

i've been thinking [i know i should't but i cant help it]; my future, or atleast the next ten years, look rather thucky. chances of me losing my 'VL' as it is so classily put, in the next ten years = gay guys in the greater bathgate area / my fugliness x my shyness = approx. zero. lol

big huge meh.

ja ne
taksan ai
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