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18 December 2005
21:45:00 o'clock GMT
I don't really know how I feel right now.. We put up the Christmas tree.. but it made me feel depressed instead of happy.. whats up with that? Now I have a sort of sick flutter in my stomach.. the feeling i get when talk to <3Kyle<3. It's strnage. I know how unhealthy this obsession is. I'll never be able to have a relationship with another guy if i don't get over him. But i don't want to. I'm going to be blunt but whatever. You say I'm attractive, just not to you and that i could be with someone [putting it a bit more pg 13 than you did, lol] but the problem is; I dont want anyone else. I want you. I don't care if i dont get anything for christmas, i don't care if i get beaten up at school, i don't care if everyone looks down on me, I would be happy if i had you, no matter what. You have no idea what i'd give up for one kiss. You have no idea.
-sigh- I suppose it doesn't matter. People learn to live with cancer, with diabetes. Why can't I learn to live with this? Is this fair? I don't know. I'm also haunted by religion. I want to believe in God. But i don't know if i can without proof. And isn't religion just setting myself up for homophobic believers telling me im not welcome? I can't handle anymore rejection.
Oh dear. T'would appear im in over my head.
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21:45:00 o'clock GMT
I don't really know how I feel right now.. We put up the Christmas tree.. but it made me feel depressed instead of happy.. whats up with that? Now I have a sort of sick flutter in my stomach.. the feeling i get when talk to <3Kyle<3. It's strnage. I know how unhealthy this obsession is. I'll never be able to have a relationship with another guy if i don't get over him. But i don't want to. I'm going to be blunt but whatever. You say I'm attractive, just not to you and that i could be with someone [putting it a bit more pg 13 than you did, lol] but the problem is; I dont want anyone else. I want you. I don't care if i dont get anything for christmas, i don't care if i get beaten up at school, i don't care if everyone looks down on me, I would be happy if i had you, no matter what. You have no idea what i'd give up for one kiss. You have no idea.
-sigh- I suppose it doesn't matter. People learn to live with cancer, with diabetes. Why can't I learn to live with this? Is this fair? I don't know. I'm also haunted by religion. I want to believe in God. But i don't know if i can without proof. And isn't religion just setting myself up for homophobic believers telling me im not welcome? I can't handle anymore rejection.
Oh dear. T'would appear im in over my head.
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This entry has 2 comments: (Add your own)
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Hi Murry,
my name is joel and all I want to say is believe in your heart, read my bolg, it may help..blindlife.blogstream.com
joel 19 florida USA
24/09/06 22:20
Regards, Noel in Wales (noelhewitt@aol.com