It's my life - a diary in remembrance of Felix

18:46:21 o'clock GMT

It's an awful long time since I posted and most people will probably think I have fallen off the edge of the earth, but I am still here. It is only now that I am strong enough in body and mind to write in my journal.

I have been on a long, dark journey and at times did not think I would come out of the other end. I have been to the depths of despair and back again and have been in darkness and solitude that I would never wish on my worst enemy. Depression is a terrible illness that people do not truly understand, unless they have been there. It is hard to describe and hard to talk about. I felt at times, that if I did confide in friends and family, they would get fed up with me and expect me to be able to pull myself together and snap put of it. Both of those phrases were actually used on several occassions when I was ill.

Mentally, it has been a long, hard journey but I am getting better, slowly. Physically, I am in a pretty bad way at the moment. During one of the darkest moments of despair, I broke my back. It is 8 weeks since I had surgery to put metal rods and screws in my back to stablilise it, so as to help prevent further nerve damage. Initially, I had no feelings or reflexes in my right leg. Gradually, this has come back but I have to walk with crutches. I thank the lord that I am not paralysed and have been given a second chance. I have numbness in my right leg now, that could be permanent but they will not know for 18 months if this is so. It is the kind of numbness you get when you have had an injection in your gum at the dentist. You can feel your cheek, but it is numb. That's the only way I can describe how my leg feels. I am in a lot of pain all the time, but I am still thankful I can walk. Things could have turned out far worse than they are. I have to wear a back brace for another 6 weekss and then I will be reviewed again. If my x-rays look ok, they I may be able to start some gentle physiotherapy.

I hope everybody is ok and well

Jules xx

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17:55:20 o'clock BST
Feeling Happy

Well, I did it, I finished the race yesterday. It poured with rain but the atmosphere was electric. It over whelmed me at times and I was choked and had to bit back tears. There was about 5,000 people did the race yesterday, so we were a bit like sardines really, and that was quite scary at times. Also, the course was on grassland, so it got pretty boggy and slippy. I was walking with a friend who is 7 months pregnant and I was constantly worried about her slipping. I did the race in 45 minutes, which is a 10 minute improvement on last years race. I probably could have done it quicker but I didn't want to go too far ahead of my friend. If I had gone on ahead and she had slipped, I would never have forgiven myself. Anyway, it's the taking part and the fact that we finished that counts more than anything. We both held hands and crossed the finishing line together.

We warmed up before the race to Heather Smalls song, Proud. Now that really did choke me up. I felt humbled in a kind of way. I did the race because I care and never thought for a minute about being proud. My thoughts were with the people battling against cancer. They are the people who should be proud. Proud for fighting and for not just lying down and giving up. Here are the words to the song, and guess what? Today, I do feel proud, and I will do so next year when I race again and every following race.

Artist: Heather Small Lyrics
Song: Proud Lyrics

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know
Realise that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

We need a change
Do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change
So do it today
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
'Cause you could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today
You could be so many people?
Just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

Mick was on the finishing line this year for me and it was lovely having somebody waiting for me, like somebody cared. I know lots of people care but it was nice having somebody there. My friends husband was there as well and we all went for lunch afterwards. Because we were soggy and wet, we couldn't go anywhere posh so we went to K.F.C. but boy did it taste delicious. I have to admit to being a bit of a K.F.C addict, lol.

I would like to thank every single person who sponsored me. I have over £400 raised now which is a tremendous amount of money. You all should be proud of yourselves for helping me reach this target. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will put a few pictures now

please visit Jeannettes journal. She is a very dear friend who is battling against cancer. I dedicated my race to her and afterwards, she did a beautiful entry in her journal for me. Thank you so much for that Jeannette, I love you for doing that for me.

Thank you again to all my journal friends for all your support and friendship. It means so much to me.

Jules xxxxx

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16:47:05 o'clock BST

Hi

Sorry for my abscence. I have been in a black hole since my last entry and have been having trouble getting out of it. I am working on it with my counsellor who is very nice and very supportive.

I have the race for life this Sunday. I have had lots of sponsors and wish to thank each and every person for sponsoring me because it really does mean a lot to me to be able to make as much money as I can for cancer research. There is still time for anybody who hasn't sponsored me, who would like to. I think they keep the web page open for a week after the event for any last minute sponsors. I have been walking lots and lots so am really prepared. Fingers crossed that the weather is kind to us on the day, but what the heck, if it rains, I will just get wet, lol.

Here is the Race for Life site if anybody wishes to do a last minute sponsor.

love Jules

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17:03:52 o'clock BST

Looks like my luck ran out. I had to give a detailed account of my medical history.

In 1991, after my mum died, I had had a prem baby who nearly died, I had pre cancerous cells in my uterus and had a hysterectomy after which I had a massive abscess in my stomach. I suffered a massive breakdown and tried to take my own life. I was sectioned into hospital for my own safety. Apparantly this history on my medical record may stop me working in any medical job whatsoever. They still refer to the Beverley Allitt case and obviously think I am not sage to work with others. I am so gutted that something that happened 16 years ago is still coming back to haunt me.

Jules x

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23:31:33 o'clock BST

I have been for another interview yesterday. It was raining, cold and miserable but nothing could stop me feeling excited. I was going for an interview for the job I wanted the most out of all the jobs I have applied for. Ambulance practitioner. It is a role that is only available with the M.O.D. and doesn't exist on civvy street. It involves giving cover when there is flying, day or night at Middle Wallop. Because it is an aviation school there is plenty of flying. It also involves giving cover in the medical centre when people go for medicals or are all. So it really is a mixture of nursing and paramedic. I am so excited to be applying for such a role.

I passed the interview with flying colours and have the job offer, conditional to me passing a medical and all the security checks that are necessary for a job with the M.O.D.

I now have been offered three jobs, all of which I have to pass medicals and security checks. Two are with the M.O.D. - one being in the post room the second being the ambulance job. The third job is security at Healthrow airport with B.A.A. I am spoilt for choice. I go from not working for 15 years to getting 4 out of 5 jobs I applied for since last July. I was thinking I was hopeless and on the scrap heap but I must be doing something correct and there must still be some life in me yet, lol.

I have my medical for the post room job combined with the medical for the ambulance job tomorrow afternoon at 1.30 pm. Wish me luck everybody please. I really want the ambulance job, really, really, really.

Jules xxxxx

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20:51:23 o'clock BST

Well, I went for my interview for a job with a company called B.A.A. at Heathrow Airport. The position is security guard at Heathrow Airport. It was the most gruelling and exhausting day and interview I have ever had in all of my life. It was an assessment day as well as an interview. I had several tests and it was an elimination process. If you passed, you went on to the next test, if you failed you was shown the door. Harsh but it must work. 21 of us started out in the group and only 5 of us got through and were offered jobs. I cannot believe I passed all the assessments and the interview and was offered a job!!! I am nothing special and was shocked that other people who seemed really confident did not get through. I was offered the job verbally on condition of references, CRB clearance, counter terrorist clearance and a medical. Fingers crossed eh? If I get through the rest I have a starting date for training on 29th August.

I still have the interview for the ambulance practitioner on Monday and deep down would prefer that job over the other one. I am not hedging my bets though and am prepared in case I dont get offered the job. I loved my nursing days and love anything to do with medicine so I know I will love the ambulance job. Because it is with the MOD I also have to be CRB cleared, counter terrorist cleared, have good references and pass as medical as well as doing a good interview. I suppose I performed well at Heathrow so there is no reason why I will not perform well again. Fingers crossed eh??

I will let everybody know how I get on at the interview.

Can I say a massive thank you to the following people who have sponsored me on my race for life. I really apreciate all the kindness people have shown and we are well over the £300 mark now which is wonderful. So thanks to:

Sara

Eric

Maureen and Brian

Peter and Josephine

Paul

Margaret

Bob

Joanne

John and Betty

Charlie and John

Vera

Patricia

Ron, Jackie and family

Brenda and Phil

Penny

Elainey

 

thank you so much, it really does mean a lot to me to raise as much money as I can.

Jules xxx

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10:42:54 o'clock BST

Life does go on after bereavement.............and on and on and on. It seems really monotonous at the moment. Maybe it's because I am not working that the days seem really long. I try to fill my days but sometimes it is really difficult. I have to keep myself busy because if I don't, then I sit thinking about things and get myself all upset again. If I am busy, I don't have time to think about things.

The people at work have missed me so much!! So much, that they haven't even given me a sorry your leaving card. Split between them, the price would cost them about 5 pence each and it seems I am not even worth that. Never mind, I suppose I was only there for six months. Not having to go into work has taken so much of the strain out of my life. It was so stressful having to meet targets and sales every day. I honestly thought a cashier was there to serve the customers, be friendly and chat and give good customer service. I had no idea you had to go in for the heavy sale tactic with everybody that came to the counter. If I had known beforehand, I probably would not have gone for the job. I have had some good experience from my time at the bank though. I know for certain that sales is certainly not for me.

I have a few jobs in the pipeline at the moment. I applied for a post room job with the MOD and was told I am suitable. I have also applied for an ambulance practitioner job with the MOD. I have my interview on 21st May and out of the two jobs I would prefer the ambulance one. I have also got an interview at Heathrow Airport on the 15th May for a job with security and I am handing in a CV today for a job with the travel agent 'Going Places' for a position as Foreign Currency sales. That would be like working on the foreign till at Barclays but not having to sell each person insurance and loans and barclaycards at the same time. I am also looking into moderating work from home on my computer. I have done moderating work as a volunteer and quite fancy that as well. So there is plenty I am applying for and it is all so different from each other. I still think my first choice would be the ambulance practitioner though, even if it does mean working shifts.

I have bought a stuffed kitten in a basket. It is curled up asleep and has batteries in it so it looks like it is breathing. I don't have it turned on because it does look a bit freaky to be honest. It does look very lifelike, even without the breathing motion. I bought this particular one because it is black and white and looks very similar to Felix. I have to admit that it takes my breath away sometimes when it catches my eye because for a split second I think it is Felix asleep on my bed. I still miss him so much and it still hurts so much. I don't cry as often as I did but I still do cry buckets at times. I have read on a website that it often takes 6 months to go through all the stages of grief, to get to the acceptance part. I am nowhere near the acceptance part yet. I still linger between being upset and being angry. Felix darling, mammy does miss you every single day. I love you my precious and I will always love you forever and ever. Thank you for leading your two new brothers to me. I know you sent them because you knew they needed a mammy that loved them and you knew I would love them to bits like I loved you. Thank you my precious.

The boys are growing so much. Salem is really big, he is the black cat. He has such long, loppy legs and is so silky to touch. He brought a bird in the other day. When I heard the bird swarking, I thought it was Abu who had brought it in and was surprised to see Salem with it. It was slightly injured on its wing but was flying around the kitchen, pooping everywhere. I managed to get it outside and it flew away. I do hope it is ok but I will never know for sure. Salem also caught his first mouse. He brought it into the house and I said thank you and took it outside again. He brought it in and then hid it. Mick found it in his slipper! He wanted the present to be for his daddy obviously so put it where daddy would find it. He picked it out from the slipper as Mick was sat down and presented it to him. He didn't half growl when Merlin came near him as well, it was so funny. Mick gave him loves and strokes and said he was clever then got rid of the mouse for good this time. Salem kept going back into Micks slipper, digging in there looking for it. He was so funny.

Merlin is still a little wee tot. He is so small compared to Salem but he is a mammys boy and seldom leaves my side. He follows me around all the time and snuggles up to me as much as he can. He does go out and plays but not as much as Salem does. He is a really good fly catcher though and we will not need any fly spray this year. He is always giving me little kitty kisses and it a little softy. They are so opposite to each other in personality but boy do they love each other to bits.

Natalie is having her boyfriend come round for tea today. We are not having anything fancy, just macaroni cheese. Jason is a faddy eater and at the moment there are only three meals I know he will eat, macaroni cheese, spaghetti bolognese and sausage and chips, lol. As long as he doesn't go hungry I dont mind cooking what he likes. He is a lovely lad, well mannered and polite and really friendly.

I am going to clean the bathroom now and then do a bit more knitting for Kellys baby, Paighton.

Take care everybody and thankyou for taking the time to read this journal.

Jules xxxxx

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17:55:55 o'clock BST

Hi, first of all I would like to say a massive thank you to the following people who have sponsored me on my Race For Life. The total sponsored so far has now reached £200, which is absolutely brilliant. So, many, many heart felt thanks to:

Jeannette

Mike

Antonella

Guido

Sybil

TellG

Rob

Becky

Wendy

Mark

Denise

Jenny

Kirkbyj05

Freda

Elizabeth and Martin

Eileen.

There is still time for other to sponsor me if you wish to do so. I realise that lots of people may not be able to afford to sponsor me, so it would be nice  if you could just think of me on the day. The site to sponsor me is here. I would like to thank anybody in advnace.

 

I have started to walk to build myself up to the race. I haven't really walked much since I started work and I really miss it. I can also tell I haven't walked much as well by the ache in my legs, lol. I love walking. I love the freedom, being able to see all the beautiful things in the country side as I go along. I have to admit that I wasn't so happy to see a snake the other day though. It is the first one I have seen since I moved to the countryside and hopefully the last one. To me it was huge but to others it was probably small.

I took all my uniforms into work and got that job out of the way. I have to admit that I have a lot more wardrobe room now, lol. The girls were all happy because they can divide the uniforms between them and seeing as they are all just 6 months old, they are still in very good condition. In fact, one of the jackets was brand new, still in the plastic wrapping.

Thank you again to all the kind people who have sponsored me on the Race For Life

Jules xxx

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09:32:15 o'clock BST

It is very unusual for me to do entries. The first one was specially for Felix though. This entry is more about me.

I went into work on reduced hours like arranged. After my first day in work I hardly slept that night because I was so stressed. My asthma was really bad and I was up in the night using my nebuliser. On the first day when I went to balance my till I was £2700 short. I panicked, thinking I could never have given somebody that much money too much, there was no way. I knew it had to be something I had done wrong, maybe missed swiping a cheque or something. I found the error in the end, I had put down that I had £300 of £20 notes and I had £3000 in the safe. Was I relieved? Not one person offered to help me find the mistake though and I was really stressed. On the second day I was in I asked for Sat 26th May off as I am going to a party in Colchester. I was told it was my Saturday to work. I pointed out that I was in fact working the two previous Saturdays. It was then pointed out that I had not done Saturdays for a while. I couldn't believe they were making me pay for not doing Saturdays when I was off sick. I told them I thought it was unfair and left it at that. I knew at that moment, I was not happy in my job and as soon as the manager came in I would be handing my notice in. I am taking it in today and have got a sick note from my GP to cover my notice so I dont have to go back again.

I have been told I am suitable for a post room job with the MOD but I dont really want that job. I have also applied for an ambulance practitioners post and have recently applied for a security job at Heathrow Airport. I dont fancy the travelling but anything has to better than the bank.

I an doing well with sponsors for my Race For Life. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart to anybody that has sponsored me. It is for a good cause and if anybody else would like to sponsor, please click on the link above and do so, even the smallest amount makes a difference. Thank you.

Jules xx

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09:19:43 o'clock BST

This was supposed to have been posted on Wednesday but I didn't get the chance. It was four months since I lost Felix on the 25th. I am so sorry for being late Felix. Mammy was thinking about you all day on Wednesday.

Four months ago today, when everybody was celebrating Christmas day, my life was totally changed. I lost the most important friend in my life, my baby Felix. It was a devastating day when I found his little body. I will never as long as I live get those horrific images out of my head. I will also never forgive myself for not being with him when he died nor finding him when he needed me most. I let him down, I let him die. That is a hard thing to live with.

To my darling baby boy, my gorgeous, handsome, beautiful boy, I love you so much. I miss you so much my darling boy and wish with all my heart I could have just one more minute with you so I can say sorry and can say goodbye properly. You was the most gentle, loving and affectionate baby in the world. You adored me as much as I worshiped you. I will cherish the love you gave me forever. I was truly blessed when you came into my life and it could not have been more perfect during the short time I had you. I will keep those few months in my heart as well. I have the memories of you, something I will never forget, and something nobody can take away from me. It is those memories though, that at times makes me miss you even more. When I remember how wonderful life was with you in it, I miss you even more and want you back even more. I will see you again one day though baby and I hope you wait at the rainbow bridge for me, having fun and playing in the sunshine whilst you wait. Mammy loves you darling Felix and I will always love you till we meet again. I am sending kisses on the clouds today, so that when they get high in the sky, you can reach over and get them. I am also going to send a balloon up today, on your bridge day. The balloon says sorry, but it also says I love you..................from Mammy xxxxx

Jules (felix's mammy) xx

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