Living with a Serious Illness

I went to see my surgeon on Monday and he was very pleased with the progress I'm making with my arm. He thinks I'm now ready for some physio and I'm waiting for my appointment to come through. He has also told me that when I go back to see him in 3 months time he will arrange for me to come into hospital so he can remove the wire from my arm. The two screws have to stay but the wire has to be removed. His description of the proceedure does not sound very nice so I hope they will knock me right out as I don't think I can go through that being fully awake. It sounds awful.

I also got some answers to my heart condition and it seems that at some point I have had a minor heart attack and it has left me with some damage to the heart. It is because of this that they have put me on the heart tablets and it looks like I will be on them for life. They are supposed to stop me having another heart attack. I'm very confused because I thought that if I had a heart attack I would have knlwn all about it. My GP says that it is pssible to have a minor attack and not know anything about it. So! I must be one of the few people to have a heart condition and not know anything about it. I'll keep taking the pills though.

My Mum did not have very good results at the hospital on Wednesday. Her Doctor is stopping the chemo until January 6th next year than she has to make her decision about what she wants to do. It appears that the tumor behind her left eye can also effect her right eye and also her brain so that has given her a lot to think about.

She is looking exhausted and although she enjoyed her holiday she had to rest a lot as she was not able to do very much. Since she has been home she has had to have a lie down every afternoon as she runs out of energy. She is losing a lot of weight too. I feel so hopeless as there is nothing I can do for her except be there for her as and when she needs me. The way she is talking she thinks this will be her last Xmas and New Year and also her last holiday. I really think she has given up the fight. She is in so much pain daily and with having ostioathritis and her rib cage collapsing she has severe pains in her joints. She has also lost about 6 inches hight wise. I think all these years of suffering have finally caught up with her.

I'm hoping that after she has a rest for a month or so she will get back her fighting spirit. I don't know how I will face my life without my Mum. I have been so lucky to have both my parents for so long but that makes it harder to lose them. My hubby lost both his parents when he was in his teens so he has always looked on my Mum and Dad as his own parents so he is finding Mum's illness very hard.

He's also worried about me as my kidneys are slowly failing and he feels that everyone round about him are slowly getting iller and iller. I try and joke with him and say only the good die young and he will have me for a long time but he sees how much my health is going downhill on a daily basis. He has his own illness to worry about but he does not care about himself and only worries about me. I've tried everything to keep my ill health from him but he can read me like a book. When I tell him how pleased they are with me at the renal unit he just nods his head knowing it's a pack of lies but what can I do. He sees the pain on my face daily and I cannot even begin to hide that from him.

I just keep saying that next year will be better and if I believe that hard enough it may actually come true. He has taken his name off the transplant list as he feels he is not ready to face such a big operation so now I'm hoping that his condition will remain stable because if he goes downhill in any way I will insist that he goes back on the list. You can wait for months to get the right liver and I would hate to see anything happen to my hubby and not be able to get a liver for him when he desperately needs it. The transplant unit think he is stable enough to leave him off the list just now but he has to get fortnightly bloods taken and if they start to fall he will be put back on the list. He now wants to delay the operation as long as possible rather than getting it sooner. I think that is the right attitude for now as he has been so much better but the minute his health changes I think he will have to face the thought of a transplant.

I'm not really looking forward to Xmas this year and I'm finding it so difficult to build up any enthusiasm for it. So much so that my son has noticed and he is coming home for Xmas. My daughter is also coming home so it will be a family Xmas. I'm pleased that they are coming home but also a bit apprehensive as it is almost as if they know things are not great for us and want to spend as much time with us as possible. It sends a cold shiver down my spine. Can anyone send me some happy pills because I really need something to change this downer I'm on?

I'll just have to kick myself up the backside and get on with it. Stop worrying, be more possitive, and hope and pray that next year will be the turning point for us and for all the other families out there who have problems. They always seem worse at Xmas. So till my next entry take care, God bless and have a very Happy Christmas and may 2007 bring you lots of Peace and Joy.

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• #5 Comment from jacksj989 
  12/01/07 09:27 | Permalink

  I hope that the New Year is much better for you and your family.
  
  By for now,
  
  John and family.
• #4 Comment from mmaubern 
  16/12/06 22:09 | Permalink

  Hi Joyce
  So sorry your not too good at the moment and also your mum but seeing your kids at christmas will buck you up no end so just enjoy it and I am sure 2007 will be good for you all
  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all
  Maureen
• #3 Comment from faircolleen 
  14/12/06 10:15 | Permalink

  its a good job we have christmas to cheer us up Joyce. . .life is so hard sometimes.Next year will be better as you say. . .I wish you a lovely Christmas Joyce. . .you and Paul and I will say a prayer for you Mum too.
• #2 Comment from frdbrow7 
  09/12/06 17:29 | Permalink

  I'm sure you will have a lovely family Christmas in spite of everything.
  My very best wishes to you all
  Freda
• #1 Comment from rachealcarol 
  08/12/06 22:32 | Permalink

  I think it great that the family is coming home for Christmas, I think you've deserved that boost. (((( hugs for all of u )))) especially your Mum.  You have a wonderful Christmas, a cosy one. Rache