Make 'Em Laugh!

A laugh can ease the pain..

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 05:09:45 GMT

I thought before I "hit the hay" I would read a bit of these and of course a chuckle came over me...much need after this last week.

This is not a joke but did make my family laugh tonight while at hospital...as I was coming back to my son's room from the lu I notice a sign on the patient's wall next door that said, "feed patient" to which I thought of course they better feed him...oh Lori what a brain fart you had....poor fellow was unable to feed himself.

Guess I better stop before I make a total fool of myself tonight...

Hugs to all...

Lori from Alberta....

In The Lift (Elevator)

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:39:57 GMT

A man gets into a hotel lift.

He accidentally knocks his elbow into the bosom of a woman already standing there.

He turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your bosom, I know you will forgive me."

She turns to him and replies "And if your willie is as hard as your elbow, I am in room 245".

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 14:56:57 GMT

Adam
was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely.

So, God asked
him, 'What's wrong with
you?'

Adam said he
didn't have anyone to talk
to.

God
said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it
would be a woman.

He said, 'This
pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and
when you discover clothing, she will wash them
for you

She will always
agree with every decision you make and she will not
nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam
asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An
arm and a leg.'

Then
Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?

Of course the rest is history............!!!!

Tags: blogplugs, jokes, humour, cartoons

Nurses Should Not Laugh!

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:15:17 GMT

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional Nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest willie the nurse had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Ouch!

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 12:37:49 GMT

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice-cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No", he replied, "haemorrhoids"

Basic Economics

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:47:41 GMT

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

      SOCIALISM
      You have 2 cows.
      You give one to your neighbour.

      COMMUNISM
      You have 2 cows.
      The State takes both and gives you some milk.

      FASCISM
      You have 2 cows.
      The State takes both and sells you some milk..

      NAZISM
      You have 2 cows.
      The State takes both and shoots you.

      BUREAUCRATISM
      You have 2 cows.
      The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
      the milk
      away...

      TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
      You have two cows.
      You sell one and buy a bull.
      Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
      You sell them and retire on the income.

      SURREALISM
      You have two giraffes.
      The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

      AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
      Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

      ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
      You have two cows.
      You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
      of
      credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
      debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
      four
      cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
      The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary
      to a
      Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
      sells
      the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
      The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
      one
      more.
      You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
      you
      with nine cows.
      No balance sheet provided with the release.
      The public then buys your bull.

      A FRENCH CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
      want
      three cows.

      A JAPANESE CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
      and
      produce twenty times the milk.
      You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
      market it
      worldwide.

      A GERMAN CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
      and milk
      themselves.

      AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
      You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
      You decide to have lunch.

      A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      You count them and learn you have five cows.
      You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
      You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
      You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

      A SWISS CORPORATION
      You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
      You charge the owners for storing them.

      A CHINESE CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      You have 300 people milking them.
      You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
      productivity.
      You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

      AN INDIAN CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      You worship them.

      A BRITISH CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      Both are mad.

      AN IRAQI CORPORATION
      Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
      You tell them that you have none.
      No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
      country.
      You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
      Democracy....

      AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      Business seems pretty good.
      You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

      A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
      You have two cows.
      The one on the left looks very attractive

Old Age

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:06:23 GMT

Italian Style

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 16:58:59 GMT

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to plant his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work and the ground was hard as rocks. His only
son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the hard
ground to plant a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig that garden! That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local l police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

Old Ladies

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:57:12 GMT

Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their Orlando retirement home chatting about the past.

The first lady recalled from years past shopping at the local store and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

Gates vs. GM

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 22:49:15 GMT

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!