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20 July 2008
03:02:55 o'clock BST
Bob and the Blond
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on..
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan
dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM News
and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money... |
Written by lsfp1960
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19 July 2008
22:00:01 o'clock BST
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
Written by jeanno43
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05:23:43 o'clock BST
Scam at Home Depot
Originally posted at Slapinions. Enjoy :)
SCAM @ HOME DEPOT
Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who
may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be
quite traumatic.
Don't be naove enough to think it couldn't happen to
you or your f! riends. Here's how the scam works:
Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your
car as you are packing your stuff into the trunk. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their
skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When
you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and
instead they ask you for a ride to Lowes. You agree
and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over you, while
the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on
the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also April 1st,
4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th,
three times last Saturday and very likely again this
upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale, $2.99 each.
Written by slapinions
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14 July 2008
04:10:50 o'clock BST
Zen Wisdom
Subject: Zen Wisdom
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the ti me to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth , you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
side and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
And last, but not least......
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Written by preciousone25
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01 July 2008
06:17:54 o'clock BST
Feeling Chillin'
Needing Glasses
My ole lady cleaned the bathroom sink and vanity area and put her hair spray next to my spray on deoderant and I grabbed her hair spray, all day long it looked like I had Don King in a head lock!
And remember.....
Laissez les bon temps rouler!
And as always, thanks for listening!
Written by garnett109
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30 June 2008
11:11:16 o'clock BST
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Written by agramolasands
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27 June 2008
12:38:24 o'clock BST
Feeling Silly
Laugh Does A Body Good
As a former LPN Hospsic nurse, I knew the importance of laugher. Thr Torah tells us that laugh "does the heart good like a medication."
I told Mark once I brought a Cancer patient of my a stuffed crab and told her to call it Cancer. It changed her outlook. You must not allow the disease to define or control you. You must learn to say "I have Cancer; it doesn't have me!"
And it is true. One of the things I carried in my nursing bag for my patients were videos of I Love Lucy as part of their treatment program. And if they didn't know about Lucy before they met me, they soon came to love her too.
Early in Mark's treatment, Mark found that he was hungry all of the time. He thought Chemo takes away the need to eat. But I told him sometimes, Chemo makes you hunger.
And don't be afraid to eat! It will help the drugs to work and help your body fight the cancer.
"So," I told him, "if you find youself at Burger King @ 2 am ordering everything on the menu and if the clerk ask you, 'what! are you expecting?' Say yes! a five pound, two ounce crab."
Mark looked at me like I was from Mark. He started laughing, thinking I had said something else. Mark thought he heard me say "crab" with a 'p' and not a 'b'.
We had a good laugh over his mishearing what I said.
This was the beginning of Mark's healing. Not only of his body, but of his heart.
Laini
http://journals.aol.com/mereel2005/Love-from-Iraq/
Written by mereel2005
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22 June 2008
01:35:16 o'clock BST
Nap Time
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Written by blossomcat
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14 June 2008
22:58:51 o'clock BST
A maid went to her mistress and asked for a pay rise.
The lady was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Your husband said so.”
Wife: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Your husband did.”
Wife: “Oh.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora, the gardener did.”
SHE GOT THE RAISE!
Written by jeanno43
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