I Am Fabulous

A Midsummer Night's Dreaming

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:29:12 GMT

So, Midsummer’s Day has come and gone, we’re already at the end of June and if you’re anything like me, you can’t quite grasp the concept that half the year has disappeared already. Traditionally, this would be a time for a bit of internal agonising over where all the time has gone and why haven’t we achieved what we set out to do in our New Year plans, but let’s buck with tradition, shall we? Let’s have a delicious summer full of happy daydreams of what we’re really going to bring to fruition in the rest of the year.

As a big fan of the Native American proverbial wisdom that it’s best to ride the horse in the direction that it’s going, it's my trusty rule of thumb to realise we need to face facts. Even if you aren’t too impressed with what you’ve managed to get up to so far this year, you’re highly unlikely to do anything much about it in the summer months. If you live in England, take that as gospel, because you won’t have even seen daylight for half the year. Now is the time to have some fun, reap the benefits of what you’ve been up to in the winter and spring, and give yourself some well-needed downtime before another big push in the autumn.

We really need to respect the cycles in our lives if we want to be happy and productive. Just recently I heard about studies by social scientists on work and productivity cycles. It should come as no surprise to learn that our efficiency vs stress curve is an almost perfect arc, ie little stress – no motivator – and we have low efficiency; moderate stress and we have high efficiency; then with excessive stress we’re back down to low efficiency again – distracted, irritable and lacking in concentration.

Equally, other studies have shown that our natural and most efficient productivity cycles are not constant, so the plodding approach of trying to keep up a steady level of output is counter-productive. Natural cycles of productivity rise and fall in clear periods of inspiration – where little appears to be done in the outside, but where the creative/intuitive/strategic skills are at work – followed by highly-efficient periods of externally-focused activity, where the creative work now comes to fruition. When we follow these natural rhythms, we become significantly more productive overall. Food for thought for manic bosses everywhere …

So, writ on a larger scale, summer is that time of the year when we appear to rest, but what we are doing is refreshing ourselves for the next cycle of activity, so that we can come to it anew with more inspiration, strategy and enthusiasm. Armed with that knowledge, hopefully any card-carrying workaholics who may be reading can give up their guilt about taking a break and learn to value the power of down-time.

When you do get the chance to enjoy some lazy days in summer, use this technique from Sandra Anne Taylor, author of Secrets of Success, to turbo-charge your daydreams for the next cycle of activity. She suggests getting into a positive frame of mind by deeply appreciating what you have already achieved or simply what you love most in your life – visualising it very clearly along with the feeling of pleasure that it brings – and then imagining whatever you desire or have planned becoming a great success and really feeling into what that would bring you, just as intensely as you've done for the things you already have in your life. As you focus on how great that would feel, you’re intensifying your own beliefs about how successful you can be and improving your confidence at the same time.

This week, if you’re still in the office and stressed to the max, remember to give yourself a break – no matter how short – particularly when you think you’re too busy to do so. Even a five-minute walk around the block will change your frame of mind and help you to relax and think more clearly. If you can, put a troublesome project away until you’ve had a chance to sleep on it and return refreshed with new eyes.

If you’re in holiday mode already, use it wisely. Forget your troubles and focus on what you’re really grateful for in your life. Daydream big and really see those dreams becoming a possibility for you, helping you to set a solid foundation for success. Or have a cocktail - even daydreaming feels like work sometimes!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.

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Tags: Sandra Anne Taylor, Visualisation,

Summer In The City

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 18:41:06 GMT

I have a new addiction. It involves a pretentious private school girl on a student exchange, a sulky Tongan schoolboy and the campest drama teacher this side of San Francisco – all played by the same comic genius, Chris Lilley, in the Aussie mockumentary, Summer Heights High, now showing on BBC3 and HBO in the US. It’s hard to know which character to love or loathe more.

Ja’mie (pronounced Jah-may) is hideously bitchy and without an ounce of self-awareness, as she gaily patronises all the state school students around her. Jonah is the classic under-achieving, sulky teenage boy and Mr G is deeply frustrated at being a ‘theatre professional’ in a high school teacher’s job. Which is of course particularly difficult for him, given his track record in writing and producing stage productions, including such gems as Ikea The Musical and Tsunamarama, based on the Boxing Day Tsunami tragedy, set to the music of Bananarama.

Although it’s hilarious, Summer Heights High can be as uncomfortable to watch as The Office, with performances that will make you cringe with recognition as the characters play out their personal dramas and power struggles. If you want to know exactly how not to behave, these are life lessons writ large. Possibly that’s why Perez Hilton called it ‘one of our favourite shows on the planet’.

For something a little more palatable on the life lesson front, there’s always Sex & The City, now lighting up the silver screen, and the subject of commentary around the world. At Beliefnet.com, there’s even an article on 15 Love Lessons from the TV show, by Valerie Reiss. As a firm believer in finding wisdom anywhere, here are a few of the highlights for you to enjoy. For the whole piece go to http://www.beliefnet.com/gallery/15lovelessonsfromsexandthecity.html.

“Fate Is Not Always Fate – It’s so tempting to interpret the tea-leaves of love, to decide that fate is (finally) working in our favour. When Trey saved Charlotte from being mowed down by a speeding taxi, she decided it was fate. Not just that he was a nice guy who saved her life, but that he must be the guy to live out her ‘marry tale’ with. Turns out, not so much, and I think after that divorce, Char developed a very different notion of fate, ie we don’t know how the universe works and just because it seems like synchronicity, it doesn’t mean you have to marry the dude. A lesson better remembered than re-experienced.

“Be Vulnerable – More than anyone else on the show, Samantha and her mien of steel taught us that true strength is in opening and trust. She started to get this from her girl-flame Maria (‘I’ve got monogamy, I think I caught it from you people.’) but mostly from her hot-hot boyfriend, Smith Jerrod. First he forced on her his ‘perverse’ desire to hold hands and then, most touchingly, shaved off his golden locks when she lost hers to chemo. We all have an inner Samantha – the part that feigns bravado in the face of pain and trusts no-one. Watching her set down her insecurity-as-sword reminded all us tough girls to do the same.

“Don’t Mistake Scraps For Jewels – ‘It was the singlemost encouraging moment in our relationship.’ Was Carrie talking about Big sharing his heart with her? Giving her a thoughtful present? Nope. She said this when he gave her the ‘only’ extra pink toothbrush head one night. Sure, it was the only baby step toward accepting her into his life that he was capable of. But all of us need to love ourselves enough not to mistake glitter for diamonds, scraps for a meal – exactly what that toothbrush head was.

“Love Beyond Yourself – Though ever-cynical Miranda adored her baby, she was not instantly maternal, referring to him as ‘meatloaf’ at one point. But she eventually warms to motherhood. And later on, she grows her heart an extra size when she cares for her mother-in-law with dementia, gently bathing her in one especially heart-breaking scene. The girls – and all of us – are at their best when they give and extend themselves to others.

“Always Come Home To Yourself – When Carrie is off with the Russian in Paris, (wearing that amazing tulle dress that goes on forever), she loses her signature nameplate necklace. A heavy-handed metaphor? Maybe. A key lesson in all relationships? Yes. It’s so easy for women especially to lose their identity in romantic relationships – we tend to merge with our lovers, sometimes dropping our own ‘names’ in the process. Ms Bradshaw does find her necklace, and any good shrink (or scriptwriter) would say it’s important to note that it was with her all along, fallen into the lining of a Dior purse. The series ends with these words from Carrie, after she has gone back home to New York, to herself, her friends and her Big love: ‘the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that’s just fabulous.’”

This week, take a look at what you might have learned from your favourite shows or movies. What kind of values do they embody? What do they tell you about how you’d like your life to be? Which ones inspire you to follow your own vision? Which ones show you exactly what not to do? If you had to pick a single line to encompass your philosophy, what would it be? Draw some inspiration from the screen – big or small – and let life imitate art in the most fabulous way.

Of course if you have theatrical aspirations, there's always advice from Mr G ...

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by using the linkin the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.

For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.

Tags: Summer Heights High, Ja'mie, Jonah, Mr G, Beliefnet, Sex & The City

Original Goodness

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:52:10 GMT

One of the great attractions of Buddhist thought is that it functions very much like a spiritually-effective form of psychology, helping us to heal our wounds through the practice of mindfulness to return to what the spiritual writer Jack Kornfield calls ‘our original goodness’. Although Buddhism arose in the East, its approach is incredibly helpful for the uniquely Western condition of self-loathing, the malaise that lies at the heart of a lack of self-confidence.

The Buddhist writer, Pema Chodron, has spoken of being with the Dalai Lama at a conference with Western Buddhist teachers, where a meditation teacher brought up the subject of self-hatred. As Chodron recalls, “The Dalai Lama didn’t know what she was talking about. So he went around the room and asked the other Western teachers about it, and every one of them agreed with her. Self-hatred was something the Dalai Lama didn’t understand. The first noble truth of the Buddha is that people experience dukka, a feeling of dissatisfaction or suffering, a feeling that something is wrong. We feel this dissatisfaction because we’re not in tune with our true nature, our goodness. And we aren’t going to be fundamentally spiritually content until we get in tune … only in the West is this dissatisfaction articulated as ‘something is wrong with me’. It seems that thinking of oneself as flawed is more a Western phenomenon than a universal one.”

There’s comfort to be found in those words. If self-loathing is uniquely Western, it’s not part of who we are at heart, but simply a form of cultural conditioning. That makes it about as valid psychologically as a cultural preference for tea over coffee – just because it’s habitual doesn’t make it important. Part of the release from self-destructive habits comes in the form of recognition and detachment, by realising that they actually mean nothing about you. You may have a long-held story about your unworthiness or your unlikeability that you keep running in your head, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. Knowing that self-loathing isn’t a universal disease is a helpful step in uprooting the belief that it’s normal to treat yourself that way.

Another step in releasing those kinds of demons is to face them. We spend our whole lives running away from what we fear and trying to do the opposite to convince ourselves that we’re OK. If we’re afraid that we’re bad, we try so hard to be good that we overdose on people-pleasing and have trouble setting boundaries. If we’re convinced that we’re weak, we’ll knock ourselves out trying to seem strong, putting up defences in all our relationships, afraid of the vulnerability of allowing others to see us as we are, lest they see our fragility. Those coping mechanisms just make the problem worse, however, as they reinforce the need for a false persona because we believe our true nature to be flawed. To shake free of these chains, we must face what we most fear – our own pain and self-loathing.

Describing her own experience of feeling deeply into an ancient pain, Chodron says “There was a recognition that I needed to relax into the pain. Until then I had avoided going to this place where I felt bad or unacceptable or unloved. No language could express how awful that place felt. But I just started breathing into it … but as I relaxed into that feeling, it passed through me. And I didn’t die. It passed right through. That was a big moment for me. I realised that resistance to the idea that I was unlovable only made the pain worse … I realised what a source of happiness turning towards pain actually is. Our avoidance of pain keeps us locked in a cycle of suffering.”

We’ll be held in the grip of a nightmare unless we remember that we’re dreaming. Any story you tell yourself about not being good enough is just a story, and an old one at that. When you can really face your fears about how bad you think you might be, on the other side lies the truth of your original goodness.

There’s plenty of evidence for the beauty of our original nature. The Tibetan Book Of The Dead instructs us to remember “O nobly born, O you of glorious origins, remember your radiant true nature, the essence of mind. Trust it. Return to it. It is home.” Recalling a mystical experience where he was shown the truth about humanity, the Trappist monk Thomas Merton wrote “Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in the eyes of the Divine. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed … I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.”

This week, live as if you remember your original goodness. Know that wherever you’re habitually attacking yourself, you’re telling yourself a lie. When you have some quiet time, step into the lie more fully. Really feel all the dreadful things you believe about yourself deep down. Feel them as deeply as you can until you pop right through to the other side. Release yourself from the bondage of an old, outdated story that never was true in the first place. When you’re no longer afraid of what you might find, you can embrace exactly who you are with love and compassion, with no need for defences. When you have nothing to defend, the paradox is that you’ll become incredibly strong, with an unshakeable depth of self-acceptance and confidence. How else could you be if you knew the fabulous truth about yourself?

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.

For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.

Tags: Buddhism, Self-Loathing, Dalai Lama, Jack Kornfield, Pema Chodron, Self-Confidence, Happiness

Just Who Will You Be?

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 19:56:39 GMT

I believe it was Socrates who said “the unexamined life is not worth living”, sometime before knocking back a hefty dose of hemlock. That is rather incidental to the point, but a helpful detail nonetheless. The man was so principled, he’d rather put himself to death than go against his own ethics. Rather old-school, really. So we’ll have to take his word for it that a bit of self-examination is worth the effort.

One woman who’s found herself getting into a bit of Socratic method in mid-life is Maria Shriver, television news reporter, card-carrying Kennedy clan member and wife of the Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. That’s a rather heavyweight CV she’s dragging about, yet in a recent interview with Oprah – also no slouch in the over-achieving department – she admits to having found little satisfaction in her intensive schedule. She said “I made the mistake of thinking that external accomplishments would bring me peace. I thought it was about the job or a book or making a name for myself. So many people would come up to me and say, ‘Which Kennedy are you?’. At a very young age, I thought, You’re going to know which one I am. I decided that I was going to be the Kennedy who makes her own name and finds her own job and works like a dog. My comeuppance was when Arnold got elected – I became the Kennedy who was married to the Governor.”

Of course, that kind of driven busyness doesn’t just spring up out of nowhere, unbidden. Describing her early family life, Shriver says “It’s competitive when you walk in the door. It’s competitive at the table. It’s competitive on the playing field. It’s competitive in a boat. Even my mother is very competitive at everything – from checkers to Ping-Pong to sailing to politics … My parents’ vacations were working vacations. We visited Special Olympics events, Peace Corps volunteers, prime ministers and priests. They’d be trying to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict on Christmas.”

That drive to constantly achieve knew no bounds, as a telling interchange with Shriver’s father after she’d written her second book clearly highlights. “He said, ‘What are you doing with yourself?’ I said ‘I just wrote a book.’ ‘But you did the book already’, he said. ‘That’s over. You need to do a new thing.’”

Whoah, scary! While all that workaholism doubtless created a lot of positive change for many people, it also negated any possibility of self-enquiry. Without self-examination, we’ll never really know if we’re doing what we do because we want to do it or simply because that’s what we think we should be doing. Shriver’s hard-won ability to accept herself and find true fulfilment at a slower, more authentic pace is valuable wisdom to follow, all the more because she’s had all that money, fame and accomplishment can offer and still came up empty.

She says now, “I’m trying to live my life from my heart, being authentic to who I am. I’m trying to feel my way to my truth. I do things now that feel real to me … A friend once told me ‘As long as you keep playing the game of trying to be the right Maria for everyone, you’re never going to deliver the real Maria. You don’t even know who the real Maria is.’ She was right. So I took a long, hard look at myself and began to strip away a lot of the stuff that kept me running. The most terrifying thing of all for me was to just sit with myself. I didn’t know how to be alone. When you grow up in a huge family, you’re never alone.”

Out of that stopping still, of taking time to learn who she was and what she wanted, she’s learned that it’s not what you do that counts – it’s who you are. Discussing this in the interview, Shriver notes “We’re all worthy – not because we’ve accomplished something or because we’re part of a famous family. You’re worthy if you don’t make the team, if you get Ds and Fs, if you don’t get into the best college. That belief is the greatest gift any parent can give his or her child. You and I don’t have to do an interview or talk about a project or save the world. We can just sit with each other and with ourselves. For me that was a revelation. An awakening.”

Now that’s an awakening we could all do with. As Maya Angelou once said to Oprah, “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” Time for some self-examination – if you believed those statements to be true, what would you stop doing? What activities, jobs, people or places are in your life because you think they should be? Do you have ‘second book syndrome’ – thinking nothing is ever good enough unless it’s a new experience? Do you even know why you’ve chosen the path that you have? When was the last time you just sat still and let it be OK to do nothing? How has the family dynamic you grew up with become a part of your life now? Are you living the way you do because that’s what your family did? How much real choice have you made in your life? How much does your life reflect the real you?

Juicy questions for you to ponder this week. Take your time with them, roll them around in your mouth and see what they taste like – the bitter pill of truth or a sweet revelation? If you need a little more inspiration, try Maria Shriver’s latest book, Just Who Will You Be?, to kick-start you into your authentic self-exploration.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the linkin the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.

For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.

Tags: Maria Shriver, Oprah, Maya Angelou, Authentic, Self-Examination, Just Who Will You Be?

The Allure Of Luxury

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:04:28 GMT

At a rather fabulous riverside party this weekend, I fell into conversation with a former luxury goods brand manager and ended up debating the issue of brand integrity. It’s fascinating to look at how brands in the luxury market tread the very fine line of mass marketing without debasing the brand – and even more fascinating to look at the ones that don’t manage to maintain that delicate balance. Luxury goods companies are in the business of creating allure and desirability, so once they spread themselves too thin, they begin to implode by destroying that very cachet that sells the products in the first place. It’s an integrity issue at heart – if you don’t adhere to your own core values, you’ll ultimately end up destroying yourself. That goes as much for people as for businesses.

We talked about one company in particular that had risen like a phoenix from the ashes of its stuffy, old-fashioned reputation to enjoy a shining moment of Cool Britannia before becoming its own antithesis as the knockoff brand of choice for Chav culture. As my fellow reveller pointed out, that occurred not as one of the inevitable vagaries of the fashion world, but because the brand themselves had opened the door to their own undoing, by introducing low-rent products which were then easily copied. Had they kept to their core values, the misfortune of becoming a market-stall staple probably wouldn’t have befallen them.

In essence, personal confidence is just like good luxury brand management. You want to create a certain kind of allure that marks you out as unique and valuable. To do that, you need to have a clear set of values that you adhere to, so that you know when you’re stepping out of integrity with yourself. You want to build a discerning clientele who appreciate your worth and your exclusivity. You can go all out for mass market appeal, but it’s ultimately unachievable – given that you can’t please everybody – and is probably likely to cause you to spread yourself too thin. Great brands have a clearly defined identity and, when managed well, can expand without ever losing that core sense of self.

This approach, of viewing yourself as a brand, can help you to give you the sense of detachment you need to take a dispassionate view of your life. Sometimes we’re too caught up in the minutiae of day-to-day life to keep track of where we’re headed in the long term, so it’s helpful to take a little time out to pay attention to what’s really important.

A good brand knows what it stands for and can encapsulate that in a few words. If you had to name your deepest core values, could you do that easily? If not, take a few minutes to write down at least three for each major area of your life, for example career, friendships, family. Then take a look at how well your work or relationships fit with the values you hold most dear. Are you out of integrity with who you want to be? If you are, what changes do you need to make?

In terms of confidence, if you were a luxury brand, what kind of qualities would you consider that you embody? What innate talents or qualities draw people to you? When you’re clear on what you have to offer, it’s easier to define your strengths and play to them. It’s also easier to spot what’s a good fit for you – and more crucially, what’s not. Honouring your own worth and staying in integrity with your own values is what teaches people what esteem to hold you in and how to treat you. If you’re not clear about who you are and what is acceptable to you, you open the door to destructive outer forces.

This week, think of yourself as a luxury brand and only make choices that support your core values and honour your worth – that goes as much for the work you do as the people you invite into your life. Take a fresh look at how well you’re expressing the truth of who you are and what you want to create for yourself. Luxury brands are prized because those who sell them believe in their intrinsic value and are comfortable persuading others of that. Do a little marketing magic on yourself – embrace your inner allure and don’t be shy about being your fabulous self.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the linkin the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.

For alert emails on new postings, emailsubscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.

Tags: Luxury, Confidence, Allure

This Is Spinal Tap

Mon, 26 May 2008 15:59:43 GMT

I have just discovered quite how uninteresting ceilings can be, courtesy of a lumbar puncture this week. If you don’t know what it is, I’d say you’re probably better off not knowing. Let’s just say it’s a deeply uncomfortable medical procedure that requires you to lay flat for hours afterwards, allegedly to avoid the onset of a post-LP headache. I say ‘allegedly’ advisedly, given that I’ve been flat on my back for days now because every time I get up I get another headache and every time I lie down it goes away. Try writing without lifting your head – it’s a skill! I have a new admiration for those who are bed-ridden for years. It’s only been a few days and I’m already stir crazy.

Given that the procedure itself is not the most fun you can have with your clothes on, I’d been dreading it for some time. Luckily, though, I was accompanied by my very good friends Liberté and Egalité (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent) who managed to turn a particularly horrid hospital visit into quite a magical mystery tour – no mean feat! There is nothing more entertaining than being regaled with the finer details of other people’s dating exploits, right down to the good, the bad and the ugly. I’d have laughed more if it didn’t hurt so much to do it. A huge thank you to both of them for making that the most fun I’ve ever had – and possibly ever expect to have – in a hospital gown.

Perhaps even more comical was leaving the hospital with no real after-care instructions and – perhaps even more tragically – no decent drugs. If someone is going to dig a rather large needle into your spine and tap you up for a bit of spinal fluid, the very least they can do is provide adequate pain-control for the after-effects. Honestly, some people have no idea of basic courtesy! I’m all for alternatives until it comes down to serious pain. Then I’m the first person with my hand in the medicine jar. I'm making no apologies for that. C’est la vie.

I always figure that what you need to look at most is whatever’s right in front of your face. In this instance, being made immobile gave me an opportunity for a bit of a rethink about the way my life is headed, particularly the focus of my work. I’m brewing up a few new ideas, courtesy of this enforced rest. It’s always better not to fight these things, but to take advantage of what they have to offer. If you’re stuck indoors with only a blank ceiling to stare at, then that’s what you have to make the best of – fighting it, feeling miserable about it or wishing you were elsewhere is just a waste of energy.

What’s staring you in the face this week? What’s the wall you just can’t get around, whether you like it or not? Can you just accept it and use the opportunity to think differently? Can you take a stumbling block and see what advantages might be hidden within it? What if you let go of the struggle and just let it be OK? What might a recurring issue be trying to tell you? Is there a pattern you’ve not noticed before? Take a few moments to stop and check that the direction you’re headed is actually one you want to go in.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.

For alert emails on new postings, emailsubscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.

Tags: Spinal Tap, Time Out

Truth, Simplicity, Love

Mon, 19 May 2008 20:03:27 GMT

Birthdays can be a bitch. I have to say I was borderline dreading this one, but it was filled with so many fabulous surprises that it took my breath away. A friend unexpectedly sent a fragrant bouquet, another turned gift-wrapping into an art form and recorded a fabulous birthday song, others gave that most perfect of presents – vouchers for spa treatments – and we all enjoyed the extremely generous gift of cocktails and dinner from the owner of my favourite new restaurant, Rock & Rose. Feeling like one very lucky girl, I returned home to find yet another treat lying on the mat. It was a card from another friend filled with the kind of gift that keeps on giving – pure inspiration in the form of pictures and a speech by an old favourite of mine, Babaji.

At some point on the spiritual path you’re bound to run across Autobiography Of A Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda, who brought kriya yoga to the West. In it he writes of his own spiritual journey and those who influenced him, including the Mahavatar Babaji. Babaji is considered to be a human manifestation of the Divine who can materialise a body at will. In his last incarnation from 1970-1984 he is credited with many miracles and healings, as well as having been seen in a number of locations at the same time. Whether or not you believe the stories surrounding him, he has brought forth a very simple and beautiful message – to live by the three principles of truth, simplicity and love, to repeat the mantra ‘Om Nama Shivaya’ or ‘I bow to the Divinity within’ and to give selfless service to humanity.

In 1984, the year when he last appeared on earth, he spoke these words:

“Love and serve all humanity. Assist everyone.

"Be happy, be courteous. Be a dynamo of irrepressible joy.

"Recognise God and goodness in every face.

"There is no saint without a past and no sinner without a future.

"Praise everyone. If you cannot praise someone, let them out of your life.

"Be original, be inventive.

"Be courageous.

"Do not imitate; be strong, be upright. Do not lean on the crutches of others.

"Think with your own head. Be yourself.

"All perfection and every divine virtue are hidden within you. Reveal them to the world.

"Wisdom, too, is already within you. Let it shine forth.

"Let the Lord’s grace set you free.

"Let your life be that of the rose; in silence, it speaks the language of fragrance.”

Of itself, that’s enough of a teaching to last a lifetime. In particular, the words “all perfection and every divine virtue are hidden within you; reveal them to the world” represent the core essence of I Am Fabulous – knowing that you are perfect as you are and that all you need do is let go of anything that stands in the way of that truth.

I love the mystical intrigue that surrounds Babaji. We’re all the better for having a bit of magic in our lives. As Einstein said, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” It’s pretty clear where I stand on that one.

This week, take from Babaji’s words what you need. Something in them will speak to you. Repeat a particular phrase to yourself over and over, like a mantra, to uplift and inspire you. Let his words do their magic.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.

For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.

Tags: Babaji, Om Nama Shivaya, Paramahansa Yogananda, Autobiography Of A Yogi

Dark Beauty

Mon, 12 May 2008 17:59:44 GMT

Enjoying the delicious pleasures of frappuccinos and cupcakes with a friend on a rare sunny London weekend, we got to talking about how some of life’s experiences strike you in ways you’d never have expected. Even the good ones can be tinged with sadness or loss, that – to me – doesn’t take away from their extraordinary beauty, but gives them a depth that you only come to respect when life has turned around and bitten you once or twice.

The ex-monk and psychotherapist, Thomas Moore, devotes an entire chapter of his book, Dark Nights Of The Soul, to what he calls dark beauty. He stresses the beauty to be found in darkness, stating “Beauty is to the soul what truth and fact are to the mnd. The beauty of a thing is its depth and meaning being revealed. To perceive that beauty, you need any eye for both appearances and the invisible radiance of a thing. You also need the capacity to be affected. But many people walk through life defended against all positive influences. They are not open to the invitations and messages coming at them every turn. They wonder why life feels empty and meaningless, when the problem is not the absence of meaning but their blindness and deafness to it.”

As much as we can learn to appreciate the beauty in darkness, we also need to be awake to the darkness that lies within beauty. All transitions in life, however positive, are processes of change, where we let go of one condition in order to allow another in. Any movement or commitment involves loss – by choosing one option, we are letting others go. By moving to the next stage, we are releasing what came before. Transitions imply mixed emotions, so to ignore the dark in favour of the light is to cut off from a part of ourselves that needs acknowledgement.

One of the most vivid illustrations of those kinds of mixed emotions came from a friend a few days after she’d given birth. Although delighted to have a healthy baby to hold, she talked about how she needed to adjust to considering this external creature as ‘her baby’, when for nine months it had been something inside her. It wasn’t a simple transition and it took a little while for her feelings to settle. When they did, I’m sure it was in a large part due to her willingness to be totally honest with herself and acknowledge those uncomfortable feelings in a time that is generally considered to be a wholly positive one. Sometimes you just have to give yourself the space to feel what is there, rather than what you think you should be feeling.

Other times, the beauty within a good relationship seems clouded by conflict, yet the conflict itself is leading you on to a greater depth of authenticity and intimacy. As the authors, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, reveal in Receiving Love, developing intimacy is merely a theoretical goal until you have a chance to practice it in a safe environment.

They say “Your goal must move from the cognitive level of ‘this is what I want to do’ to the level of connected knowing where you can say ‘this is what it feels like to have the experience of doing what I want to do … You won’t know that it’s OK to be your full self instead of an abbreviated, cleaned-up version unless your partner helps you feel good about expressing opinions that may be different from hers, and the two of you end your symbiotic relationship.

“Your rehabilitation takes place through her reinforcement of your new openness. You have to disagree with her about what she’s wearing, or what movie you’re going to see, or whether it’s a good idea for your son to enlist in the military – and live to tell the tale. Then you’ll ‘know’ that it’s safe to be yourself … It’s a breakthrough to realise that the purpose of a committed relationship is not to be happy, but to heal. And then you will be happy.”

I love this quote for the fabulous truth that lies within it – happiness is not the same as surface perfection; it’s about learning to embrace all of our experiences as part of the journey, however acceptable or unacceptable we may believe them to be. With that level of equanimity, we can become truly happy.

This week, if things are tough, look for the beauty. What are you learning from the experience? How has it opened you up emotionally? Can you be content knowing that there’s an underlying meaning that’s not yet revealed itself? If it’s all looking good, but you have mixed feelings, simply acknowledge all your feelings, however appropriate you think they are. That will help you to let go and allow you to move on. Enjoy your week of both beauty and darkness – and learn to love them equally.

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Tags: Dark Night Of The Soul, Receiving Love, Happiness