Just One Girls Head Noise

Dear All

this is Pamela Hilgers Daughter Christina Hilger.

i want to thank all of you for your support and kindness you have shown to Pam and our family

i thank you also for letting her into your prayers and thoughts.

she is dearly missed.

please email me at trbl393.

i love you mommie,

kissy

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Just One Girls Head Noise UK

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Day 157

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1 down .. 29 to go <-click here

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just as soon as i'm convinced that just about all my friends have my newest journal on alert, i'll stop updating this journal until the Journalers vs AOL advertising in journals has been settled

in the meantime, i've moved my journal to journals.aol.co.UK where there is currently NO banner advertising in personal journals

Day 150 <- my current journal entry

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Day 148

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cheating? more radiation oncology

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i've been working my way through journals this morning that posted entries on how they feel about the ads in our journals .. i've read the notices of those journals moving to ad free space .. i've read of journals going private until something changes and i've read of people who's journals are essentially going on-strike until aol stops selling our personal "Your Thoughts. Your Blog" space as advertising.

i am angered that ANYONE at aol decided my thoughts, my life, my words are for sale

i am angered because i feel i've been forced to make a decision .. to take a stand against something i feel is wrong

the part that upsets me the most is that from the VERY beginning of aol Journals, we here at JLand have been treated like puppies attempting to play with "The Big Dogs" .. and they refused to let us play .. we didn't have REAL blogs .. they were only aol Journals .. anyone who was a part of the corporate aol giant couldn't have anything worthy of reading

because of my aol journal, i made the front page of The Washington Post .. proud that my journal had finally received some form of recognition outside of aol .. gathering from my email, guestbook and comments, i have a large number of readers who are not aol members .. they found me via the internet, some google search on lung cancer, or on some of the medical procedures i've undergone .. and now because of some decision some idiot at aol made, they've sold my journal as advertising space and pissed me off in the process

and guess what?  guess who's laughing at us?  guess who's shouting "i told you so" .. yup .. those Big Dogs we felt we deserved to play with are laughing at us

thanks aol .. we've been waging an uphill battle in an attempt to allow aol journals just a bit of recognition from the outside world and now you've made it impossible to be taken seriously .. we're nothing now but silly little walking billboards for aol

what am i going to do? how am i going to respond?  honestly, i haven't decided .. i don't know if i have the energy to fight aol again (yes "again" .. sometime in the past my journal had gone on strike until aol "fixed" something .. i don't even remember what it was .. sheesh)

i am torn .. my faithful "real world" readers .. who probably don't give a flying fig about the politics of feeling wronged by excessive aol advertising .. my faithful aol jland readers .. who are angry, saddened and frustrated .. i do know that some corporate giants refuse to listen unless their pockets are less full .. until it hits their pockets, "it" doesn't exist

i feel like i need to be very careful here about what i write .. the pressure of receiving the "Vivi Journal of the Year Award" .. i hate feeling like i am under a microscope

i am angry .. i am going through the most stressful time of my life .. i am sitting here now, another morning of coughing up blood, facing yet another day of medical tests and undergoing my first radiation/chemo treatments in a matter of days and i don't feel right about sharing any of my heartbreak in my journal where aol can make money off of my struggles

so back to my original quandry .. what, if any, kind of stand do i make in my journal?  i still have not decided .. all that comes to mind is that pamphlet about chemotherapy that reminded me that i would be wise to put off making any important decisions until my treatment is complete

important?!?

my journal, my readers .. are one of, if not THE most important facets of my life

again .. thanks aol .. thanks

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i've got a lot on my plate today, so instead of sharing thoughts, i'm sharing pictures :)

i guess its become a family joke about me taking pictures of my kids sleeping .. so here's another one to add to my collection .. my soon to be 15 year old daughter .. sleeping soundly in our home :)



i snagged this one from my daughters collection of pictures she took of her new lip ring .. ain't she adorable?!?



my sister, Nancy just sent me this picture of my mom and their friend, Lisa .. mom had just given Lisa the 2 chemo caps that Dee had crocheted .. Lisa is loving both of her new caps :)



and it wouldn't be a pictorial entry if i failed to share our accidental garden .. its literally growing like a weed .. what you can't see, and what i can't seem to get a picture of, are the dozens and dozens of sunflower seedlings that have been sprouting up in the garden !! in the past few weeks, there must be a dozen ears of corn growing now too :)



today my daughter is going back to her dad's house .. but she's coming back on Thanksgiving so we can spend the day together .. i'm thinking about kidnapping her .. keeping her a few more .. days? weeks? years? .. i'm just not sick and tired of her yet .. as stupid as it sounds, i kinda wish she and i could get in a fight right before she leaves so i WANT her to go .. i'm probably gonna be the one calling her a few hours after she leaves, crying, missing the hell out of her .. i just wish she could stay home ya know? :)

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