Diary of a podgy poof!

SHOCK, HORROR!

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 16:35:53 GMT

I have been in Stratford Upon Avon today looking at a new store and managed to get home early.

When I got home I noticed that Phil had done some moving about………….. In our old house, there was a highly polished chrome cabinet on wheels in Phil’s bathroom he used to keep his toiletries in. It’s now made its way into my bathroom, in this pokey flat, which is now even tinier!

I took off my work clothes and was busting to go to the loo, so there I sat, with a leg straddled either side of the cabinet staring into the reflection in front of me.

Gasp OMG!…………………….. I’ve just moved it back to where it was!

I hope I haven’t upset your day too much sharing that little gem? LOLOLOL

Love yas, PP xxxx

BORED S****** BUT TRYING TO BE POSITIVE!

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 07:43:56 GMT

Morning all,

This is another rare Internet connected moment. Well, maybe not so true.

I got rid of my 3 dongle as it was crap. That’s the only way to describe it.

I hate that company so much, they get you on board with tales of cheap internet access all coming from this tiny little stick you shove in your lap top all for £10 a month. Well they can shove it up their arse as far as it will go!

I ended up paying over £75 in a few days. I was innocently topping up thinking this is eating credits like a starving kid.

So I ended up emailing 3 as it wouldn’t let me top up any more. Oh, you don’t top up they replied. You ‘bolt on’ huh? WTF!

A top up is charged at the premium rate, DOAH, silly me. A bolt on is charged by the month. Ohhhh, so how come you stopped taking my money? Well came the reply, we put a ceiling on it. So why the F*** don’t you mail me and tell me what I’m doing wrong?

I am now connected through O2 my wonderful mobile phone provider. Why oh why didn’t I get my dongle through them first, they've always been good to me?

Buy cheap, by twice as my Ma always says. She’s right too.

I am in the most bizarre mood today. I HATE, living in this tiny flat. We have no outside space, nowhere to dry washing except in a combi washer dryer. For you Americans that’s a combination front loader with built in tumble dryer, they are shyte. It shrinks everything so I end up hanging clothes up to dry from light fittings on hangers.

There are boxes everywhere as our house is STILL, not ready.

Why this is called an ‘executive’ apartment I don’t know, just because it’s got a stainless steel cooker hood I presume. Big F****** deal!

Sigh…………… Sorry for whinging gang.

Phil’s fast asleep in bed as he got in at 6am. His job is dire at the moment. He’s taking the same money now as he did 20 years ago when he first started. So he’s working all the hours God sends. I feel so sorry for him and there’s nothing I can do except give him tea and sympathy when he comes home.

I think we will be so relieved to get into the house and start our new life.

On a good note, there’s one thing I love about this apartment. From the kitchen/living area, we look onto a field. Every morning I watch the rabbits play with their little tails bobbing in the air. This morning, I watched a cat, he was a right old mouser, preying on a field mouse.

I wonder what rabbit pie tastes like?

See yas all soon. PP xxxxxx

PS, I have just re read this entry. What a miserable old Git I am. I must be positive, I must be positive……… Byeeeeeee

INTERMITENT SERVICE!

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 20:27:15 GMT

Hello Petals and Geezers,

As you may have guessed, internet access is very intermitent at the mo. So much for my dongle, it eats credits like a starving dog! Fkn thing, I spent 64 quid on it last month alone, I mean WTF? All that crap about it being £10 a month, yeah, it is if you only stare into cyber space. Just opening up the AOHell home page must eat up a zillion pound!

Any way's, I am in Leeds again for my sins. There was not internet service in the hotel last night as it was down. I have to say, I have had severe withdrawal symptoms, BIG TIME. I lost it over the weekend as I couldn't get on line again. I swear I was getting cold turkey, what with only 5 channels on TV too.......... Sigh, I was so bored, I nearly went shopping in Tesco at 11pm, I musta bin bored.

Tonight, I treated myself to a curry in Cafe Guru. This place is style personified and the foods even better. I made the mistake of having a Madras.......... My testicals are still dragging on the floor with shock!

We have now been told that we will be in our new house the last week in July. I hope so , I can't cope with no open space to sit out in. I feel we need a trip to Spain........ Yeah! We are going tomorrow night, arrive at 11pm and come back on Monday. YIPPEEEEEEE. Then up to Leeds again.

I need updates please on everyones blogs. Marty, you especially. I need my fix on 7th and Montanna!

Love you all............. PP xxxxxx

OUR JOURNEY CONTINUES.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:48:33 GMT

Helloooo Groovers!

Well, I am back and I'm staying. You may have seen me lurking on line, but trust me, we've been living out of boxes since we came back from my birthday celebrations.

I won't bore the tits off you with the long journey we've had, but we eventualy sold the house at the full asking price, even during the current crisis and the guy bought lots of the furniture too, (all the old shit we didn't want lololol)

We are now in a tiny two bed apt till our house is ready so yeah, life is a bit squashed but hey, ya gotta deal with it as our dream is soon to come true! At the moment though, no 200 Sky channels on TV, just 9 (how do people manage?) No phone, mobiles only(cells) F*** know's what the bills are gonna be and no broadband! The lovely Cin recommended I get myself a little mobile dongle (a thing you put in your laptop which enables you to go mobile through 3G) marvelous, I love it!

It was on special, only 49 quid for the dongle and a tenner a month PAYG........... Bliss, I still have my internet ;-)

Guy's I can't tell you how I have missed you all. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. Talk about withdrawal symptoms, I got em big time.

This weekend, the alerts go back on and I'll be furiously reading and hopefully looking back too. I hope my dongle can cope with it (OH MATRON!)

On a completly different note, I seemed to have caused a stir about Pat with the big bazookers in my last blog. Boys, trust me, they were HUGE!

This week (tonight included) I have been staying in Leeds, so have been going to all my fav places to eat in the evening. On my little evening walk abouts by the river, I've discovered the the waterside Inn. The food's ok, but the waiter OMG, his arse is like two boiled eggs in a hankerchief, tight as a drum. I remember mine being like that once, but nowadays its more like horses empty saddle bags!.... Sigh.

You'll all be thinking, I see married life's down the swannie then? But nope. I really can't believe howa little ceremony can change a relationship for the better. Don't get me wrong, we really did get on well, but now, WOW, I love it. We are like joined at the hip.

One last thing, Marc, sorry if there's any spelling mistakes!

Love ya, PP aka, Gaz xxxx

OK, OK, I AM AWAY, SO I'LL BLOG!

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 19:40:21 GMT

Ok, so I said you wouldn't hear from me for a while, but ya just can't imagine how boring it get's in a hotel room while your away.

Get this right? Last week, I was in the Hilton hotel, sorry, but what a rip off. £7.50 for a glass of wine? I mean WTF! That's $15 people, and we're talking Pinot Grigio here, not Moet!

Internet access £15 for 24 hours, not a month, 24 HOURS! You even had to pay £3 a night parking. I was at the end of the freaking M4 in Newport Wales, not bloody Knightsbridge!

This week? A shit hole outside Manchester called Prestwich, with people walking around getting pulled along by pitbulls the size of elephants and where have they put me? In the Premier lodge.

For those of you dear readers who have never graced the lobby of this fine establisment, it's known as the premier dodge, you have to pay up front, in case anyone does a runner.

If you want to spend the night with builders or lorry drivers, this is a dream come true (I love it lolol). The only place to eat is a TGI Friday's. What a dump! I've had to eat here two nights running as I daren't venture further than the car park.

Tonight, I was served by a bird with the biggest tits I have ever seen. Her badge proudly displayed the name, Pat. Trust me, if I was a straight man, I would have been tempted. These things would have made Jordan look like she had two fried eggs on an ironing board!

I realy tried to concentrate on the menu, but I just could'nt take my eyes off those jugs. I was even starting to think I was going straight. Lordy, can you imagine the news papers?

Gay man hipnotised by giant tits, now he can't get enough of em!

Trust me......... That ain't gonna happen ;-) I had to laugh though, for my American readers, the food portions for our main courses look like your appetizers.

Everytime I go to the States, I have just a main, or two starters (apetizers) asI can't manage your portions, but you guys over here? Forget it, you would starve to death. I think we'll all agree something though, TGI's does not represent real food, either American or English.

Oh well, back to dreaming about Pats tits. Lets just hope she's not serving breakfast tomorrow, or I may just be tempted to ask for a squeeze to see if they're real!

Love yas........ PP xxxxx

SIGNING OFF FOR A WHILE

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 18:05:41 GMT

I have to say goodbye for a while, I’ve tried to keep up with blogs since I have been back but it’s been total chaos since our return.

We’re moving house as you know. It looks like we need vacate our house by Monday and I have a feeling our buyer will pull a fast one, so have not slept a wink since my return from Spain. You know what solicitors are like, so watch this space ok cos it may drag on.

To say I am shitting myself is an understatement and am not licking the old testicals so much at the mo!

I still love married life and still feel 35 ish lolol, but am up to my £$%^&*” eyeballs in boxes as I have been packing every night since we have been home.

I go away tomorrow and come back Sunday, then off again Tuesday through Saturday. Thank God it’s a holiday weekend next weekend. Then I am in Belfast for a week, so you can see, no time for blogs.

We will be living in a rented apartment for the next 8/10 weeks and am not sure if it’s broadband enabled. The house should be ready at the end of July…ish. I have to say AOL have been brilliant, they are suspending the payment on our account (remember Americans, it’s a different system here) then they will re en state it at either the flat we are renting or the new house.

As for Sky……….. Well, they can go $£”& themselves. They want £16 a month to keep the account open or we pay double when we move. WELL STICK YOUR SATTELITE DISH UP YER ARSE!!!!

I TOLD Phil, he’d have to open an account with them and pay for it not me. He’ll get all new, for nothing. What a cheek huh?

I will miss you all. I just want to say a few words. For those blogs I have not read, it doesn’t mean I am not thinking about you ok?

Millie, I hope your daughter is doing ok.

MJ, I read your note to me but have not replied, I am sorry, I really hope you’re ok, ok? xxxxx

Cin, Cathy and all of the other people that sent me e cards for my B/day ta ever so…grins

Erin and Mary thanks for your cards in the post. Mary, I hope your Dad is doing ok too. xxxxx

Monica, I got your photo's, ta doll!

Lyn, ya got me number ok? Ring me when you’re in Blighty ok?

Marty, Dawn, D, Indigo, Teresa, Holly, Keep writing, I will have to catch up on my return.

Alison, Phil, Jimmy and Ben keep well.

Russ, what can I say? Give a big kiss to lump for me.

Stewie, let Leigh organize the wedding, you can’t get married in a brewery he won't allow it. Tell him Cubby ok?

Tracy, Julie, Susy, Marie I love ya girls.

CHRISTOPHER, GO TO NY, DO IT, JUST GO MATE! You'll regret it all your life

My brains so fried I can't remeber everyones names but only their blog names. I love you too!!!!

The list goes on and on………. Why have I got a tear in my eye? Cos I’ll miss ya all.

Pics on my return, loads of em ok?

Love ya……… PP xxxxxx

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 21:39:56 GMT

Well, Hellooooooooo,

I need a holiday as I feel like I’ve been on club 18-30 for 10 days. Talk about party every night……….. We both came back shattered.

From day one when we were over in Spain, we had a full house and had rented another too.

Every night, for 10 days we were out and partying…. We are both knackered on fine wine, fine food and lots of farting!

On the Saturday we had 30 people over for a BBQ and the best thing was that I didn’t have to do anything except make some shish kebabs in the morning…. Total joy.

As usual, still no photo’s I’ll sort some out for ya…. Promise.

Anyway, bring good tidings, but am worried if I mention it, I’ll will cock it up.

WE SOLD OUR HOUSE WHILE WE WERE ON HOLIDAY!!!!!

Yup, I am so pleased, the guy that was interested in it before, is back on the scene.

Sod’s law, now I’ve mentioned it, it’ll go tits up.

The only thing is, we have to move into a rented apartment for 8/10 weeks till our house is ready and have to put EVERYTHING, in storage. I have spent all day packing today as I’m away from Thursday, till Monday, then away for another week and then to Belfast after that.

When exactly, I’ll move is anyone’s guess!

Oh well, it’s all worth it as we can reach our dream even sooner.

I want to thanks everyone who sent me an e card for my birthday and everyone who sent me a card at home too. You know who ya are.

I’m still licking those testicles too, I LOVE MARRIED LIFE!

Love yas……….. PP xxxxxx

STILL NO PHOTO'S

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 19:22:35 GMT

Well, still no photo’s, but to be fair, our mate who took them went straight back to landscaping his garden, so hasn’t had time to down load and edit them.

So we're packed, and I am sitting here with a nice cold glass of chardonnay. I was up at 4.30 am for work today and Monday. I’m a little fazed, I feel like I’ve got jet lag.

We are off flying at 6 am, off to very sunny Spain and we have rented a house up the road to accommodate shifts of our friends to come and celebrate my birthday over a 3 day period…………Love it! I’ve been told, 50 is the new 30, so I’ll let ya know ok?

People, by the time we get back, there will be wedding photo’s and of the birthday bash too.

I’ve had e mails galore asking ‘how’s married life?’ Well let me tell ya……….. I’m still licking those testicles!!!

Now after giving you that thought, I just wanna say, I will try and read a few blogs tonight ok?

Love ya……….. PP xxxxxxx

BLISS

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 20:52:02 GMT

Hello Groovers, I’m alone tonight for my first night in over a week. Phil has now returned to work.

I have no pictures yet, no comments, but I have just mixed the best sounds I have ever done in my life. I’ve done them for my 50th birthday for April 10th and I am now going to transfer House party disco mix and people, let me tell ya ‘IT’S STOMPIN’, onto my new black 160g ipod.

I have a huge shit eating grin on my face, I feel like a dog who’s just licked his testicles after a shag with the local poodle.

I LOVE MARRIED LIFE………………. PP xxxxx

A LITTLE SORRY FOR MYSELF

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:50:29 GMT

Hello Peeps,

Today I had a mole removed. I went to the see the specialist last week and this morning I was in surgery for 45 minutes.

I was greeted by a a jolly Nigerian nurse called Hyacinth. Yup I kid you not! She had the biggest smile I have ever seen and her laugh was so infectious.

I filled in the forms and when it came to next of kin I put Phils name. As she was filling her part in, I noticed she put Phil in, as Phillis. I nearly pissed myself. She then turned to me and said.

' You know Gari, if theh wus effa a nem I wanted to be culled it was Phillis. Luveley name, I bet shis pritty too huh?'

Well that was me off. I didn't have the heart to ruin her dream and tell her 'she' was a 16 stone geezer with a number two crop. I thinked she would have had appaplexy! Oh and by the way Hyacinth, she's becoming my husband on Thursday LOLOLOL.

Anyway. After that, I was in surgery for 45 minutes and I now have a one inch scar on my shoulder blade, NICEEEE! The anaesthetic is just wearing out now. ARGHHHHHH.

As I was laying on the table in surgery and couldn't work out why I was stripped to my undies and socks in a theatre gown, when all I was having was a dodgy mole removed from my shoulder. The surgeon appeared, and looked like he was flying to the frigging moon with this mask on and his face and his head shrouded in a some blue thing. He looked like a dodgy drag queen wearing a burka! He snapped those rubber gloves and my heart skipped a beat as I thought oh no, not an internal in front of these nurses! ;-)

I've been told not to lift a thing. Not even the iron, so those wedding shirts are gonna look like we've been dragged through a hedge backwards! I've also got to avoid driving. So I don't know what to do about my 250 mile round trip to Leeds tomorrow to meet my new boss.

Oh well, such is life! Phil has been wonderful, I had brunch made for me and he then did me some chicken soup. I didn't have the heart to tell him I was still full, so now I feel sick too. He's now force fed me a custard tart. What evers coming next?(no such luck)

Oh well, off to Costco to buy some champagne for Thursday before I start screaming the house down in agony.

Love yas

PP xxxxxxxx