cindi-loo's hoo's

14:39:06 o'clock GMT

my measure has been taken and i have been found wanting.

 

i hope i never become one of those people who are unable to forgive that others think/feel/behave differently.

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16:33:36 o'clock GMT

i haven't written anything in here for a long time.  i still visit and read all my fav blogs, but i haven't been inspired to write anything myself.

christmas isn't my favorite time of the year.  it just seems at this time of year the poor feel poorer, the lonely feel lonelier and the depressed feel suicidal.  i have prob felt each of these ways one season or another.  people get all worked up and excited because they think they will be gifted with the things they most wanted and then it doesn't happen and they feel let down.  my solution to this dilema is that i work for and buy the things i want myself.....then when i get the pair of pj's i didn't really need i think, these are cute and who can't use another pair!   i know, it makes me a hard person to buy for.

the b/f on the other hand, is a real christmas person.  he puts his tree up at the beginning of dec and  he loves to see lots of presents under the tree for everyone.  most are inexpensive...a pair of socks, a candle, boxes of chocolates, etc....he's been known to wrap up a box of supersoft kleenex!  he just loves the excitement of people tearing off paper and opening something. 

some bloggers have written about their most favorite christmas memory or gift.  my favorite christmas memories  were christmasses i got to spend with my sister and her family.  there was always good food and goodwill aplenty.  everyone was welcome to come over and many did.  my sister and her family moved quite a bit because her husband was in the forces but no matter where they were living it always felt like going home.  i'll bet there are a few people with the same fond memories of my sisters hospitalily!

my favorite gift....when i was a little girl, maybe 8-10 yrs old i got a little china tea set.  it had the teapot, creamer, sugar bowl and 4 cups and saucers.  i loved it because it was like having REAL dishes.

well, christmas is over again and the year is winding down.  for most of us the new year holds promise of many things.  change, resolutions, new hopes, perhaps new dreams.  life is not static and by this time next year many of us will be looking back on the past year amazed at the events and how fast things can change.   may 2007 be a great year for you all!

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19:02:07 o'clock GMT
Feeling Sad

The realization:

i came to a realization about myself today.  i am one of those people who cannot find happiness in themselves and so i hang onto the fringe of everyone elses.  i will do whatever i can to promote the happiness of others.....when they are happy, i am happy.  i'm a parisite feeding off  the contentment of others. 

unfortunately, i don't have the power to make anyone happy.  i don't even have the power to make myself happy.  i attatch myself to people who also don't know how to make themselves happy and are wanting someone to do that for them.  it's not something someone can do for you....you have to be able to make yourself happy.  which is why living vicariously thru someone else joy isn't working for me.....and it's not working for them either. 

The Conclusion:

i have come to the conclusion that i should give up trying to force people to be happy.  they need to go out and find it themselves (or find someone who CAN make it happen for them. )   i refuse to be that person anymore......i can't handle that responsibility and i have my own crosses to bear.

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15:25:04 o'clock GMT

i was brought up to believe that colouring outside the lines was not socially acceptable and for the most part i have tried to keep within those boundaries.  i've tried to live my life pleasing everyone in it and doing whatever was expected of me.  i've had many roles - lover, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, etc.   i've always tried not to rock the boat and make waves, and tried to make the best of a bad situation. 

i guess when i left i broke some golden rule.  instead of making him leave, i moved out leaving the three children still at home with him to take care of.  (12, 14, and 19)  i admit, i wanted him to appreciate how hard it was to work full time and still fulfill everyones expectations.   two out of the three are now living with me and the third one would except that he doesn't want to move away from his friends and doesn't want to live with the other two.  the forth child is 27 and lives on her own with my grandson.  she and i used to be the best of friends but that relationship has deteriorated since i left.  he has taken the spot i once occupied.

he's not even her blood-father and there was a time in the not so distant past where neither one had any use for the other and i was the object they bounced their dislike for each other off of.  i understand what's in it for her.....she's never had a good relationship with her biological father (or any man since), and the ex employs her part time, pays for her leased car and insurance, watches the grandson for her, takes her and her friends out dining and drinking, etc.  i can't compete with that. 

but what's in it for him i wonder.   reading between the lines of the emails he sends me i would have to say that besides the fact she is a wonderful person and daughter he gets satisfaction out of coming between us.  at first he did whatever he could to monopolize her time.....he'd have some work for her to do and it would turn into coming over for dinner first, which turned into just about every night.  then they started hanging out socially.  there seems to be no end to what they would do for each other.

am i jealous?  you bet.  do i feel excluded?  definately.  i once could talk to her about anything on my mind but now i can't.  it's not that i think she would run back to him with it, but i know he confides in her about everything  and i don't want to put her in the position of being in the middle.  and so we drift....

i also decided to colour outside the lines when i started a relationship with a man 12 years younger.  this particular daughter doesn't like him and has told me that if i ever live with him she will not come to visit me at our home.  my other kids don't seem to have a problem with him, or if they do they are keeping it to themselves.  what do i see in him she asks....what does he see in me i ask.  tho it's not without it's problems, it's a relationship that's working.   we both seem to be getting what we need out of it. 

sometimes life's lines get a little blurry and we colour outside them and when we do we can only hope the people we love will forgive us for not being perfect.

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10:38:07 o'clock BST

in one of my sisters blogs she mentioned that i was a little angry and sad as a teen.  i came back with "i'm still a little angry and sad!".  it's true.  i've tried meds, i've tried the power of positive thinking and i've tried god. these approaches have never helped in the long run.   i've come to accept that this is just the way my brain is hard-wired.  i know that suicide is a perminant solution to a temporary problem and the sun WILL come up tomorrow.  i've spent half of my life wishing for death and the other half fearing it.  how sick is that!   lol.  according to my dr i have the coping skills of a 4 year old and i  know i worry about things that will never happen.  i think this is only a problem if i let it be one.  i've spent a few years in apathy and i'd far rather feel something than nothing at all.  besides, i feel so much better after a good cry.

i got up this morning to my alarm , made coffee and sat down at this thing only to realize that i was up an hour before my usual time.  somehow i managed to advance my clock an hour ahead when i set the alarm last night.  i did contemplate going back to bed for an other hour but i thought, a coffee is a terrible thing to waste.  going to be a long day.

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06:11:07 o'clock BST
Feeling Silly

my life is an open sandwich.....

what i mean to say is, the filling has been exposed and there's nothing that will cover it.

what kind of sandwich are you?

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14:54:13 o'clock BST
Feeling Quiet
the angle of repose or "tipping point" is the slope at which the shit you've piled in your life comes crashing down on you.

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12:42:43 o'clock BST

my mother is of the old school where things are still done manually.  she was a military wife for a good part of her life and is very regimented.  she hates to have her "schedule" upset....if something prevents her from thoroughly vacuming on thursday you know about it!   bi-weekly she sits down with pen and paper and writes letters to us kids.  i have been recieving these letters for over almost 30 years now since i moved away.  wow, that would be about 780 letters give or take a few if you count cards. 

for the last 5 years or so i have been saving her letters.  i have several shoeboxes full of them.  awhile ago i mentioned to my brother that i was saving them and he asked what for, they all say the same thing.....it was raining, ginger (her cat and life companion) was so cute, she went to the dance at the legion and danced twice,  so and so interupted her vacuming on thursday, etc.    he has a point yet i look forward to recieving them.  when i find one in my mailbox i can't wait to read it. 

my brother asked me why i am saving them and i told him it was so that when she passes away i can take out one every two weeks and it will be like she still lived.  i don't take these letters for granted because i know one day they will stop coming and i sure will miss her. 

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12:13:00 o'clock BST

i wrote that in my list of things about me.

i've been on this thing for almost a month now and have been checking out lots of other blogs.  after reading so many fine and captivating blogs i've come to the realization that i probably don't have the talent to become a writer!  in a pool of writers  i'm like the guy who can't sing but tries out for american idol anyways. 

i don't know what my problem is.  i aced communications 101.  when i sit down and try to compose something i draw blanks.  heck,  i've never ever (is that a double negative?) been able to finish a letter! 

i think sometimes i think too much.  maybe i'm just too critical of my writing.  (can you call it writing when no pen is involved?)  you would think with computers and spell-check and editing it would be easier.  perhaps  i should  take a creative writing course. 

i laughed real hard after i read that last statement.  if most times i can't find the time to sit and write how would i find time to go to a class?

i'm home taking a sick day today.  my elbows are getting sore and i'm afraid they will get worse.  i don't want to have to go back on comp because they will make me take modified work.  i don't want to be taken off my job and do (what i consider) menial tasks.  i have 10 years experience and knowledge in the field that would be wasted.  it would feel like all the hard work was wasted.  just another piece of my life wasted.

i slapped myself afer i read that last statement.  life is what you make it and i can choose to see those wasted years as learning experiences that have actually benifitted me.  i try not to look back too much at things, making them new again.  they did their job, lessons were learned, i got over it.  it isn't the past which holds me back, it's the future .....because of the unknown?  because of fear?  because i have no control over it?

great.....now i have more issues to deal with!

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04:11:00 o'clock BST
Feeling Happy

51.  i have a sweet tooth.

52.  i've never been arrested.

53.  my alcoholic beverage of choice is beer.

54.  i like to play scrabble.

55.  some of my teeth have been replaced.

56.  i have tatoos.

57.  i watch reality shows.

58.  i snore.

59. i date outside my age group.

60.  i date outside my food group.

61. i've been baptized.

62.  i like to walk.

63.  i'm far-sighted.

64.  i can knit.

66.  i think i may be a.d.d.

67.  i only drink bottled water.

68.  i recycle.

69.  i think bush is an idiot.

70.  i like mustard on my sloppy joes.

71.  i was born overseas.

72.  i am an underachiever.

73.  i have over 100 pairs of underwear.

74.  i hate cruelty to animals.

75.  i skip breakfast.

76.  i don't like to have my picture taken.

77.  i don't vote.

78.  my pet peeve is phone solicitors calling at dinnertime.

79.  i love flowers.

80.  i look like my mother.

81.  i hate confrontation.

82.  i laugh when i'm nervous.

83. i sleep with the tv on.

84.  i saw queen elizabeth once.

85.  i've never broken any bones.

86.  i can only speak english.

87.  i don't like to be told what to do.

88.  i have a hard time saying no.

89.  i'm concerned about global warming.

90.  i don't own a gun.

91.  i chew gum.

92.  i have a poor short-term memory.

93.  i practice ramdom acts of kindness.

94.  i like to be alone.

92.  i have a poor short-term memory. (j/k)

95.  my first name is really mary.

96.  i wear size 8 shoes.

97.  i believe what goes around comes agound.

98.  i don't play video games.

99.  i have a grandson.

100.  i like to be pampered.

i have to admit i was grasping at the end of this!

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