Subject: Veterans Day
Time: 19:23:42 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Mischievous
Music: The Smiths
The date varies from country to country, but in the UK today, it's Veterans Day. I take my hat off to these courageous men and women. Anyone brave enough to stick their hand up a cow's backside deserves all the plaudits that they get!
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acoward15
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Subject: Unexpected news!
Time: 09:11:15 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Determined
Music: The Members
Yesterday I had to go to see the doctor to get some test results. I must say, that I was a little bit disappointed when he told me I had prostate cancer. It did come as a bit of a blow. So I went round to see a mate to get a bit of support, only to find he had had some devastating news of his own. The poor guy has just been told he's got to wear glasses! It wouldn't be so bad, but he's a proper bloke. He's never read a book in his life! Sometimes life's just not fair.
Anyway, after hearing that, my own news didn't seem so bad. I nice little drug induced sleep, a bit of slice and dice, then stitched up like an association football and a summer sitting on a rubber ring. And with all those nice little charities out there, I might just score a free holiday to Disneyworld!
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acoward15
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Subject: The Sloth..........Lessons to be learnt!
Time: 11:27:38 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Sad
Music: The Alarm
I've taken a few swings at marine mammals in previous entries. So I thought I would move my attention to a land mammal, although it spends little time on the ground.
Costa Rica is home to two of the five species of sloth, the two-toed sloth (Chollepus hoffmanni) and the three-toed sloth (Bradypus variegatus). The sloth is supposed to be the slowest moving mammal on earth. It takes them a month to move one kilometer. I dispute this. I would give that title to road maintenance workers. There are some by me that move at half that pace!
Anyway, back to the sloth. The sloth spends much of it's life hanging upside-down in a tree. They eat, sleep, mate and give birth upside-down in trees. However, one thing a sloth doesn't do whilst hanging upside-down, is take a dump. For this, it climbs down the tree, curls one down, then proceeds to climb back up the tree.
Now there is a certain logic to this. Firstly, its hardly hygenic to lay a log in close proximity to where you eat, sleep and raise your young. Secondly, the sloth in able to provide nutrients to assist the growth and development of the tree in which it lives. However, there is one major drawback. It is whilst performing this essential function that the sloth makes itself vulnerable to one of its main predators, the jaguar. I'm sure it's a major inconvenience for the sloth, that has just got itself into a comfortable position, opened up its copy of Rain Forest Weekly, and started to take the strain, only to find it is lept upon and devoured by a jaguar. Although I have no idea what would be going through the jaguars mind that would inspire it to consume an animal that was in the actual process of defecating.
This is clearly a slap in the face of evolution theorists. Surely by now the sloth should have evolved to the point where it has gained sufficient understanding of its predicament to know to hang its backside over the edge of a branch to curl one down, whilst performing an inflammatory gesture towards a jaguar hidden in the bushes below.
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acoward15
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Subject: Lap Dancing
Time: 15:58:32 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Confused
Music: The Platters
Lap dancing always seems to get a bad press. To be quite honest, I don't know what all the fuss is about. I love the traditional costumes of those rosy cheeked performers. Who are we to deny their heritage? Although I do draw the line at any form of reindeer abuse!
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acoward15
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Subject: The Last Fighting Tommy
Time: 10:23:07 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Disappointed
Music: Generation X
I've always enjoyed a good book. Especially if it broadens my horizons. Consequently, I'm a big fan of history books and autobiographies. The Last Fighting Tommy by Harry Patch falls into both catagories. 110 year old Harry Patch is the last British soldier alive to have fought in the trenches of the First World War. A ripping good read you would think, with much to teach us of a bygone time. Alas, it failed to deliver. 110 is quite an age, and confusion sometimes gains the upper hand as the following excerpt demonstrates.
'It was my first time in the trenches and it just about coincided with my nineteenth birthday. Understandably I was nervous, but I didn't want to reveal any of my feelings to the others in my team. Has anybody seen our Chloe? Its a long way to Tipperary. Woof woof, look at the ankles on that one! That's just not cricket old chap. Who's eaten my moustache wax? Not without gentlemen's relish. Why am I still writing this when by bag needs emptying?'
I take my hat off to this great national treasure and hero, but I just wish he had commenced his literary epic thirty years earlier!
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acoward15
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Subject: A rose by any other name.......
Time: 22:11:57 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Enlightened
Music: Sham 69
I saw on the BBC news today that Prince William is doing a stint with the Royal Navy. Apparently, he will be known as Sub-Lieutenant Wales. Now I accept that his dad is the Prince of Wales, but surely that is just a title and Prince William should be known as Sub-Lieutenant Windsor.
This got me thinking about royal names and titles. Whatever happened to those really cool royal names of yesteryear, like Ethelred the Unready, Edward the Confessor, Alfred the Great and William the Conqueror? Although on second thoughts, I'm not looking forward to being ruled by Charles the Twat!
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acoward15
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Subject: Monkey Business (yes I know chimps are apes!)
Time: 17:31:33 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Chillin'
Music: The Isley Brothers
Apparently, the European Court of Human Rights has agreed to hear a plea from a chimp that is hoping to be legally declared a person. I'm not sure how the chimp is supposed to go about making the plea, or how it's wishes to be declared human are known, but you can be sure vast amounts of tax payers money will be wasted on this endeavour.
Personally, I don't know what all the fuss is about. They give human rights to scousers and chavs, so why not chimps?
Since posting this entry, I have received a rather interesting email informing me that a fully grown chimp is strong enough to pull the arms off a human. If this is true, I've got plenty of ideas as to where they should start!
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acoward15
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Subject: The Family Holiday (Amendment)
Time: 18:18:15 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Mischievous
Music: Roxy Music
On the previous Family Holiday entry, I advised traveling with a German. Though I still stand by this advice for the obvious benefits that this entails, it is worth noting that there can be a few drawbacks in certain countries, where Germans might still not be quite as welcome as one would hope. Therefore, when preparing to embark on a family holiday, it is important to involve yourself in the planning process, especially when selecting the destination. Again, there are benefits of vacationing with a German. If the debate concerning the destination appears to be swinging away from your prefered choice, you can always chuck a little history lesson into the ring!
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acoward15
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Subject: The Beach Bum Diet
Time: 18:38:47 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Anxious
Music: Sisters of Mercy
One of the more trashy Sunday newspapers advertised the Beach Bum Diet on its front page today in an attempt to boost sales. I didn't get the opportunity to examine the contents of this newspaper to see what this diet consisted of, but it certainly set my mind wondering. Are they making their sales pitch at a new niche in the market? How strong is the down-and-out pound?
Although, when I consider this concept in greater depth, I begin to come round to their way of thinking. Eating only what is found on the ground and in waste bins would certainly reduce the number of calories consumed. Add to this a neat little collection of internal parasites and the potential for gaining wasting diseases due to the lack of hygeine and they really could be on to something.
The consuption of some of the slightly more dubious forms of alcohol on the market may also reap their rewards when it comes to reducing that waste line. Remember, alcohol goes hand in hand with accidents and stomach pumps.
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acoward15
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Subject: The Family Holiday
Time: 11:34:16 o'clock BST
Author: acoward15
Mood: Chillin'
Music: The Damned
I've just returned from a family holiday to Tenerife. Nothing very unusual about that you might think. However, I opted to put my own little twist on the occasion. You may have heard it said that you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. This is not true. I chose the family that I went on holiday with.
When selecting a family to holiday with, it is a good idea to ensure that at least one family member is German. This eliminates the need to queue for attractions, meals etc. It also ensures that you have a sunlounger by the pool reserved at the crack of dawn whilst you are still sleeping off the previous nights hangover.
So what has Tenerife got to offer apart from sunshine? Well firstly, there is Mount Teide. A great big volcano in the middle of the island. This proved to be a great disappointment. Not only does it cost a small fortune to ascend the volcano in the cable car, but once you reach the summit, there is no facility for sacrificing small children to the volcano god! Talk about a wasted opportunity for a real money spinner!
Another major attraction is Aqualand. A pretty good water park with the added attraction of a twice daily dolphin show. The dolphin show, though entertaining, served only to support my theory that dolphins are really dim despite popular belief. When children were put in their pool to be pushed, pulled and jumped over, not once did a dolphin object to the excessive effort required to push, pull or jump over a fat kid. Nor did they display any revulsion at having ginger kids in their pool. Also, throughout the show, the dolphins were constantly being fed fish. If they were that smart, surely dolphins would know that it is foolhardy to swim on a full stomach.
The best and by far the most exciting attraction in Tenerife has evolved from economic migration. Immigrants from the west coast of Africa walk up and down the sea front harrassing holidaymakers in an attempt to sell them plastic bling. You might think that this would be more of an annoyance than a form of entertainment, but you would be wrong. The activities of these individuals is illegal. Consequently, they are fair game for all manner of physical and verbal abuse without any comeback. Fun for all the family!
My final thought on Tenerife is more of an observation. Despite being part of Spain, eveyone in Tenerife appears to be able to speak English. Which is more than can be said for the population on England!
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acoward15
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